Have you had this happen to you?

by Andyman 5 Replies latest jw friends

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  Andyman

  As a JW I remember being told that we never really did enough. It was always "you can do more, more, more. It didn't matter how hard you tried, it just never seemed like we did enough for the "congregation" or the "society.

  I remember all the talks about what would happen if you left the "oganization". How your life would be miserable, you would be like the dog returning to your own vomit, etc.

  How long does this last? It doens't seem to bother me any longer, but my wife has a very hard time with this. Every time things start to get better it is like a little voice inside her tells her "NO, NO, this can't be, you can't get better because the society told you for over 15 years you would be miserable"! Has this happened to anyone else?

  My wife is the most loving person on earth, at least I think so. She wouldn't hurt a fly, and when all here so called "friends" dumped on her it really hurt. This was the only family she had for years. They told her that, they made sure that she stayed away from "worldly" relatives, and only associated with JW's. Her own fleshly brothers kept here away from her fleshly family. They told her what to do and who to associate with. Since they were elders she followed and did what they told her.

  Now after over 3 years not going to meetings, she still doesn't trust anyone in the world. She wants to make friends, but when the time comes where she might be able to make a new friend, she somehow finds a reason to avoid it. She hates what the society did to her, but can't get the brainwashing out of her mind. For me it only took a couple of years to get the whole society out of my system. For her it is like she is punishing herself for leaving. She knows the society has lied to us, tried to run our lives, etc., but it is like since they told her how miserable she would be, she makes sure that that is going to happen.

  Has, or is anyone out there gone or is going through this kind of a thing? It is hard for me to talk with her because of being her husband, and she doesn't trust anyone else to talk to them.

  I would appreciate any help you may be able to give.

  Thanks.

  Andyman:
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  Pathofthorns

  I don't think your situation is all that unique. As far as the "treadmill" of "never doing enough", I refered to that when I wrote my DA letter (that never was sent.)

  Everyone always wants to “do more.” The simple fact is that people will never be able to do enough.

  Once you realize that, its much easier to get off the ride.

  If your wife realizes that its not the "truth", then I doubt she's trying to be some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. More likely she still sees non-JW's as poor associates and people that she has little in common with, at least on a social level.

  I would think this is more common with people who have been in the "truth" their whole lives, as opposed to those who learned it later in life. Also,those who might not spend much time with non-JW's might find it harder as well.

  I think I'm to some degree like your wife. I have lots of "witness" friends who share my thoughts, so it works out ok. On a business level I get along fine with non-JW's. On a social level I have very little interest in joining them in night clubs and strip clubs (things people my age do).

  Bottom line is though, I really have no suggestions. The only thing I can think of is to perhaps start with her worldly relatives and try branching out from there. Try to see the good in people, and respect that they are entitled to live and think differently that you might.

  This whole thing just goes to show just how deeply "the implants" from the Society go.

  Path
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  Andyman

  Thanks for the response Path;

  Yes you are right, the "implants" are deep!

  I think the hardes thing for her is that fact that her brothers are both still deep into the JW belief system. As elders they have nothing to worry about. They do pretty much as they wish, even if it isn't ver "christian"!

  I really don't know how to handle the problem since we live in a small community. It is hard to find anyone who has been where we have, and left the organization. We are a rare breed around here. Those who have left and walked away are no longer around. Those who have doubts are afraid to voice them. They have seen what happens when they do. I am hoping that what my wife is going through is just a minor set back and that it will go away someday, at least I pray everyday that this is the case.

  I am trying to get her to go online to talk with others who have been through what we are going through, but I don't know when it will happen.

  I guess the big cure all is time, but it can get very frustrating in the mean time.

  Thanks again for your response.

  Andyman:
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  Pathofthorns

  I think that would be a great stepping stone. Talking on icq or something. We all need some support and friends who might not necessarily see things exactly like us, but that won't hate us for thinking the way we do.

  Path
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  RedhorseWoman

  Andyman, three years is hardly any time at all. I will say that being on the Internet and relating to people on the DB's and through e-mail has been one of the best things I have ever done.

  I was in for 30 years, and have been basically inactive for 15. I can't honestly say that I'm totally over it yet. I was so ingrained with the idea of "keeping clean from the world" that I got into the habit of isolating myself.

  Although I HAVE made some friends, it's very difficult, and I really have no idea of how to go about it. I've found that it's easier to start branching out with those who have shared my experiences.

  If your wife feels she would like to, please have her e-mail me. The address is in my profile.
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  waiting

  Hey Andyman,

  It's harder in a small community to make new friends. Our city is small by city standards. I don't have friends outside cong. either- was a jw for 30 yrs., stopped attending meetings 4 mos. ago. But I have my husband, like your wife has you. That is a tremendous help.

  Do you invite people to your house for dinner, cards, etc? Go to movies? Do you have friends you can do this with? Maybe you can be her crutch for a while - start the game. Join some kind of club, cars, sports, gardening, etc. It helps. Even if it's something predominately male, wives tend to get to know each other. Taking a class, either alone or together, helps to get to know people.

  I know, through our business and recreation, a lot of different people I can associate with - if I choose. But I have to make that crossover decision - them being "worldly people". The negative conditioning goes deep.

  People can live self-fulfilled prophecies in their lives. Look at people who don't think they're good enough to achieve (parents, peer, society conditioning) - they usually don't achieve. I think women are more susceptable to that conditioning than men - especially women in the truth, especially women raised in the truth. There's not a lot of value put upon us as persons.
  The conditioning is in place by the Society that we will fail if we leave the Society. The longer the conditioning and the more susceptable the person to that conditioning - the harder to break.

  You are your wife's greatest asset in helping if you choose to be. Good place to be, huh?

  waiting