The Atheist's Book of Bible Stories - Ch. 11

RunningMan

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
“And me, I’m walking down memory lane,
without a ding-dong thing on my mind.” - Gonzo the Great
I have opened this chapter with a quotation from that memorable Muppet character, Gonzo the Great. The Bible has a lot in common with the Muppets. Both are humorous, entertaining, and by no means capable of being taken seriously.
This chapter deals with some memorable memory lapses. Have you ever experienced a memory lapse? Maybe, you have seen an actor on TV that looked familiar, but could not remember where you had seen him. Or maybe you are introduced to a room full of people, and, by the time you are working your way around the room for the second time, some of the names had slipped away.
If you have experienced this, don’t worry. You are in good company - the best, in fact. The Bible contains several examples of where Bible characters and even God himself had memory lapses.
The Name GameGod had a very high opinion of Jacob. He liked Jacob so much, that He decided to make Jacob the founder of an entire nation. Unfortunately, you can’t call a country “Jacob”. All the other countries would laugh at it. So, God changed his name to “Israel”. That way the maps wouldn’t have to change. I suppose that God would have the same problem with me, if he wanted me to found a nation. You couldn’t very well have a country named “Fred”.
At any rate, the point here is that God changed Jacob’s name to Israel:

“Then he said, ‘Your name shall no more be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.’ Then Jacob asked him, ‘Tell me, I pray, your name.’ But he said, ‘Why is it that you ask my name?’ And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the name of the place Peni'el, saying, ‘For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life is preserved.’ - Genesis 32:28-30
So, from that point on, Jacob would be called Israel. Unfortunately, this name change didn’t seem to take, because the Bible, and all his friends, still called him Jacob. So, God had to change his name again:
“God appeared to Jacob again, when he came from Paddan-aram, and blessed him. And God said to him, ‘Your name is Jacob; no longer shall your name be called Jacob, but Israel shall be your name.’ So his name was called Israel.” - Genesis 35:9,10
So, God changed his name for the second time. You may also notice that this is at least the third time that he received a blessing. This was an ancient form of “getting lucky.”
But, once again, the name change didn’t seem to take. Possibly, God had neglected some of the paper work. The Bible continued to call him Jacob:
“And God spoke to Israel in visions of the night, and said, ‘Jacob, Jacob.’ And he said, ‘Here am I.’” - Genesis 46:2
You will notice that God’s words are here placed in quotation marks, indicating that these were his exact words. I can understand Jacob’s wife forgetting his new name on occasion, but you would think that God, being infallible and all, would get this right sooner or later. Maybe he needed to change Jacob’s name a third time.
There is something else interesting about the above quotation. Notice that the Bible writer got the name right, but God didn’t.
Davey and Goliath
It’s not surprising that God found it necessary to replace King Saul. Apparently his mind was shot. For example, let’s take a look at the events surrounding the killing of Goliath. The story begins with Saul looking for an assistant, someone who was a good killer and could also play a musical instrument:
“So Saul said to his servants, ‘Provide for me a man who can play well, and bring him to me.’ One of the young men answered, ‘Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence; and the LORD is with him.’ Therefore Saul sent messengers to Jesse, and said, ‘Send me David your son, who is with the sheep.’ And Jesse took an ass laden with bread, and a skin of wine and a kid, and sent them by David his son to Saul. And David came to Saul, and entered his service. And Saul loved him greatly, and he became his armor-bearer. And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, ‘Let David remain in my service, for he has found favor in my sight.’" - 1 Samuel 16:17-22
So, here we establish a few facts:
1. Saul and his servants knew of David. Saul knew David well enough to come to love him greatly.
2. Both Saul and his servants knew that David was the son of Jesse. Saul sent at least two messages to Jesse.
3. David knew his way around armor. He was described as a “man of war”, and a “man of valor”, and he became Saul’s armor bearer.
At this point, Saul’s memory starts to fade, as you can see in the following exchange:
“And Saul said to David, ‘You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him; for you are but a youth, and he has been a man of war from his youth.’" - 1 Samuel 17:33
So, here Saul seemed to forget that David was a valiant man of war. There must be something in the water, because, a few verses later, David’s memory starts to go, too.
“Then Saul clothed David with his armor; he put a helmet of bronze on his head, and clothed him with a coat of mail. And David girded his sword over his armor, and he tried in vain to go, for he was not used to them. Then David said to Saul, ‘I cannot go with these; for I am not used to them.’ And David put them off.” - 1 Samuel 17:38, 39
Now David appears to have forgotten how to use armor, even though he is a valiant man of war, and has had the job of handling Saul’s armor. The comedy reaches its climax after David returns from killing Goliath.
“And the Israelites came back from chasing the Philistines, and they plundered their camp. And David took the head of the Philistine and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armor in his tent. When Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said to Abner, the commander of the army, ‘Abner, whose son is this youth?’ And Abner said, ‘As your soul lives, O king, I cannot tell.’ And the king said, ‘Inquire whose son the stripling is.’" - 1 Samuel 17:53-56
By this time, Saul is in serious need of some medical help. Earlier in the day, he loved David greatly. Now he doesn’t even know David’s name. He has also forgotten the name of David’s father, even though he has sent messages to Jesse on at least two occasions. Unfortunately, the condition appears to be contagious. Saul’s servants have also forgotten David’s identity.
I could just picture the scene when David returned from the battle:
Saul: “What did you say your name was, boy?”
David: “It’s David. Don’t you remember? I work for you.”
Saul: “David?”
David: “Yes, we talked, like, 15 minutes ago. You gave me your armor.”
Saul: “David? Sorry doesn’t ring a bell.”
But, then again, it seems that just about everyone forgot about David. In 2 Samuel, a passing reference is made to Goliath, and this time his death is attributed to Elhanan.
“And there was again war with the Philistines at Gob; and Elha'nan the son of Ja'areor'egim, the Bethlehemite, slew Goliath the Gittite, the shaft of whose spear was like a weaver's beam.” - 2 Samuel 21:19
So, history attributed the slaying of Goliath to someone else entirely. The only way to reconcile this discrepancy would be to postulate the existence of some other Goliath. Maybe, there were two people named Goliath the Gittite of Gath who were giants and had spears like weaver’s beams and were killed in battle by Israelites. That’s not too hard to believe, is it? Actually, it’s easier to believe than what comes next.
I Said What?
In the book of Jeremiah, God has another memory lapse:
“Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel: "Add your burnt offerings to your sacrifices, and eat the flesh. For in the day that I brought them out of the land of Egypt, I did not speak to your fathers or command them concerning burnt offerings and sacrifices.” - Jeremiah 7:26, 27
Excuse me, God, but do you remember that book you wrote? You know, the one with all the killing. Well, it was pretty much full of sacrifices and burnt offerings. In fact, the carnage began with the sacrifice of Abel’s sheep, just after the Garden of Eden business. Solomon killed on a spectacular scale, murdering 142,000 animals during one festival alone. Are we to believe that this is the first you have heard of it?
Apparently, God forgot that he had indeed ordered exactly what he denied in Jeremiah. In the above reference, God said that he did not speak to the Israelites concerning burnt offerings and sacrifices when he brought them out of Egypt. Well, that just isn’t true. He did speak to them on that occasion as recorded in Dueteronomy:
“You shall be careful to do all the statutes and the ordinances which I set before you this day. These are the statutes and ordinances which you shall be careful to do in the land which the LORD, the God of your fathers, has given you to possess, all the days that you live upon the earth.” - Dueteronomy 11:32 - 21:1.
“But the holy things which are due from you, and your votive offerings, you shall take, and you shall go to the place which the LORD will choose, and offer your burnt offerings, the flesh and the blood, on the altar of the LORD your God; the blood of your sacrifices shall be poured out on the altar of the LORD your God, but the flesh you may eat.” - Dueteronomy 12:26,27
So, God has blatantly denied doing something that his inspired word, written by himself, specifically recorded.
We will now use this situation to prove that God is truly miraculous. Here we are faced with a quandary and we must make a choice. The first option is that God may be mistaken, but that is not possible. The second option is that God is not mistaken, whereby he would be deliberately lying. Unfortunately, that is not possible, either. Since the only two possible options are both impossible, then we have just witnessed a miracle. Remember, you saw it here first. Can I be nominated for sainthood because of this?

I really loved "My Book of Bible Stories" when I was a child. The pictures were so vivid and captivating. Remember the picture of lots wife as a pillar of salt while fire rains down and Lot and kids run away? I think pictures like those would go nicely with your book. Some beautiful illistrations of buckets of foreskins and such would really add a nice dimension.

peacefulpete

It is of interest to some to know that among the Dead Sea Scrolls 3 (as I remember) forms of 1 Samuel appear. The Goliath story is a good example of where theses versiand differed. The Masoretes apparently attempted to seam together the various legends creating the strange reading you rightly shared with us. Also in the dead sea scrolls Goliath was only 4 cubits and a span or about 6 ft 9". He grew about 3 feet through the centuries till he reached 6 cubits and a span in the Masoretic text. Jeremiah like others felt uncomfortable with the past cult of Yahwah and it's obvious parallels with other Palestinians cults and therefore pretended his attempts at reforms were in fact a restablishing of the ancient practice.

Here is a funny one you might use your talents on:not to be outdone

TheOldHippie

RunningMan, your writing is so funny! Of course, if I should play the "serious-looking theologian" role, I would say there are solutions to most of your points, some of them are a bit "too light" etc., but that does not change the fact thay your comments are very funny and indeed appreciated by this old Bible-believer!

RunningMan

Thanks for the tip, Pete. I have added this to my list of ideas for future articles. That was an obvious case of one-upmanship. I can just picture a circle of ancient patriarchs, counting on their fingers to try and come up with the biggest number in the world, and finally settling on 30. John Lovitz' compulsive liar character would have been perfect.

Oldhippie, yes I agree that some of the items are a bit light. However, some of them (like the outrageous contents of the temple) are iron-clad. And from my post-JW world view, all you need is one verifiable error in God's inerrant word to invalidate the claim of divine authorship. And, there are lots of them. Even the lighter ones are serious enough to have been debated, and I believe won, by actual real scholars. Most of the items that I comment on can be found in Asimov's Guide to the Bible. Others have been successfully defended by Farrell Till at the Skeptical Review.

Many of the items in this article can be explained by translation errors. However, I was brought up on the idea of midieval monks painstakingly counting every letter, so that we could be sure that the Bible we have is perfect. And, if God is truly almighty, it should be pretty easy for him to ensure that his word is kept pure. If it is not pure (error free - even translation errors), then he is not almighty and I rest my case.

IC

The Atheist's Book of Bible Stories - Ch. 11 - Thanks for the Memories

RunningMan

tdogg

peacefulpete

TheOldHippie

RunningMan

stillajwexelder

Legolas

ICBehindtheCurtain

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