All we leave behind

by wanderlustguy 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  wanderlustguy

  Sometimes I think about my path behind me. The things I used to like, even my home I grew up in. Now just the thought of going back there gives me chills, I'm there for 2-3 days and it's time to GO! I know there have to be others that are on the path with me, since so much of who we were was wrapped up in untruth and deception, surely I'm not the only person feeling like I am today.

  Do I think I'm better than the people I grew up with and was raised by? I don't think so. But sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I don't love the things those who I grew up with and or love do. It seems when I talk to them (small town) they don't even think about the fact that one day they will be old, they will need to have their life in order if they hope to enjoy life all the way to the end, and live each day like they are going to live forever, no thoughts to intellectual or professional progress. Not just talking about Dubs, but seemingly everyone I know from more than 3-4 years ago.

  Then again, it's not my place to say someone else is wrong with their view, but I've seen people that are where I want to be, whether we want to talk about finances or state of mind, and they are nothing like what I was, but more like what I see myself becoming. Granted there are bits and pieces I don't want, but I guess I'm talking about who we surround ourselves with. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't want to surround myself with the things I left behind so long ago when I moved away from my home area, and maybe it makes those people, who I do care about, think I feel I'm too good for them or something. The truth is I just can't stand to be involved enough with their lives to watch them make decisions I know will hurt them, and all I have seen in my travels tells me I would never be happy back in the life I once knew.

  I miss the feeling of being home, I've been traveling for over 6 years now, home is what I miss, but not the home I left. I miss the feeling of being home, the content feeling that you are where you belong. Sometimes I think I'll never find it again, because what that once was is now a hurtful thing to me. So I guess the journey continues, the long road...home.

  WLG
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  ButtLight

  I felt like that also, and did move back "home"! But its just not the same anymore, it doesnt feel right.
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  damselfly

  (((((wlg)))))

  I too am searching for 'home'. I get the odd feeling of 'home' but am looking forward to the day when that feeling stays.

  Peace on your journey.

  Damselfly
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  Bryan

  wanderlustguy,

  I know what you mean. having been abducted by my father at age 2 leaves me even more without a past. I hate what I was (jw) I don't want to even think about it. Therefore I have almost no fond memories of childhood. I don't have old friends to visit and talk about old times. I don't have my daughter to hold... Isn't the Mighty Tower a wonderful organization! NOT!

  Bryan

  Have You Seen My Mother
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  schne_belly

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  wanderlustguy

  I don't have old friends to visit and talk about old times.

  
  If I wasn't so disgusted by what I used to be, maybe I wouldn;t mind talking about old times, and they are still the same for the most part, so it makes me sad to see them now.

  Thinking back on decisions I've made and things I've done, I literally cringe with disgust. Even had a girlfriend say something to me one time when I thought about something in my past and my face twisted up as I got angry with myself. But I couldn't really explain it to her, not then.

  I keep thinking about where I want to be, and I can see it in my mind, even the path to get there, but still there is the fear of it being just a dream. I want so badly to share everything with someone, but know I can't do that until I can be complete on my own. We've all made so many things happen because of our determination, and the intellectual side of me knows anything I want is within reach. But the insecure emotional side wonders if I am a good enough person to have what I really want, if I will ever again love someone with all of me, with them returning it, because no matter how good things are, they are never what they could be if you could truly share them with a kindred spirit. WLG
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  joannadandy

  I want so badly to share everything with someone, but know I can't do that until I can be complete on my own.

  A very wise idea - one most people never realize. Things will be much better for you and your future partner if you are able to have that "completeness" on your own. You can't find your kindred spirit if you don't know your own spirit. It's not an easy thing to figure out. It takes time. You do a lot of self-reflection so I have no worries that eventually you'll be able to put it together.

  We've all made so many things happen because of our determination, and the intellectual side of me knows anything I want is within reach. But the insecure emotional side wonders if I am a good enough person to have what I really want, if I will ever again love someone with all of me, with them returning it, because no matter how good things are, they are never what they could be if you could truly share them with a kindred spirit.

  You will eventually - I have no doubts of that.

  But nothing hurts as bad as figuring out you were alone the whole time you thought you were truly home.

  Here's to finding our homes. Each and everyone of us, because we all deserve it.