... but I found this hilarious!
http://www.postfun.com/pfp/tongues/control.html
Dear Belinda : At the risk of sounding vain, I am considered very attractive, but I don't think that I have the inner-beauty and peace that I would like or that would be pleasing to the Lord. I've tried everything from full-body immersion baptisms to yoga. I think some of my friends are starting to think I am shallow. Any suggestions to make me complete? Striving in Syracuse
Dear Striving: So, you have Outer-Beauty, but no Inner-Beauty? Well, 9 out of 10 is never bad, especially when you are before a criminal jury. The lovely thing about Inner-Beauty is that it takes people much longer to realize you don't have any. Trust me. Time is therefore on your side. If you don't dawdle, before your acquaintances reach the cusp of the realization that God has placed you on this planet merely for ornamental purposes, you may be able to finesse an approximation of inner-peace that they will find plausible. May I suggest you use my very own 10 Steps to Inner-Peace as a guide (liberally altering items to suit your whim, budget and attention span): 1. Read a good book - like the Neiman-Marcus catalog. Or, if pressed for time, read a really descriptive menu. 2. Instead of a soggy, coif-destroying baptism in water of questionable content (I wouldn't share an airplane cabin with most of those people), may I suggest a full-body baptism in paraffin or herbal clays, preferably in Italy administered by a man who has the most embarrassing trouble staying in his Spa tunic. (Note for additional inner-peace: never quite get around to pointing this out to him). 3. Use spare cocktail napkins to finally finish that more "peppy" translation of Proust's Remembrance of Things Past, working in that new dishy chapter about the night in September of 1997 when Queen Elizabeth II was doing shots at the Hemingway Bar at the Ritz Hotel in Paris with a chauffeur called Henri and said to him, "All 12 rounds are on us, love. What do you mean you aren't going to do another shot of tequila? Come on, are you some sort of nancy-boy? Going to let an old queen drink you under the table? That's better, love! Oh, we think we just saw Diana, you better run along and drive!" 4. Call someone you haven't spoken to in years and are awkwardly estranged from just to say, "I know you never knew anything about it, but I wanted to say I'm sorry about sleeping with most of your husbands. There, I feel much better. Isn't honesty so cathartic? So glad we're talking again. Have a lovely day." 5. Tour Wisconsin with "Up with People" until the closeted conductor/chaperone traces the mildly inconvenient sexually transmitted malady that debilitates the curious altos and the cuter baritones to you and you are asked, once again, to leave the tour before getting to play Madison. 6. Have Donna Karan design a series of understated saris suitable for administering to the sad people of the streets of Calcutta during a stopover long weekend on your way to the Four Seasons in Bali to take your mind off those unfortunate souls who don't realize that room service should never close. 7. Draw up a list of assorted people who have failed to sufficiently acknowledge you at parties over the last ten years. Invite them over for a very special dinner to finally determine exactly which meats are safe to serve raw. 8. Go back to Australia, Romania and Brazil to conduct yet another "sampling" in your study "Who are the Most Passionate Twenty-Year-Olds in the World?" just to triple-check the accuracy of the results. 9. Make a list of all the people you are encouraged to stone to death in the Old Testament, remembering that actions speak louder than words. 10. Order stones and have them delivered. If none of the above seems to give you the inner-beauty that will withstand the scrutiny of your acquaintances, may I suggest that you look for less intrusive friends? True beauty is, after all, only skin deep, which should be good enough for anyone, as, indeed, few men ever see the need to venture any further anyway. You asked for it, Belinda You may write to Belinda at [email protected] with your questions and comments