ESSEX DISASTER
A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex, United Kingdom. Victims were seen
wandering around aimlessly muttering "faaackin 'ell ...stone the bleedin' crows.."
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars
were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro cheque arrived.
Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 17-year-old mother of 5 said "It was
such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I
was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as
normal.The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after, items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
-- Designer label shades.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
affected. £24 buys a new satellite receiver dish.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret - 'Where are
you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to
do wiv it?"
Englishman.
Englishman.