Phantom Pain....

by Sunchild 6 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Sunchild

  Hi, everyone. I know I've been away for awhile (yeah, like that many people would notice *g*), but for the most part, I've been working on a site redesign. If you're curious, you can see it at http://www.dreamsphere.net/ . And for anyone aware of the reasons I went on hiatus in the first place, don't worry: I'm not mad at anyone. Everyone is guilty of being human every once in awhile, and being mad at people takes up too much energy.

  Anyway... there's something that's been on my mind every now and then. What I've written below is also an entry in my Weblog, and I thought it might be relevant for this board.

  Phantom Pain....

  Now and then, in some strange way, I think I miss Christianity. I don't know if it's so much a desire to return to Christian beliefs (I think that train pulled out a long time ago) as a kind of phantom pain that's left from no longer having all the answers and having to find them on my own. But there's more to it, too, something beyond the mere absence of certainty.... It feels more like a longing for something that I can't quite name.

  On some level or another, I think I miss that sense of belonging. Yes, maybe that's what I'm trying to define. I can't change how I see things now without lying to myself, and I couldn't return to Christianity without undergoing a lot of strenuous mental gymnastics, trying to make the things I know mesh with the things I'd have to believe again. I would have to forget too many things, have to leave too much behind. But... at least I would fit in, at least in some respect. I've been a misfit all my life and gotten somewhat used to it. But deep down, in some strange way, some part of me still longs to be like everyone else, even if it's just an illusion.

  In my particular part of the world, "Christian" means "normal", "accepted," and "morally good." It means having ready-made friends in a way, and having a group to belong to. And if you're known for being a "good Christian," there's instant admiration, too, and people have a nice, convenient way to think of you in a positive light. Instant love, even if it's from a distance. If you're a good non-Christian, though, it doesn't seem to count as much since people don't have a way to define you.

  Has anyone else ever felt this way? Wishing every now and then that you could accept Christianity just for the sake of feeling less alone? It's an easy way out for someone like me, when you don't really know how to make friends but still want to feel loved by people.

  *Rochelle.

  ---------
  "Most men complacently accept 'knowledge' as 'truth'. They are sheep, ruled by fear."
  -- Sydney Losstarot, "Vagrant Story."
• 

  circe

  I understand the feelings you are having. Sometimes I feel the same way too. However, if I wanted to fit in with the Christian crowd where I live, I would have to become a Mormon.

  No way, no thank you, I'll pass, thanks for offering.

  circe
• 

  claudia

  Yes I often feel the same way, i love your website, i bookmarked it a while back. anyway, i feel as if i am destined to sit on a fence.
• 

  Seeker

  Hi Sunchild,

  I don't have the feeling of wishing to belong again, but I do feel the hatred of Christians, and there are times when I wish American right-wing Christians weren't so stupid and intolerant. There are times when it does feel lonely. But go back to that awful system that produces such awful persons? No thanks.
• 

  Introspection

  Wow, first let me say that's some great artwork on your site Rochelle, you're a really good artist.

  As for this desire to belong, I'd imagine we've all been there at some point. I guess I've come to see that as a superficial kind of belonging, though. I mean what good is being a part of something if you can't be who you are? Sure, if you want to change then you can, but if you do it to fit in it seems there would be something missing too. I think there are people out there who will treat you as a Christian is supposed to in that they really practice loving one's neighbor as yourself. I suppose the idea of Christianity has taken on a different meaning, but from this perspective those people are really the ones giving the religion a bad name. In Buddhism they say it's better to be a Buddha than a Buddhist, unfortunately most Christians don't believe you can be "a Christ", and some will even use that to rationalize not shooting for a standard that's too high. (how you can do that and be a follower of the guy is a mystery to me) In any case, I'd rather be around people who are more concerned with being a kind and loving individual than those who are caught up with religion. Unfortunately many seem to miss the point, and as nice as they are I find that something is missing in them. A local witness has called me recently, and I've gone out with a few of them to eat and hang out. But because they obviously still buy into everything they're taught, I feel kind of bad for them, and when I see that I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything at all. I think this would be the case with "generic" Christians too, even if they're very nice people I think I would feel that I can't connect with them on a certain level.

  "Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing the self is insight. Mastering others requires force. Mastering the self requires true strength." -Tao Te Ching, Chapter 33
• 

  Sunchild

  Circe: *g* Cute.

  Claudia, thanks for the compliment. :) And:
  

  i feel as if i am destined to sit on a fence.

  
  Hm. For me, it isn't so much that as feeling like I'll always be an outsider. An observer. Even if I'm in a group, I'm never really part of it.

  Seeker:
  

  There are times when it does feel lonely. But go back to that awful system that produces such awful persons? No thanks.

  
  Do you remember that scene from "The Matrix" where the guy who turns traitor is having dinner in a fancy place with the agents? The one where he talks about knowing that the juicy, delicious steak he's eating doesn't really exist, and how ignorance is bliss? That's part of the feeling I'm trying to describe. I don't think it's really that uncommon for people who have left a given belief system, even if the feeling only lasts for a moment and the option it presents is never seriously entertained.

  I know I can't go back to Christianity any more than you can, and whenever I see posts from people like our friend Rex, I remember why I don't even want to. But every now and then, in those moments when I feel a bit lonely, I just want to belong somewhere and not have to think so much. One of my moments of just being human.

  *Rochelle.

  ---------
  "Most men complacently accept 'knowledge' as 'truth'. They are sheep, ruled by fear."
  -- Sydney Losstarot, "Vagrant Story."
• 

  Quester

  Hugs to {{{Rochelle}}}

  I've missed your posts here.
  
  Wishing you belonging, a "home" where you can
  be yourself and be loved.

  I value and appreciate your uniqueness.

  Your website reveals a lot of creative talent.

  You have much to give to this world.

  So let your light shine!

  Here's one of my favorite inspiring quotes on being ourselves and
  giving that to the world...Quester.

  +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
  From Martha Graham to her student Agnes de Mille, which is
  recorded in de Mille's memoir, Dance to the Piper.

  There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated
  through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all
  time, the expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never
  exist through any other medium...and be lost. The world will not
  have it.

  It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable
  it is; nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your
  business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel
  open.

  You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have
  to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU. Keep
  the channel open...No artist is pleased...There is no satisfaction
  whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction;
  a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive.