How long can you be a non-person?

by 24k 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  24k

  To shed some light on the above question, I will need to give some backround. 3 years ago, I stopped serving as an elder in my local congregation. I have not regularly attended meetings for more than 2 years and I have not participated in the door to door work for about the same length of time. My family, including my wife, are all still devout members of the Watchtower. I do have several family members, including my brother and father, who are disfellowshipped.

  My reasons for doubting, and in essence leaving, the Watchtower are many. I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say that they are deeply felt, well researched, and sincere. I do not try to hinder my wife or other family members in performing what they feel to be their God assigned work (attending meetings, going in field service, etc). And I try to respect their feelings by not constantly bringing up objections to their faith and to the teachings of the Watchtower. I have even attended a few Sunday meetings in an effort to show appreciation for my wife's feelings. However, this effort is not reciprocated in any way. My feelings are not respected and no compromise is ever, or will ever, be made with me. No thought is given to the fact that my feelings are sincere, or that I have done any real research on these matters. When my wife and I discuss religious issues, she speaks to me as if I had never been a Witness and am unfamiliar with their teachings.

  I'm just wondering how long I can keep this up. How long can I continue to be a non-person, hiding my real feelings and never getting on with my life? I don't wish to play the role of the "weak witness" for the rest of my days. By the same token, I truly love my wife and her family and don't wish to alienate them by getting disfellowshipped. I guess there is no easy answer.

  Thanks for listening to my rant. I would appreciate your thoughts and comments, especially those of you in the same boat.
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  kls

  When my wife and I discuss religious issues, she speaks to me as if I had never been a Witness and am unfamiliar with their teachings.

  I can relate to that quote because that is what my husband does and it really ticks me off to say the least. I keep telling him i was there ,read the crap and i do know what the teachings are but yet he continues to belittle what i know,,,,,,,,,grrrr

  As far as you living in the shadows, no there is no easy answer and it has to be up to you how you want to live . Me ,i waited then could not take any more and told my husband i had enough and then went through hell for years. On the other hand you have family at stake so you are walking a fine line and the bottom line is it has to be your choice of living in the shadows or telling your family and face whatever the out come would be.
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  SixofNine

  It seems to me that you are far enough removed from the KH that there is no reason to still be playing the "weak witness" role. Either they will accept you as a non-believer, or they won't. You don't have to beat sense into them (which may be impossible anyway), but you do have to respect yourself and demand respect for yourself for your own mental health.
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  Sunspot

  I'm just wondering how long I can keep this up. How long can I continue to be a non-person, hiding my real feelings and never getting on with my life?

  24k,

  Unfortunately only you can answer this. It all depends on how strong you are and how much being treated like a leper will "get to you" in the long run. It's a nasty situation, and the WTS has carefully seen to it that anyone who doesn't follow the party line WILL be made to feel uncomfortable.

  There are so many variables in your life that you can't possibly list---but you know your wife and how she will react at the decisions you'll make, etc. You have to be prepared for whatever comes your way, but the at the same time, you'll have a great weight removed from your shoulders when you finally step out into the sunshine of freedom from a Cult.

  Take care,

  hugs,

  Annie
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  XBEHERE

  This is sadly what I probably have to look forward to. We should chat sometime.... I would love to hear your insights on leaving as you did.

  Best wishes to you.
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  24k

  Thank you all for your kind words. Sometimes I think that being in this state of limbo, out of the Watchtower mentally but not openly, makes matters worse. Instead of seeing a person move on to a good and healthy life outside of the Organization, they see a spiritually weak person barely making any meetings, not studying (at least Watchtower material), and not preaching to others. They see the seeming selfishness of a man who won't attend meetings with his wife and children. They see the constant family tension brought on by deep spiritual disagreements. They see everything but the man they used to know, because that man cannot tell them why he feels the way he does and why he can no longer do the things mentioned above in good conscience. The most frustrating part is that they don't seem to want to know. Not one elder that I served with on the local body has ever sat down or invited me to sit down to discuss how I feel. Maybe no one ever will.

  That's why I think it's probably time to close this chapter on my life and move on. Maybe then, I will be able to say with my life what I am unable to say with my lips.

  I just re-read what I wrote, WHAT A RANT!! Sorry. I'll try to be more coherent in the future.

  XBEHERE: I'd love to chat some time. Just let me know when and where.

  Thanks so much guys :-)
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  Doubtfully Yours

  I understand you, but only a little bit.

  I havent' stood up to the 'faith' just yet because that would soon get me disowned by my family, plus my marriage would for sure fail.

  I lead a double life, viewed as 'spiritually weak' by most, and that's just like being a non-person within the group. It's awful sometimes.

  Sorry about your ordeal.

  DY
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  Not one elder that I served with on the local body has ever sat down or invited me to sit down to discuss how I feel. Maybe no one ever will.

  Such discussions, as you've already seen with your wife, are conducted from the standpoint of, "Let's see if we can help 24k see why he's wrong." On any other topic, people are willing to sit down and discuss things, see your side, perhaps even come around to your way of thinking if you raise good points. But to a JW, they've already reached absolute-zero in terms of doubt. Anything that doesn't agree with them MUST be wrong, and it's just a matter of you being too stubborn to admit it, too blind to see it, or too selfish to allow it.

  There was an article on freeminds about a guy that family-studied his family out of the organization. He used the family-study arrangement to plant seeds of doubt in his family in the form of "what if a person you met in the ministry asked you, '[some unanswerable question about the Watchtower]'? How would you respond?" Let me try to find that article for you...

  Yeah, here it is: http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm