I am not a Jehovah's Witness, nor have ever been. I cannot even come close to relating what that is like. However, my husband has been studying with them. He has come to the conclusion that they are wrong, just a man-made religion, and has read Crisis of Conscience which has him really upset. He actually said he will never join them. However, he is still meeting with the JW at his work to let him "explain" things such as false prophesy, etc. My main question is to those of you who are married to JW's. My husband is not "one of them" (yet) yet holds alot of their beliefs, which I do not share. I believe in the Trinity, Hell, that we all have a soul, etc. How do you live with someone whom you have no core beliefs with? I am told by people to just accept him for who he is. Remember what brought you two together in the first place....He says we can still talk about our day, how work was, etc. But I WANT a husband I can pray with. I WANT a husband I can go to church with. I WANT a husband who I can celebrate holidays with. I WANT a husband who will allow me to get angry without believing I am just possesed by Satan! I WANT a husband that cares that I've had to give up everything I USED to have before he "changed his mind" about what he believes. I DONT WANT a husband who says "Not my problem". Why is it OK for him to be selfish and get all this that HE wants, but I have to give up everything I want just for the sake of staying married to him because I love him?? Why do I have to try to remember why I fell in love with him for the first place? I'm tired of having to bury everything I want and feel because of his "New beliefs". It's all well and good to say put up a christmas tree, cook a turkey, take the kids trick-or-treating, and if he doesnt like it too bad! But in reality, if I do those things it just turns in to a big fight and I'm not RESPECTING his beliefs and what offends him! Why cant he put up with what I WANT because he respects MY beliefs? How do you all do it? Do you bury everything you feel and want, which is what I'm doing? I know I'm to the point where I have to figure out if I can live with myself, knowing I'm not being true to what I feel and want, just to stay married to him. Or decide that I have to leave him to be truly free and get what I want! I want to be selfish! I want to smack him and say "NO!" this is what we've ALWAYS done...this is what we'll continue to do! Why does that make me the bad, unrespectful wife? Why do I have to give up everything? I'm so ANGRY! He had a very loose lifestyle before I met him and unknowingly gave me HIV! That's pretty much made it so that no-one will want to be with me! I didnt ask for this disease! I didnt ask for someone who is taking away everything I love and want. When do I get to be selfish?? Why do I think it's selfish to want what we've always had before that damn JW came into his life! I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just so angry!!! How do I get past it? I dont know how to go on......
When Can I be Selfish??
by snbdye2000 5 Replies latest jw friends
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Been there
YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!!!!!
HE is being selfish if he is not making it a joint decision. He is part of a pair. He has pulled the rug out from under you and does'nt want you to be angry. Probably you should get some counciling so you don't waste years of your life trying to hang on without help. Maybe it can speed up your thought processes. Sounds like you already know you won't tolerate this long. Dr. Phil would call this a deal breaker.
Is he trying to attone for his past and show God what a fine upstanding person he is trying to be? Is this the permission he needs to be abusive if you are not in submission to him? Your daughter is caught in the middle. The stress of opposition between her parents will be far more harmful then what ever belief system she may be taught.
He needs to love you and respect your beliefs also for you two to come to a compromise and live together peacefully if not you will resent him and grow to hate him. If you are miserable in a marriage...your children are in a miserable marriage with you. You have a choice. They don't.
IMHO
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Granny Linda
Ya know, I used to think myself selfish for many reasons. Much of which came from an engrained JW mindset that certainly creates a neurosis. I have no advise, just wanted too acknowledge your post because I've been through those rough spots in my marriage(s); although they were not related to religion, which I'd imagine must be one of the most difficult situations to deal with - conflicting religious beliefs. (((Hugs)))
When my husband and I first got together some 10 years ago the first thing I told him was that should he embrace Christianity in any fashion or form - it wouldn't work. Just my experience shared. I'd had enough of people telling me how to live my life and would (will) not tolerate it from even him.
In our instance...all's well that ends well. There are no easy answers...just remember not to give up who you are for the sake of a religion that is anti-life, anti-happiness and full of negativity.
Stay of good cheer
gl
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Lady Lee
sndbye2000
My husband is not nor has he ever been a JW. I was one for 22 years but left almost 20 years ago. We are separating and I am leaving for good on Saturday. I am leaving for many of the reasons you stated and it has nothing to do with religion.
How do you live with someone whom you have no core beliefs with? I am told by people to just accept him for who he is.
I am agnostic. He is atheist. We can't even discuss it anymore without him just saying "I'm right and you're wrong"
Remember what brought you two together in the first place....He says we can still talk about our day, how work was, etc.
I find this incredibly shallow and empty. I've had a relationship in the past that was rich and full of talking about everything under the sun. We didn'a always agree but we could talk about it with respect for the differences. I truly miss that now.I feel so empty without it.
Why is it OK for him to be selfish and get all this that HE wants, but I have to give up everything I want just for the sake of staying married to him because I love him?? Why do I have to try to remember why I fell in love with him for the first place?
In my situation it is the same but for different reasons. We lived together for 2 years before we married. He was very different then. He has become a person I don't recognize anymore. He constantly treats me as if I am suddenly stupid and don't know anything. I wonder what happened to the old him.
I'm tired of having to bury everything I want and feel because of his "New beliefs".
In my case it isn't so much his new beliefs but this new him.
But in reality, if I do those things it just turns in to a big fight and I'm not RESPECTING his beliefs and what offends him! Why cant he put up with what I WANT because he respects MY beliefs?
I'm so tired of feeling like my feelings don't count. It is so disrespectful that he puts me down all the time. It is subtle but it is killing my spirit. I talk less and less to avoid being stepped on yet again.
How do you all do it? Do you bury everything you feel and want, which is what I'm doing?
That is what I have been doing too. I either fight back and tell him to stop treating me like a child or I shut up. Both ways is killing the love and my spirit.
I know I'm to the point where I have to figure out if I can live with myself, knowing I'm not being true to what I feel and want, just to stay married to him. Or decide that I have to leave him to be truly free and get what I want! I want to be selfish!
Well I came to that point a while ago and have been working on my exit. My belongings were shipped to another city on Monday and I leave on Saturday. What is love if there is no respect for each other? What is love if one person is treated as if they are inferior or stupid (or in your case from Satan)? This has affected my health seriously. It is so stressful not knowing what to say or avoid saying.
Somewhere inside him is the man I loved. But I see so little of him that it is hard to sustain that love. I don't see it so much as being selfish but rather self caring. If I don't take care of me I know he won't at this point. He hasn't got a clue who I am or what love really is. And I don't want to be in a marriage alone.
Believe me there are worse things than being alone for the rest of your life. Like having your spirit die and living in a loveless marriage. Then you will be no use to yourself or your children.
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hubert
The problem is, the j.w. your husband is meeting with, is trying to change his mind. Try to discuss what the j.w. is telling him. Look up info on only what he is getting from the j.w., to counteract what he is telling him.
You still have time to get your husband to come around to the idea of celebrating Thanksgiving, etc. Work on him slowly. I wouldn't give up on him just yet, for the fact he is saying that the W.T. is a manmade religion, and he knows it's wrong, plus he read Crisis of Conscience. Even though it's hard, I think you should discuss, not argue, with him about his beliefs, again, slowly.
The J.W.'s start their brainwashing technique by first tearing down all other religions, and their beliefs, so they can start to get a hold on their "new convert".
Hang in there, and keep trying to get him back. I know you are having a real problem with it, but he is only just starting to get involved with the j.w.'s, so it's not like you have had this problem for years, as some of the others here have. I wish I could give you better advice. I just feel you still have a good chance of getting him to "see the light", because of some of the things he said to you. Don't give up on him just yet. Good luck, and God bless.
Hubert
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kj
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are NOT being selfish. You deserve to have your beliefs respected, and not be constantly over-ruled just because his beliefs have changed. If he believes the JWs are wrong, why does he still agree with so many of their beliefs, particularly the thing about holidays? Has he explained why he feels the way he does?
kj