i need help with critiqueing an essay

by crizlee 4 Replies latest jw friends

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  crizlee

  I need help with my personal statement in critiquing it. Its for a minority scholarship. The prompt is:
  
  Applicants must submit a personal statement that provides information about their Asian-Pacific background, community involvement, career goals and desire to contribute to their community. Information about unique personal or financial circumstances may be added. Applicants should consider the personal statement as the equivalent to an interview. Personal statements must not be more than 2 pages in length.
  
  I am of Korean descent. I was born in Seoul, South Korea. My father is Caucasian and my other is Korean. I only lived there for 8 months, so I hardly remember anything at all, although I did pay a visit to my homeland 5 years ago. I am heavily involved with my church and my school?s Art Club. With my church, I lead the morning service, and I have done missionary work. In Art Club, our goal is to beautify the school. We have done murals for the baseball field, decorated school furnishings, and painted a huge mural for the cafeteria. My goal for my career is to earn my degree in Aerospace Engineering, at the same time being part of the Naval ROTC. After college, I plan to go into the United States Navy as an officer, and become a Naval Flight Officer. I want to complete my flight training and fly jets. After my service to the Navy, I want to join NASA and design spacecraft or even become an astronaut.
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  fairchild

  
  Hi there,

  Ha, I edited what you wrote above and then deleted it again. Is the part you wrote in the above post what you want edited? please let me know.
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  Double Edge

  Here's my 2 cents:
  

  I am of Korean descent. I was born in Seoul, South Korea. My father is Caucasian and my mother is Korean. I only lived there for 8 months, so I hardly remember anything at all, although I did pay a visit to my homeland 5 years ago. I am heavily involved with my church and my school?s Art Club. With my church, I lead the morning service, and I have done missionary work. In Art Club, our goal is to beautify the school. We have done painted murals for the baseball field, decorated school furnishings, and painted a huge mural for the cafeteria. My undergraduate goal is to earn a degree in Aerospace Engineering and participate in the Naval ROTC program. After college, I plan intend to join the United States Navy, eventually becoming a Naval Flight Officer. I want to complete my flight training and fly jets. Upon completion of my service to the Navy, I want to join NASA's astronaut program or use my degree and experience to design spacecraft.
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  AlmostAtheist

  Is it important to play up the minority aspect of it? If so, saying, "I was only there for 8 months" might not be the way to go. "My time spent in my homeland is precious to me" would be better, let them decide for themselves how long it was.

  Are there any korean astronauts? If so, something like, "Following in the footsteps of Huan Jo Kim, who commanded Enterprise shuttle flight #97, I would like to ..." (I don't know of any, but you can dig around and see, if it's relevant).

  If they say to keep it to two pages, you probably need to fluff it out to at least one page with a few sentences of spill-over to the second page. You don't want to be wordy, but you don't want to be terse, either.

  Dave
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  crizlee

  i revised it:
  
  Growing up in the United States has been hard for me because of my physical traits being different from everyone else. I have different eyes, eyes that are slanted outward. From that I am automatically identified as being from the Orients. From the first day of my schooling to this day, people still ask me questions of my ethnicity. Questions such as, ?Are you Vietnamese??, ?Are you Chinese??, ?Are you Japanese??, and my favorite, ?Do you know Karate?? Stereotyping is a big issue for me, but I have found it to be humorous after dealing with it for 17 years now. And actually I am of Korean descent. It seems to me that no one has ever heard of this place called Korea. So I tell them it?s that strip of land between China and Japan.
  I am actually shocked that no one from here knows about Korea especially when a war was fought there. That brings me great sadness because many Korean families including my relatives were separated in that war. On the bright side of this situation I am a product from that war. I was born from my father who was an American soldier and my Korean mother. I was born in a United States military hospital in Seoul, South Korea. I lived in my birthplace briefly, so I hardly remember anything at all, although I did pay a visit to my homeland 5 years ago.
  I am heavily involved with my church and my school?s Art Club. With my church, I lead the morning service, and I have done missionary work. In Art Club, our goal is to beautify the school. We painted murals for the baseball field, decorated school furnishings, and painted a huge mural for the cafeteria. My undergraduate goal is to earn a goal for my career is to earn my degree in Aerospace Engineering and participate in Naval ROTC program. After college, I intend to join the United States Navy, and eventually becoming a Naval Flight Officer. Upon completion of my service to the Navy, I want to join NASA's astronaut program or use my degree and experience to design spacecraft.