All I Ever Wanted

by Frenchy 6 Replies latest social entertainment

• 

  Frenchy

  It's been said that we do not miss what we have never had. I don't think that is completely true. I have never felt complete. I have lived my life feeling as if I were somehow in the wrong place or time, there is forever a sense of wrongness about me and an impatience to get to some place or someone and I know not where or who. Whatever joys or delights I may experience are short lived against this background of --what shall I call it, this hole in my soul?

  If this life is all there be
  Then it would have served some else better than me
  If it be a prelude to things yet to come
  I will endure the wait, the wait for home

  This is a story of someone who found what he wanted. The price he paid was small indeed for having found his purpose.
  -----
  ALL I EVER WANTED.
  ------------------
  Red flows the boiling river far beneath my feet;
  Impatiently it surges onward for all time,
  Forever in motion, endless its quest for the sea;
  So is the turmoil within this troubled heart of mine.
  Like the eternal river below, my heart hastens to thee.
  -----
  Slowly drift the clouds in a sky of azure blue,
  Aloof, unreachably high above the realm of earth,
  Like this hopeless, impossible love I have for you.
  They mock me with their serenity and their mirth,
  Whilst I suffer in anguish in this hell for loving you.
  -----
  Cold is the wind that blows on my tear stained face.
  Autumn leaves rise into the air and dance in gay delight.
  Oblivious to my despair, they whirl and twirl and play.
  We have never danced or played or shared the light
  Of a setting sun or rising moon or seen each other's face.
  -----
  Gently lies your essence on my troubled mind,
  Like a cool hand upon a fevered brow.
  You walk the corridors of my soul, pausing time to time
  And awakening passions lost until now,
  Forgotten dreams and hopes I thought lost for all time.
  -----
  High is the bluff upon which I stand and peer
  At troubled waters relentless in their mad decent.
  How can I love one never seen but held so dear?
  Foolish heat without reason, determined and hell bent,
  To plunge recklessly forward into the sea ever nearer.
  -----
  Soft are the hands I've never touched, lips never kissed.
  Bright are the eyes not beheld, a voice soft and low.
  My arms ache for what I've never had and yet I miss.
  I beseech the ethereal clouds that before they go,
  To lift my spirit up to the sky and on to my bliss.
  -----
  Fast I fall as I plunge into the surging waters below.
  My spirit rises to meet the nebulous clouds above.
  For the spirit can neither be bound or confined but can go
  Whence it pleases to seek out the one I love
  And when it finds her and caresses her she will know
  -----
  --All I ever wanted, you see,
  Was for her to know me.

  Written by the French Knight who is always alone, even in a crowd.

  -Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it-
• 

  Pathofthorns

  You are the greatest poster in the world Frenchy.

  I feel that way too. The vanity of life that Solomon spoke of, the desiring to be released from the shackles of this human body that Paul spoke about.

  I think the trip as a Witness was beneficial and opened our eyes to what we might have missed otherwise. We might have reached our destination sooner than most.

  Enjoy the trip Frenchy. Enjoy life and enjoy the moment.

  I'm not really afraid of dying anymore. I think whatever lies beyond death holds the keys to the answer of "what is truth?" It holds the key to all the answers and true freedom. I'll find out when I get there I guess.

  Path
• 

  waiting

  Hey Frenchy,

  I can always picture you when posting soulful poems, as sitting with a cup of coffee laced with chicory (and whiskey) just looking.....

  I don't regret in a hateful way, the years in the WTBTS. I needed the security to survive. I had a chance to live with my aunt who was a professor and go to college free. I turned it down - my father made it plain to me what he would do to me if I even considered her offer. I was intelligent - she spotted it - he killed it.

  If I would have fought him and went with her, I don't think I would have survived emotionally with my background. Too invasive, don't think I could have done it. Pretty sure of that.

  The Truth, however, offered security, and that was my magnet. My father beat me for studying - terribly. Thankfully, my memory was faulty so it didn't bother me that much. I paid dearly for my security.

  But it did serve a purpose - I survived.

  Now it's time to move on. The purpose, just to move, I suppose. Who knows? It depends upon who you ask. Perhaps not to hurt others and even to help if possible. That's not such a bad goal, is it? Maybe even to love - whatever comes our way.

  Lovely, moody, poem. Thank you.

  waiting
• 

  Seven

  Dear French Knight, Another masterpiece to send to my newly created French Knight folder lest the board crashes and they are lost forever-and we are
  all temporarily lost. If not for this hole in your
  soul that you speak of you could not write nor express yourself the way you do. Likewise, I would
  be unable to paint and create the things I do if not for the hole in mine. Alone is what you make of it. Strange how everyone feels this is such an unnatural and negative state of being. I must smile to myself. They will never understand. One of the most bizzare things about living in this world is that it is only now and then that I am quite certain that I am going to live for ever and
  ever. These moments take on a magical meaning and quality. I know this to be certain while sitting on the dock waiting for the sun to rise-like it has every morning for thousands upon thousands of years. Standing in the woods while daylight surrenders itself to the millions of stars and the
  mysterious sounds of the night. These everyday events that we often give little or no thought to
  makes it all true for me. The certainty that my creator knows my name and holds me in the palm of his hand. It matters not if in this one moment in time I am experiencing physcial pain or anything that goes along with being mortal. I will live for
  ever and ever. Somewhere I read, where you tend a rose, a thistle cannot grow-like our thoughts. Plant roses in the place of dark thoughts-turning dispair into something very beautiful.7
• 

  Frenchy

  Dear Path: Thank you so much for that grand compliment! I wish you happiness on your ride.
  Dear waiting: I do drink the coffee…I have been accused of having that far off blank look on my face as well!

  to help if possible. That's not such a bad goal, is it?

  I think that it’s a very noble goal. That I what I have wished all along, to be able to help. As for the poem, you’re welcome, and thank you for your support and encouragement.
  Dear Seven: You’re actually keeping this stuff! I’m flattered. You are so right about the hole. I think we all have one whether or not we realize it. With some of us it’s more pronounced perhaps and we try harder to fill it. Isn’t it interesting how a deficiency ( a wanting, a longing, --a hole!) within us can provoke us to go to such lengths to fill it? Some must write, some must paint, some must fill it with music, and the list is virtually endless. It’s the grain of sand in the oyster, that bit of irritation that causes us to embark on a life long endeavor of surrounding that irritation with a pearl.
  There are times when God seems very distant and other times when I can almost feel his breath on my face. I enjoy believing that he is there and that he created all things and that we are his children and that he knows of our pains and insecurities and that one day we shall stand before him and that he will answer all our questions with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. I have to believe, I have no other choice.
  Still the dark thoughts you speak of remain within me. I write about them and somehow it keeps them at bay –for a while.

  -Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it-
• 

  Maxee

  Frenchy
  I too feel like you describe. With time I have found that once again I no longer fear death. One thing is for certain in life " we will die". Whats beyond that I and everyone is yet to find out. I am no longer going to waste my life worrying about what may have been or what is out there after death.
  Each day is a new beginning and journey for me now. A journey of learning and discovering myself and family and friends around me. A journey discovering more about the awsomeness of life the universe and our part in it.
• 

  RedhorseWoman

  Once again, Frenchy, you have touched our souls.

  Simply being has become enough for me. Going outside on a June evening and watching the thousands of fireflies blanketing the back pasture gives me more pure joy than any fireworks display.

  Taking frightened, abused, abandoned animals and restoring them to the lives they were meant to live...with joy and comfort and gentle touches...gives me a greater sense of fulfillment than anything I can imagine.

  Life has finally become a wondrous gift.