16 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife

by Carmel 9 Replies latest jw friends

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  Carmel

  The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

  16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.

  (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

  15. Find a prostitute and marry her, so that some of her children will be born to you from other men.

  Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

  14. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.

  Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

  13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.

  Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

  12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.

  Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

  11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
  Note: this will cost you a rib.

  Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

  10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.

  Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

  9. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.

  David (I Samuel 18:27)

  8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)

  Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

  7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.

  Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

  6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."

  Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

  5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).

  David (2 Samuel 11)

  4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).

  Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

  3. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.

  Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

  2. A wife?...NOT!!!

  Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

  1. Become sinless and die in atonement for others; then you can marry a whole bunch of people.

  Jesus (Revelation 15?) Proper context IS important http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/1997/1997ACA.html
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  Lostreality

  # 12 sounds familier...

  lol
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  MungoBaobab

  I love this thread, even if it is a re-run!
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  justhuman

  BECOME A SOLDIER LIKE THE ISRAEL SOLDIERS IN MOSES TIMES,

  INVADE INTO A CITY KILL ALL MALES

  AND GET YOUR SELF ONE GOOD LOOKING WOMAN THAT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO WORSHIP IDOLS
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  ColdRedRain

  11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
  Note: this will cost you a rib. Adam (Genesis 2:19-24

  We could have gotten something better for an arm and a leg. Damn.

  12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.

  Here's a Brick Testament-esque detail of how it happened. And yes, folks, I do really dress like that and my hair is really blonde.
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  pratt1

  Rape any woman and then she becomes your wife - Dana
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  FairMind

  Go to a District Convention because there are a lot of wives there. Once you choose one of the wives be careful and don?t get caught!

  FM
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  Jim_TX

  "11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
  Note: this will cost you a rib."

  Ummm... it'll cost you more than just a rib.

  It'll also get you thrown outta your bachelor pad (aka 'paradise'), that you had fixed up nicely.

  The landlord will come around and see that you've been stealing fruit from his prized fruit tree - and kick you out of your apartment.

  Regards,

  Jim TX
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  unclebruce

  ROTFLMAO!!

  Thanks for the bible study and brotherly advice eli

  unc who gets all his spiritchle advice here.

  ps: now ya got any clues how I should fund a wife?
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  unclebruce

  ColDreDrain,

  Lov'n your 'toon - 'uck'n brilliant!

  unclebruce