Mother Messes up Depth Perception

by jgnat 9 Replies latest jw friends

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  jgnat

  My mother messed up my depth perception. It is not her fault, she has a made-up picture of what a model suburban family should be. Her own mother left her by suicide, leaving her to be raised by a cranky and inept stepmother. The result is that I have a mom-by-book, whose god is Dr. Spock.

  Back to my depth perception problem. I have trouble crossing the street. Have I the right-of-way? Do I have enough time to cross safely? These are all important questions for a young person who wants to make her way safely to the corner store and back. I depended on my mom to teach me, and keep me safe. But my mom-by-book does not know. All she could do was give me the rules.

  It is still entertaining to watch her navigate her street corner. Mom starts out confidently enough from that short light, but halfway across the intersection, she breaks in to double-speed. Afterwards, she stops to catch her breath and calm her beating heart. Every crossing is a terrifying venture, as she desperately tries to beat the flashing red hand. Marked crosswalks have their own problems. Especially if there is a clear line of view.

  I have a persistent memory from my childhood standing at a certain crosswalk, holding my mother?s hand. ?When can we cross?? I would ask. ?When we see no cars coming,? was the reply. Simple enough. So I would stand at that crosswalk with my mother, holding her hand, looking down that long, long street, and wishing no more cars would come in to view.

  So here I stand at the street corner alone, waiting to cross. Others bustle and bundle their way past me, in blatant disregard for the posted rules of the road. Have I the right-of-way? Do I have enough time to cross safely? Is it possible to gauge the speed of the oncoming vehicle, assume a regular speed, and determine if I have enough time to cross? I hesitate. My head hurts.

  Oh, well, with time I will figure it out.

  QUESTION: How much of what we become is our parent?s fault? How do our parents affect our perception of reality? How do we figure out which bits they screwed up? And how do we go about fixing it?
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  Odrade

  Sometimes we can't figure out what bits are screwed up until someone points it out to us. "Why are you doing THAT?" "HAHAHA! I don't KNOW, my MOM used to do it!"
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  Soledad

  Here in NY we have what's called the Jaywalking gene imprinted into our collective DNAs. Traffic lights are for cars, not for people.
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  Brummie

  Jgnat, I found that a totally fascinating read. Its seems you're mum and mine do not take the simple things in life for granted, other people dash by without a care in the world while they have to sit and moniter every movement.

  I think my mums worry was every time we (her children) stepped outside of her veiw she always thought she would never see us again, she worried then and still worries now, maybe I have taken that on a little too, as a father I worry every day that I might not see my kids grow up, I enjoy every moment with them but have to keep reasurring myself when I am not with them. A strange little phobia, or perhaps the norm, I dont know.

  Thx, that was real interesting.

  Brummie
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  jgnat

  Odrade: Sometimes we can't figure out what bits are screwed up until someone points it out to us.

  Good point. Ever heard about the women who cut off the tip of the ham? Four generations were in the kitchen preparing for Christmas Feast. The youngest asked her mom why she did that. ?Because Mom always did it, and that is how you prepare it.? Grandma responded in kind. So the youngest turned to her great-grandma, and asked her. ?Because the ham was too big to fit in the pan!?

  I wonder, does our culture fix the messed-up parts, or simply try and get us to fit the norm?

  Soledad: Here in NY we have what's called the Jaywalking gene imprinted into our collective DNAs. Traffic lights are for cars, not for people.

  I noticed that! I also saw that lanes are for picking at the absolutely last second. Isn?t it funny how a city?s culture can affect the whole crowd?

  Brummie: ...I found that a totally fascinating read. Its seems you're mum and mine do not take the simple things in life for granted, other people dash by without a care in the world while they have to sit and moniter every movement.

  This little story is the result of several days of Deep Thinking, thanks to Terry?s thread on how we raise our children. I still believe that fantasy is normal. Rationalism is also an unnatural construct, though a handy one for building rockets. I think the inculcation of cultural values is inevitable. Carrying on past generations? knowledge from one generation to another marks us as a civilization rather than a million little tribes. Books, help, sure. But there are other things our parents teach us from generation to generation that is in no book. Like being able to judge distance. I am sure I was originally hard-wired to determine whether I have time to cross the road, but that basic programming was over-ridden by my mother?s anxious instruction. The only way I know I am not normal, is that I do not jive with societal norms.

  Terry

  ?s basic point bears merit. I think Onacruse has been trying to say the same thing in his own convoluted way. Whatever is the societal norm we naturally consider ?normal?, because others will tell us. But what do we do as a society if our basic precepts are flawed?

  Brummie

  , I am delighted that you caught the spirit, the whimsy of my little story.
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  onacruse

  jgnat:

  I think Onacruse has been trying to say the same thing in his own convoluted way.

  Say what? Convoluted??? My dear lady, my posts are as clear as the muddy Mississippi, and that's as good as it gets. LOLOL

  QUESTION: How much of what we become is our parent?s fault?

  My parents have repeatedly asked me, yes, begged me, to forgive them for the errors that they perceive themselves as having made in raising us 3 boys. And I've repeatedly answered "You did the best you could, with what you had." Factoring in the limitations imposed by the background and personal experiences of every human being, how (e.g. in the case of loving parents) can it be otherwise? In such a case, their only "fault" is that they, like us, are limited beings, hobbled by our finite (and therefore all too frequently faulty) understanding of the universe. That's what we call "Nature."

  How do our parents affect our perception of reality?

  Obviously, in many ways. But I suspect that it's the social interaction with a small but otherwise significant handful of other people that make the biggest difference.

  For example: Suppose (as they were) that my parents were avidly supportive of my goal to go to Bethel, and yet otoh every one of my fellow teenagers (and, in the background, their parents), had made disparaging remarks about my goal? Such "peer pressure" might well have made me reconsider my goal. And what if one or more elders had been honest enough to tell me, an impressionable youth, that Bethel was not all that it was cracked up to be? That would have perhaps even had more impact. But such reservations and criticisms were not (with one exception) forthcoming, and thus I pursued that goal without hesitation.

  My parents fault? Naw. It was the WTS's fault, for having developed a "group-think" society of people, all of whom pervaded my life, and, collectively, had much more influence over me than my parents.

  How do we figure out which bits they screwed up?

  Like everything that's been broken: Pick up on piece at a time...understand it, and fix it, if you can...otherwise, just set it back down and start with another piece.

  And how do we go about fixing it?

  To borrow the time-worn, and yet oh-so-meaningful phrase: "To thine own self be true."

  Perhaps that's the most insidious of all betrayals: the betrayal of ourself! And the multitude of ways that we so conveniently find to do just that; blame it on our parents, blame it on the WTS, blame it on our school, blame it on that bully that beat me up, blame it on my skin color, blame it on blah blah blah...when in fact, the biggest hurdle is for us to realize that we are responsible for every decision, or indecision, that we make.

  And, at the same time, to realize that it's not a bad thing that we be responsible for those decisions: That's just life.

  Craigster (of the "convoluted and loving it" class )
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  Pole

  QUESTION: How much of what we become is our parent?s fault? How do our parents affect our perception of reality? How do we figure out which bits they screwed up? And how do we go about fixing it?

  
  jgnat

  Do you have a brother/sister? Do they have similar problems? I think this is one of the few fairly objective tests of "which screwed-up bits" they are responsible for. A lot of our personality/behaviour may be due to genetics. Wait! Aren't our parents responsible for this part too, though?

  Pole
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  jgnat

  Forgive me, fellas, for taking so long to respond. You made me THINK. Which takes time. Which does not suit the lightning-speed of webthink.

  Pole, I have one brother and one sister. My sister barged through traffic like the rest of her fellow university students. My brother is a bicycle courier. So I guess my theory is shot. My siblings reacted to their upbringing differently than I (rebel instead of conform) though they both bear marks. Just different ones.

  Onacruse,

  the social interaction with a small but otherwise significant handful of other people that make the biggest difference.

  From observation, I wonder if this is true for teenagers, but less so for smaller children? So much of who we are is hard-wired before we ever go to school. During those developing years, it is our parents from whom we learn how to react to our world.

  How do we figure out which bits they screwed up?
  Like everything that's been broken: Pick up on piece at a time...understand it, and fix it, if you can...otherwise, just set it back down and start with another piece.

  ...an excellent description of the recovery process here in JWD.

  the biggest hurdle is for us to realize that we are responsible for every decision, or indecision, that we make.

  An empowering revelation! My sister, though very competent in many areas, still blames her upbringing for her problems. I hope I am farther along in my recovery and forgiveness. I saw a heart-breaking card at my mother?s. It was from my niece, my sister?s girl, and it said, ?Dear Grandma. I don?t know who you are.? Why hurt mom that way? She cannot help that her handicap prevents her from interacting normally with her children and grandchildren. Why spread the anger? I fear, also, that this simmering anger will boomerang on my sister, as her children are quite ready to blame HER for their failings.
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  Gretchen956

  This traffic light thing is funny! There's a saying that one way you can tell if someone is from Seattle is that they would stand in the middle of the night with no traffic and in the pouring rain and wait for the light to change to cross the street. That reaction may be reinforced, I have seen pedestrians getting tickets for jaywalking many times here. Recently when I was in Washington DC I notice the NYC rule was in effect. No one, and I mean NO ONE waited for the light. It was enough to barely miss the cars.

  I don't think looking at our brothers and sisters and seeing if they exhibit the same fcked up traits is a sure sign that our parents are responsible, every person handles the disfunction differently and can react differently. Yes, there is a lot of genetics in it, but there is a lot of nurture, too. For instance, my oldest brother had years of therapy. Next oldest was disfellowshipped four times (that I know of, haven't spoken to him in over 10 years) for visiting prostitutes, he has been married five times. Then me, and I'm perfect in every way! . Next brother, you would say fairly normal, except he married an older woman who is totally controlling (like mom), sister next, goddess where do I start! First child at 17, got preggers first sexual encounter, first marriage abusive, husband ended up in prison, on and off welfare for YEARS, second husband (still married) abusive, one of her children committed suicide. Next brother you might also say is fairly normal, except he too married a controlling older woman. Last brother was a junkie for years, completed treatment and off the hard drugs, but has health issues and has a hard time with the drink.

  And we were JWs!!! (by their fruits???) So, no one in their right mind would say that there wasn't something wrong with the parenting! I can tell you, my parents were psycho-witnesses, hyper-witnesses. Every single thing they did/do is predicated on fear that their god is looking over their shoulder and will harm them if they don't get it right.

  As for the abuse part, it can stop. I did not abuse my son in any way. My lasting shame is, I too married an abusive husband who harmed us both. I stayed because of the religion for 15 years. But now I am FREE!!

  So my question, after all that long and drawn out ramble, is: How much is the parent and how much is the religion??

  Sherry
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  jgnat

  For Gretchen, for rising above your upbringing. for all of us who broke the cycle of dysfunctional parenting.

  Onacruse says the same thing, blaming organization more than his parents. Is the organization predatory; either by accident and design? Does it eat vulnerable people up and destroy their ability to make independent, healthy choices for their lives? If so, does this absolve intelligent adults from all responsibility?

  No matter how good their campaign, they cannot suck me in. So their system of conversion is not perfect.