Any Advice??

Trey76

I came across this website and thought it was great!!! I am engaged to a DF JW,( he was baptized). He has been DF for almost 10 years. We are getting married in less than a year and I would like to get married in church. He on the other hand doesnt care either way, but would like his mother and father there. Which might not happen if we get married in a church. I have been dealing with her crap for over 6 years now and don't really care what she thinks...at all! Any advice???

kls

Welcome and congratulations on the up and coming wedding,,,,.Well you soon to be in-laws will always be a thorn in your side because of the Jw beliefs . I do hope you are sure he will not in time change his mind and return to the WT because it does happen. Some here are in the same situation as you soon will be so stick around for their advise.

Euphemism

Welcome to the board! I'm not sure how much we can help, but here's my two cents for what they're worth...

Technically, according to the JW rules, if your fiancee is DFed, then his parents aren't supposed to be talking to him at all except in case of family emergencies. They're definitely not supposed to be attending his wedding. So maybe, if you realize that they're already "stretching" just to be there at all, you may not want to make things more difficult for them by having it in a church.

On the other hand, it's your wedding, not theirs, and you can't be expected to bend and break for every silly JW rule. So IMHO, it's really not clear-cut either way.

Whatever you decide, mazel tov and I hope the day goes great!

Terry

Living together in marriage requires agreement.

Life before marriage is a testing ground for agreement.

If you can't agree before you are married; nothing changes afterward.

Who is marrying who?

Is somebody marrying their parents?

You sort out your values and you automatically sort out your priorities.

Who wants to please who?

What is the hierarchy?

It is not unlike a card game. The high cards win.

Who holds the high cards? The marriage mate or the parents?

Trey76

He actually has no contact with his parents unless they need something from him like a place to stay (they live out of town)

Thanks for the input!

Teela

Start as you mean to go on. If you what a church wedding, have one. Invite them to come, their choice if they don't. Don't live your life around them. Be nice, keep in contact but do what you and your huband want.

Dawn

Welcome.

I faced the same dilema when I got married. I'm DF'd - my husband never was a JW. He wanted a church wedding because he felt it was more traditional (even though he's pretty much athiest belief). I also wanted a church wedding, but really wanted my dad to walk me down the isle.

Eventually we (hubby and I) decided that in the long run it would mean more to me to have my dad there and walk me down the isle than where we got married. So we found a nice place to have the wedding and reception. All my family came (JW & non-JW) except for one brother who could not afford to travel - so it turned out to be a really nice day for us.

That was how we solved it. My advice is for you and your fiance to sit down and talk about the pros/cons and decide which would mean more to you in 10 years - the church wedding or his parents being there. The answer is different for each couple - I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" answer - it's what the two of you feel would mean the most in your future life.

Snapdragon

Hi Trey, and welcome.

Wow, talk about good advice. I was gonna add my two cents...but who needs any more?

Here's words of wisdom from the people who have been there. Good show, all. Trey, you're likely to find more of this stuff around here, so I hope you stick around. It'll at least give you ammo for the (hopefully) few and far problems you might encounter marrying into a family with Jehovah's Witness ties.

All the best on your wedding plans. I am in the wedding business if you ever need any small advice. I'd be happy to help.

~Snapdragon

BrendaCloutier

Welcome, Tray. Congrads on the coming nuptuals.

My last marriage (3rd and divorced) the ceremony was performed by a Episcapaleian (sp) priest who my husband knew well. Great guy. Married 30+ years and sober 12 years (AA'er here). Good credentials for the pre-marriage counseling and ceremony.

We got married in our backyard which looked like a park with Rhodies and Maples. Set up a temporary white rented Gazebo, had a red runner aisle, and 50 rented white folding chairs. It was perfekt!

I invited my parents up (180 miles) and told them, in the invitation, that I was reserving and paying for a room for them, and would pay for airfare and rental car if they didn't want to drive.

A week before the wedding I finally called them, got my mom, and asked what they were going to do because I had arrangements to make for them.

"..Oh, well, I just haven't gotten around to calling you. We're not going to make it. Your father doesn't feel like driving."

I re-explained the offer and that I wanted to honour them as my parents at my wedding. "Oh, no. We won't be coming up."

How rude! I havent spoken to them since. They're now in their late 80's and I suppose I should drop in on them. Eh, whatever.

Remember, you can choose your spouse, but you cannot choose your inlaws, or family.

(You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your friend's nose!)

Good luck...

Brenda

marcosgarcia

Okay you have the wedding that is one day out of your life... then what? Are you going to have children? If so, have you talked aobut how you will raise your children? Very important.. he may want them to be raised JW...people change after they have children and sometimes they revert back to the values and principles they learned early in life and they want their children to have what they had. If you are going to have children you need to decide what faith if any, you are going to teach them. If no kids are in your future, it sounds like you know waht you are up against with the JW relatives. Good luck

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