Hi Folks,
It's been a year since my last confession (once a Catholic, always a Catholic). I have posted a couple of times here recently, but for the most part have just lurked from time to time. I thought I would update those who remember why I originally started posting to this board.
I filed for divorce the 26th of Jan 05 and moved out two days later. I don't mind answering any questions and participating in the thread (after all, I'm starting it). I'm just not really up to going through all the details in one go.
I want to thank everyone for all the support and understanding I received a year ago, and too to those who gave me a hard time. They forced me to look very hard at my situation. I actually reviewed the old posts as I was preparing for this. While it hurts on one level, it is the right thing to do. There was just too much damage to the marriage for me to be able to work in it any longer. I don't have any animosity toward my wife - she is who she is. I've thought a lot about it, and I believe the bottom line is that we were simply incompatible on too many levels to be able to reach a compromise that is workable 'to death do us part'. I'm through fighting. I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I don't want to be hurt. So much crap has happened that the analogy I used today is that of an old dog with hip dysplasia that drags itself across the floor crying all day long, barking at anyone that comes near and trying to bite anyone that tries to pet it. It is time to put our marriage to sleep. She is who she is because of her upbringing, and I am who I am. I cannot change her, but I also know that I am inside of me, and I have to live with me. How much of me can change for her? Not enough. And after all this time, I have no expectations that she will change for me. People can change if they truly want to, if they see and understand the need to, but it is a rare thing in my opinion. I believe that most people don?t change, because changing would require commitment and effort, and most people are too lazy, too weak or require immediate gratification. I am not willing nor could I ever begin to develop any of the JW party line at any level, the strictness, the dim world view, etc. Nor will I ever turn over my independent thought to the intellectual dishonesty and ignorance demonstrated by so many of the people I have met from her KH.
I never would have married a JW because I at least had the foresight to know there would be problems. Once she started going back, I was proven powerless to do anything about it. My worst fears were realized, but I was able to give my kids a balanced perspective throughout. They are now 15 and 13. My son does not believe at all. He dismisses the entire thing out of hand without a second thought. My daughter believes that most of it is just ridiculous. I have no fears that they will fall back into the religion because I have provided balance from the beginning. While it may have confused them in their earlier years, I hope it will serve them well as adults. But all the fighting between my wife and myself has taken its toll on me emotionally and either I am too weak to try anymore, or I am too strong to put up with any more shit. I really cannot tell. It doesn't matter. It is done. At least the beginning of the end has started.
A business colleague of mine said that I am entering a long dark tunnel. The light behind me will eventually go out, and it will be completely dark and scary for a while. For how long, nobody knows. But eventually, I'll begin to see the light at the other end. It is a good analogy. I know the tunnel is there. I know I have to get through it. And I know I will.
GT
Globetrotter quick update
by Globetrotter 2 Replies latest jw friends
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Globetrotter
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FlyingHighNow
Hi and thank you for the update.
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MerryMagdalene
Best wishes, Globetrotter...
Do stick around. I think the folks here will be able to light a candle for you from time to time on your long (not too long, I hope) dark (but not hopelessly dark) journey to the other side. Good things await and you will be able to enjoy them, whatever pain and difficulty lies between here and there.
--Merry