I need some advice and some Bible passages and opinions mostly help.

by GreyFox 4 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  GreyFox

  I have a friend ,who is also studying to be a JW, who has feelings for me. We are both in highschool, she thinks about us being a couple, though she feels she is not ready for a relationship and does not want to be in one. We were bestfriends once, and I had feelings for her, but i agreed to stop having feelings for her by ignoring my feelings because they made her uncomfortable. We use to play around and wrestle, but because of other friends and people saying that we seem like a couple , she thought it best that we dont and I not have feelings for her and that we should not see or talk to each other as much so that i would lose my feelings for her and that she gets space because i would walk her to her classes and meet with her after school and talk with her often. So for a while we didnt see each other and i felt hurt, but later we worked things out, we could only be friends, not best friends, not talk to each other as much, not walk her or wait for her after classes. The reason she wanted this was so i would not have feelings for her and so she wouldnt think of me as her boyfriend, because often she said it seemed like we were a couple. So today she said that she had thoughts about us as a couple, and also had sexual thoughs about us. She felt really bad and because she feels that it is wrong to think of me as her boyfriend or have feelings for me, and because of the sexual thought. She was thinking that she should put more space between us cause she feels that having feelings for me and wanting us to be a couple is wrong.Yet i still have feelings for her, but choose not to feel them cause i agreed not to so that she wouldnt feel uncomfortable in our friendship. So is it wrong to have feelings (not sexual ones) for another and to want to be a couple? Is it wrong to be friends while having feelings for each other? Because of one thought, should a friend ship grow apart or end? What advice can you give on the subject of dating and our beliefs on it as Jehovahs Witnesses? If you ask for forgiveness for having a sexual thought, should you go on making yourself feel bad about it and beat yourself up about it? Could you please give me some Bible passages on the matter (Like refference to this in the Bible)? Could i please get opinions on this matter and possibly also get some advice and the opinion of an elder please? Any and all thoughts and opinions or anything would be very helpful

  Thank you for your time.

  All prayers for everything to go well is very much appreciated.
• 

  under74

  Hi and welcome Grey Fox. This forum is mainly full of ex-JWs, just in case you didn't know. I don't have any scriptures for you. What I can say is that NO you and your friend should not beat yourselves up because of sexual thoughts. It's perfectly natural. It's also important for you to know that your friend is in a very repressive religion. Some might even call it a cult. They have totally inhuman and impossible expectations. All I can say is that if you stick around this forum I'm sure you'll learn a lot about what your friend is going through and possibly some ways to talk to her. I think she probably needs some support.
  
  I hope the situation gets better for you.
• 

  rwagoner

  Hello and welcome,

  Even though I am a 40 year old "Old Fart" I can remember being a teenager growing up in the JW's and having feelings.

  under74 gave you some good advise - hang around here, read other peoples stories, ask lots of questions.

  One thing to remember about the JW's is the huge amount of guilt that they put on their members, especially young people growing into adults. They are told romantic and certainly sexual thoughts are wrong when in fact they are simply a natural part of growing up. Sometimes the guilt is so bad that people will go to the elders and basically turn themselves in for their "wrongdoing". My point is to try to be understanding and not push too much. Even without all of the pressure and issues of the JW's relationships can be alot of work, but all worth it if things work out.

  Good Luck,

  RandyW
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  Yet i still have feelings for her, but choose not to feel them cause i agreed not to

  Dude, that's impossible. You either have feelings for her or you don't, you can't just turn them on and off because you decide to. I'm not saying this person will be your final love and you'll spend eternity together, only that you can't "decide" not to have feelings for someone.

  What you've been told so far is correct, about religion in general, but particularly about JW's. It seems like the job of religion is to identify the things we are naturally inclined to do, and then forbid them. In some cases, that's good. Get angry, unleash it, and you wind up in jail -- or dead. Have sex with everyone that's willing to and you wind up pregnant -- or sick. So there's some benefit to being sensible.

  When my boy was young, we put locks on all the cabinets to keep him out of them. He couldn't understand that some things could hurt him and some thing couldn't. So we locked him out. But now he's old enough to know the dangers of drinking bleach, so there's no more locks. Religion is like that, it tries to lock people away to "protect" them, but in doing so it constricts very natural things that don't in themselves damage you. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is not in itself damaging, but it can lead to emotional attachment and unprotected sex, which can be.

  Of course, you can't approach your girlfriend from this angle. Help her -- gently, very gently -- to see that there are others ways of approaching God than via Jehovah's Witnesses. If you chase her off, you'll cry, but you'll live and be happier as a result. If you convince her to step away from that high control group, you'll be winning yourself a potential good friend for life.

  Please stick around and share more of your thoughts with us.

  Dave
• 

  Odrade

  I'm I correct to understand that both of you are studying to be JWs?

  It's good to have rules, and it's good to have older folks helping you out. But you need to remember that having feelings for a girl at your age is normal and natural. It's good to use commonsense to set some boundaries about how much time you two spend together, if you will be friends, or be going out, how far will kissing go, will you have sex, etc.

  What is not good is to make it seem like the feelings are somehow bad or wrong. It's not good for you to just pretend like the feelings don't exist. If you do that you are lying to yourself. If you can lie to yourself about feelings and love, what else might you lie to yourself about? Think about that next time you have your bible study and something seems like the explanation is a little off, or there is no explanation at all.

  I'm not sure what to tell you about the relationship. You will only be able to control your side of it. But the really important part is to be very honest, and talk to her. Don't pretend like it is not a big deal.

  I would also like to ask you to put aside the whole relationship issue for a few minutes a day, and do some serious study about the religion you are getting involved in. Find out everything you can about it, and not just from their sources. Use the internet, use books about bible history from "worldly" scholars, and talk to other religious leaders. If there are lots of JWs in your school, go to the school guidance counselors and talk to them about what they think of JWs not being able to participate in alot of normal activities (including dating:)) and being more or less discouraged to apply for universities, or anything more than short-term vocational programs.

  Then, make your decision about this religion with your head, not your heart. You should also show and tell your friend everything you are learning. Let her make an informed decision also. Who knows, maybe talking about this other huge thing going on in your lives (conversion to JWs) could help you decide what to do with the relationship too.

  Best wishes,

  Odrade