British Xenophobes' Guide to the USA
Recent intelligence from Spanish agent "Columbus" has indicated that the hoped-for express sailing route between Britain and the tea plantations of Ceylon and India is blocked by a large land mass going under the name "The United States of America." The following advisory for European travellers was originally compiled by the British Secret Service, but the recent glasnost in Eastern Europe has made accessible far more comprehensive and accurate archives from the Russian Committee for State Security.
General overview: The USA is a large country with a complex economic situation, variable climate and a economically backwards country on its southern border. In these respects it is very similar to Canada. It is the world's sole remaining superpower, which means that it is allowed to drop bombs on any country which doesn't have nuclear weapons or a positive balance of trade with the USA. Fortunately this restricts its military activities to the Middle East and around half of Yugoslavia. It is very much a modern, fast-paced nation, having the distinction of making more mistakes in the past 100 years than many nations have made in the past 1000.
The People: The INS shows a US population of 254 million people, which corresponds to an actual population of around 300 million. The official language is English, not that you'd know it to talk to many citizens, with Spanish making a strong showing. Communism is illegal, as is poverty. Common hobbies include drive-by shooting, drinking freezing cold fizzy piss and watching TV. The main religions of the USA are Protestantism, Catholicism, Judaism and Consumerism.
Safety: The United States has never been invaded by a foreign power, unless you count Canada's sacking of Washington DC in 1812 but that was probably just on grounds of aesthetic offense at the buildings. There have been recent calls for them to return and finish the job. America, on the other hand, endured the Vikings, Spanish, French, English and many citizens are convinced that the United Nations is planning the next invasion in conjunction with little green men. The tourist is generally safe even in major cities as long as he takes the proper precautions i.e. not going outside his hotel room, buying a shotgun and barricading the door.
Turning on the TV is generally regarded to be the most hazardous activity for the foreign visitor, particularly if "Melrose Place" or "Seinfeld" are showing.
History: None.
Government: There are three branches of American government. These are the executive, the judiciary and Congress. The role of the executive is to create sex scandals, the role of Congress is to pontificate about these scandals, and the role of the judiciary is to throw anyone involved in these scandals into jail.
Congressmen and women are elected in a rolling system which ensures that there's pretty much always electioneering going on on TV. The president is elected every 4 years and may only be reelected once. This is to ensure that he can do what he damn well pleases in his second term.
There is a strong tradition of lobbying and campaign funding in American politics. In most countries this would be termed bribery, but it oils the wheels of the legislature in the USA and so must be a good thing. There is a move to change the current rule of appointing senators by state to appointing them by lobby group.
The American political system incorporates "checks and balances" whereby the Congress vetoes what the President proposes, and the President vetoes what the Congress proposes. As a result, virtually all the necessary political votes are passed through Congress in the week before Congress goes home to campaign for the next elections.
Culture: None. Well, there is a strong showing in the science-fiction TV industry, reflecting many Americans' desire to forget about just how bad the present day is. America is very much an immigrant society, and the test of good citizenship is to see how fast you forget about your old culture. America is the source of much of the world's cinema, at least in terms of quantity. This may explain a lot.
Notable American authors include Walt Whitman and John Steinbeck, who are dead, and Jackie Collins and Tom Clancy, who are unfortunately still alive. The American comedy scene has been famed for its subtlety. Specifically, it is famous for being very unsubtle indeed. However this appears to be changing with the emergence of "South Park" and "Ally McBeal" which at least produce weird humour rather than the head-thumpingly obvious laughs of conventional comedians such as Ronald "I don't recall" Reagan and Pat "Fascist" Buchanan.
Cuisine: Gourmand rather than gourmet. Speciality foods include Mexican, fast food and steaks. American fast food is distinct from European fast food, in that although equally vile it is at least served very quickly. The three specialities have combined to reach their peak in the "Steak Taco" combo meal available at the fast food Mexican restaurant "Taco Bell." Obesity is a widespread problem in the USA, though deaths from heart disease are significantly lower than in the UK. There are other dangers from being 300 or 400 pounds in weight: getting fallen arches, getting stuck in doorframes, getting harpooned... When walking in American cities one can find one's path being significantly deflected by the gravitational fields from large passers-by.
Vegetarians are advised to stick to the West Coast. Any Southern chef asked if he serves vegetarian food is likely to produce a 3-pound steak on the grounds that the cow never ate meat in its life. Posh American restaurants like to use French terms such as "sommelier" for the wine waiter. This could be regarded as pretentiousness. Practically all restaurants refer to the main courses as "entrees", usually missing out the accent, and in any case getting the meaning completely wrong. This could be regarded as pig ignorance. If they were really trying to be French, the waiting staff would be breathtakingly rude; this is very rare outside Manhattan.
Economy: Diversified, with a very strong showing in the defence industry sector. American military hardware is generally reckoned to be the best in the world, and is a major export. The biggest export customer in the period 1990-1994 was Iraq, though most of the exports delivered were not paid for, and not even ordered by Iraq.
Other exports include McDonald's and Burger King (officially classed as "food", though one has to wonder), Ford "cars", Budweiser "beer" and the Microsoft Windows "operating system". There is general agreement that the USA gets the best of the trade deal.
The constitution of the US prohibits anyone from questioning the existence or size of the national debt. This makes planning the budget much, much easier. There is the odd hiccup such as the $500 billion bailout of the savings and loan industry, but in general the economy runs pretty smoothly.
Sport: Chief sports are American football, which is like rugby but with more ad breaks and padding, and baseball, which despite its many failings is more interesting than cricket. Unlike most European sports, people seem to go to the stadiums to enjoy themselves and watch the game; rioting is strictly an amateur sport and usually confined to sophisticated verbal heckling of the players ("you SUCK!") Heaven only knows why the Americans refuse to use the one word which has common meaning across pretty much every language, but they call football 'soccer' nonetheless. It is played at professional level but generally rather badly. Schools do not tend to teach it in sports lessons as it is hard to make much money from it. The USA hosts the World Series for baseball, in which only American teams seem to play. Consequently they manage to win it most years, though Canada has shown a recent tendancy to give the USA a run for its money.
Defence: Limited militarily by the fact that most of the US armed forces are abroad at any time, but fortunately the state of Florida alone has more firepower from its citizens' arms than most nations' armies. The chief difficulty in owning and using a rocket-propelled grenade launcher, for instance, is that it might set something on fire in a "Smokeless Zone."
Offence: Around eight aircraft carrier battle groups deployed around the world; an airforce with the most advanced fighters, bombers and attack aircraft; numerous ballistic missile and hunter-killer submarines; a core unit of MX ICBMS capable of landing within Moscow Dynamo's football stadium; an volunteer army equipped with some of the best tanks and attack helicopters in the world; and the US Marines, who make their living climbing over barbed wire and running at machine gun nests, but who are effective soldiers nonetheless. The only reason that America is not ruling the world is that Congress would spend too long bickering about which state's battalion would get to march into Montreal first.
Public holidays: Thanksgiving, celebrating the arrival of the first settlers and their peaceful meals with the resident Indians; Columbus Day, celebrating the arrival of Columbus and the Spanish (who did a good job of wiping out the Indians); Christmas, celebrating consumerism, and Independence Day, celebrating the expulsion of the British and the wiping out of an intergalactic alien invasion force.
Education: Variable. Most Americans are reasonably good on the history of the country, primarily because there's little to learn. Geographical knowledge is quite good but rapidly becomes hazy north of Denver, east of New York city, south of Mississippi or west of 'Frisco. Education to degree level is quite expensive, necessitating most students to take jobs and spent 5-6 years completing a degree with less content than a 3-year degree in France, Germany or Britain. Many of America's world-beating scientists are first-generation immigrants, principally because America actually rewards talent. This poses a certain attraction for, for instance, any British academic who's ever had to grapple with a funding authority. Andrew "Take That, Fermat!" Wiles was a recent export from the UK. When giving an American a description of where you live in Europe, use London or Paris as a baseline; they're the only two cities known.
Religion: America is in general a religious society and religions are taken seriously. "Pagan" is a religion recognised by the US Army, as an example. Religion is roughly linked to geography, with everything that you can imagine and quite a bit that you can't on the West Coast, large Catholic and Jewish communities on the East Coast, and the further south you go the more vocal, Republican and extreme the Christianity. Popular Southern hymns include "God Bless Jimmy Swaggart", "Shoot All The Gays And Nail Them To A Wall" and "All Hail To Olly North." There is rumour that Alabama is to declare an official hunting season for doctors who perform abortions.
Official statistics suggest that incarcerating all TV religious pundits on Alcatraz would result in a 70% increase in tolerance, sweetness and light across the county.
Foreign Relations: Britain is commonly regarded as a close cousin, mainly because the Brits at least attempt to speak American and don't mind hosting large quantities of US military hardware now and again. Relations with Central America are a little cool as the USA has invaded most of the countries there at one time or another, most within the last 50 years. There are strong economic ties with Columbia, though these imports do not tend to show up on official economic statistics.
After winning World War II against Germany and Japan, the US seems to have slipped somewhat in the trade war. Several authors have speculated about military operations against Japan, though given that most of the integrated circuits in US military equipment are manufactured in that country the US military may discover unexpected features in their hardware if they ever try out this strategy.
It is generally recognised that pissing off the US is a good way to get a cruise missile through your bedroom window a week later, so anti-US terrorism is generally out for any homeowners not contemplating radical redecoration of their upstairs.
Conclusion: America is the only country in the world whose constitution guarantees the citizen the right to have fun -- "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." This is a right many other countries could learn from. It must be the easiest country in the world in which to satisfy the ambition "live fast, die young, have a good-looking corpse."
Posted by Englishman.