Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so that we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, just listen - a voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic, feel free to continue singing
and talking into the phone. A live person will be available to speak with you in 6 short hours.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter what you press. No one will answer.