Manchester's Olympic Bid

by expatbrit 1 Replies latest social humour

  • expatbrit
    expatbrit

    Those of use who live in Manchester may find this amusing.

    Conceivably, so may those of us who don't.

    Expatbrit, not from Manchester

    MANCHESTER'S BID TO STAGE THE 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES
    ------------------------------------------------

    In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic
    Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the
    organisers of Manchester's bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule
    of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

    OPENING CEREMONY
    ----------------

    The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
    of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area) wearing the
    traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip-pan
    situated on the roof of the stadium.

    THE EVENTS
    ----------

    In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been
    particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
    events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

    100 METRES SPRINT
    -----------------

    Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave (one in
    each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
    be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

    100 METRES HURDLES
    ------------------

    As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences,
    walls, etc...).

    HAMMER
    ------

    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
    use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the
    most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
    allowed.

    FENCING
    -------

    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
    jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

    SHOOTING
    --------

    A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
    first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
    competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor
    wages delivery man.

    BOXING
    ------

    Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and
    will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
    of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
    gets home. The bout will then commence.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS
    -------------------

    Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and
    take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
    country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

    CYCLING PURSUIT
    ---------------

    As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
    Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

    MODERN PENTATHLON
    -----------------

    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy
    riding, and arson.

    THE MARATHON
    ------------

    A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
    with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
    around the course.

    SWIMMING
    --------

    Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The
    first three survivors back will decide the medals.

    MEN'S 50KM WALK
    ---------------

    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
    guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.

    THE CLOSING CEREMONY
    --------------------

    Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
    Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
    rock throwing, and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic
    flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
    on to it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
    The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break
    into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating
    boiler.

  • Simon
    Simon

    Just one question...

    ... why is this in the 'Jokes and Humour' section? All seems perfectly normal to me but then I am a local

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