Yesterday, on the first Christmas holiday, my family and me were invited at my father in law's house. He has never been a JW and we had no contact BUT because HE shunned us for being JW. I find this as offensive as being shunned by a JW - maybe even worse because he decided personally to have no contact. With the JW I know that they follow their peer pressure.
Well, but since my brother in law has informed him that we are no longer JW he called and this was our third or fourth meeting since then. I would like to bring his shunning up but I have not had the opportunity yet. And he has not even hinted the fact that we are no longer JW.
However, yesterday was the first time I had game as a dish. My father in law is a hunter. In the past, I would avoid game because you do not know if it is properly blooded when it is shot with grit. It was very tasty.
Have you also changed one shunning against the other? Have relatives shunned you because you were a JW? Do you think one is worse than the other?
Which is worse: shunning by JW or by Non-JW relatives?
by GermanXJW 9 Replies latest jw friends
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GermanXJW
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bem
I have a huge family and I was shunned by all of them when I was a JW... Now they seem to be confused 'cause I am no longer associating with the jws. I resent the jw years because when I took a stand it was with conviction and I "was serious". But now that I no longer take that stand, My extended family do not understand the reversal. since we now celebrate holidays etc. It's hard to be taken seriously , it's just very hard for folks that have never been exposed to the jws to "get it". On the bright side, I never liked my relatives much anyway. Leave 'em wondering.
Edited to add: an Uncle and his wife that are jw are shunning my son cause he's dis-fellowshipped, and ignore me cause I have faded into sanity. It did cause him pain to be mis-treated by them. he feared I would be that way to him. when actually his being Df'd helped me see how wrong the jws were!! for which I am thankful.
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Country_Woman
HE shunned us for being JW. I find this as offensive as being shunned by a JW - maybe even worse because he decided personally to have no contact. With the JW I know that they follow their peer pressure.
Jens you are right: I am from the same thought.
When we (my mother, daughter and me) joined the JW one of my brothers decided to visit my mothers house no longer - for he did'nt want to actually met JW''s - so my mother decided to visit him - not realising that she was a JW as well.
After a few years he made a turn (seeing that we did'nt change that much) but after my mothers dead and my fading there after, he decided I did'nt made a proper stand and dis-associate myself. for that and some other reasons he decided to shun me again.
(I' ve told him that he would be a great wittnes: not capable of unconditional love)
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Balsam
Gosh, how terrible to be shunned by worldly family. My family was wonderful to me always. They were not thrilled at my decision to be a JW but and I was obnoxious about it in the beginning. But they always loved me. Since I have left they were my #1 supporters. Even my brother who I was a terrible too at one point was very supportive and forgiving of my hateful behavior while I was a JW.
I can't honestly say I've ever heard of shunning by non-jw family. Very interesting. I think you need to talk to him.
Balsam
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Odrade
I think it depends largely on how he was treated as your family were converting to JWism. I have a cousin who shunned us when my parents converted. We had almost no contact with him or his family for almost 30 years. All my life growing up I always heard about how pigheaded he was and how he wouldn't speak to us... "how Christian! laugh laugh laugh (making fun of)"
Anyways, as we have exited, I have re-established contact with this branch of the family--which is by far the largest and most family oriented. The are really wonderful people--including the supposedly nasty cousin. They have opened their house to me just as if 30 years have not passed. So... here is the "rest of the story" as they say.
When my parents were newly converted, they in a burst of new zeal and fervor, went directly to this family branch and started pointing up all the ways they were wrong. Why them? They were devoutly Christian, unlike nearly all the rest of the family who aren't particularly religious at all. They made it their mission to prove all the ways my cousins beliefs were wrong, and being the 70s, you can imagine the beat-em-over-the-head with the NWT, foot-in-the-door style that was used. Finally, cousin had enough, said he wouldn't have any more confrontations with my parents again, even if that meant he never spoke with them again.
Whole different picture looking from his side, huh?
So... not saying YOUR family is the same, but I think mostly, when non-JW family members shun the JW ones, it's because they've grown tired of beating their head against the fanatical wall the new convert erects. Sometimes they just say "as long as they are in that insane religion, I want nothing more to do with them." When we exit, they are only too glad to re-establish family ties. Of course I realize there are exceptions, that was just my little family shunning experience.
O
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Cicatrix
I have some in-laws that used the fact that I was JW to shun me, with the approval of the rest of the family. They were also having a JW family call on them regularly, mostly, I believe, to spread lies about me.They were very active in their own church, and regularly spoke against JW beliefs (I don't know if the JWs knew that or not). Also, some other folks I know told me that they had witnessed them saying crap about me.
The JWs believed the lies (there was no reason for them not to, my in-laws are "pillars of the community"), and I was scapegoated because of it.Not only by the JWs, but also by the very small, very rural community I lived in. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, because I ended up being able to experience for myself the lack of love and the emphasis on legalism in the organisation. I "rebelled" against the local JW elders and went to college, and there I met lots of new people and learned that not everything "worldly" was evil.I realized that I was being totally stressed out by the JW org, to the point it was affecting my health and the health of my kids. I knew I needed to get out.
When I DA'd myself awhile back, the in-laws lost their cover. I figured that my announcement would be a test as to whether their motive was for religious and altruistic reasons or not, and I gave them a Christmas ornament as my "peace offering". My efforts to bury the hatchet were not reciprocated. Later in the first year I was out,when I was buying flowers at the greenhouse where my SIL works, she took me aside and yelled at me about the fact that my family bought the family business and house that she and her husband wanted.Unfortunately, she cornered me in a back greenhouse, so there were no witnesses to her little tirade. At least I know the real reason for all the venom, anyway!
This year,I sent them a Christmas card, wishing them a "blessed Christmas and New Year":) It hurts to be hated over something I had no idea was even an issue until way too late (and the sad part is that I had never wanted to move there and take over the family business-my husband wanted to), but I'm not going to let how she and her husband treat me to affect my life anymore. Now that I live hundreds of miles away from them, their rumors don't affect me.
On the bright side, another SIL admitted recently that she had been told some lies about me that she no longer believes. Maybe someday the rest of the family will get a clue, too. -
wednesday
I have had this experience with non-jws relatives and with INACTIVE JWS and with some relatives that have never been jws, but have never been any religion and think probably jws are right, just too strict. So i have seen shunning from all angles. Shunning b/c of a persons religion is wrong, but u have to admit, jws make it easy to want to shun them, they can be so pig headed about their beliefs.Growing up in the Bible belt, i know many religions can be just as pig headed as jWS ever hoped to be.
gjw,just my opinion, but i would let it go now and give it some time. He may be willing to talk about it later and explain to u why he was shunning u. At any rate, he seems to want a relationship with u. Give it a shot.
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Agnes
I don't think one is any worse than the other. Shunning is cruel. JW's aren't allowed to associate with "worldy people" and perhaps the non-jw's take offense at that and figures why bother with them since they have made their choice.
Agnes
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Hondo
This is an interesting topic. I am not a JW, nor have ever been one. After a marriage of 20+ years my ex-wife joined the JW's and is now a full-fledged member. She kept her entire involvement to herself, and from me (I found out about her involvement about a year after she had started her "free bible study" by discovering some magazines she was hiding. This is one of the major reasons we eventually divorced).
She is a Japanese national and did not come out of the JW "closet" until after she was baptized. As a result her mother and sister in Japan want nothing to do with her anymore. They blame her for the divorce (I was very close and well liked by all the inlaws) and have essentially told her to stay away (I still communicate with them from time-to-time). A sister, and her family, whom I still communicate with as well, in Germany, has for the most part, refused to be her sister anymore and also want nothing to do with my ex-wife.
I have not shunned my ex, but rarely see her (we live about 20 mins from each other). From what I understand (my son and daughter are still close to their mother and communicate with her regularly) she attend 3 or 4 meetings a week, does her service stuff, and attends Saturday functions. The last time I did talked with her (about a month ago) she did not appear to be phased by the family shunning. I know she had not talked with her mother or sisters in over a year.
Although I do not agree with the families "reverse shunning" I understand their feelings. They, as I, fail to understand how my wife, their daughter, after 20 years of a very good marriage, decided to join a group they consider a cult.
Hondo
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sugarbritches
I am being shunned and I'm not even a Witness. The elders and most all of the congregation will not speak to or associate with me in any way. They disfellowshipped my best friend- because of his association with me- a non- witness. Although I am sad now that my friend has walked out of my life- in order to please the elders- I'm glad that I am not a prisoner at the local Kingdom Hall.