Jesus: Golly Golly, miss molly ringwald!
Could it be? A fellow holy heretic?
Preston: yep
Preston: well... in a way
Jesus: oh?
Preston: I forsook the church I went to
Preston: how bout you?
Jesus: Oh, well I'm just jesus.
Preston: hey, I kinda like Jesus
Preston: he's cool
Jesus: Yah. I'm pretty rad, an all.
Preston: I always thought he was kinda
goth
Jesus: That was just when I was a teen.
Preston: being into the piercings,
hanging out in graveyards n' such
Preston: listening to joy division
Preston: well..the last part I made up
Jesus: 98% of my time is now spent
playing golf
Jesus: and shopping for sandals and
glittery hot pants.
Jesus: The rest of it is thinly spread out
amongts the important people.
Preston: nice
Jesus: Kelly clarkson
Jesus: clay aiken
Jesus: well, you get the idea.
Preston: yes, american idol seems to
draw them doesnt it...
Preston: "Get behind me Simon"
Jesus: indeed
Jesus: meeeoww
Preston: so how wild was the last
supper?
Jesus: OH you have no idea.
Jesus: My dad keeps the real tale on his
book shelf.
Jesus: Next to the other pornographic
titles.
Preston: well, there were other scrolls
Preston: Glad to know where they are
Preston: I'm sure he keeps them next to
some Vonnegut
Jesus: yah
Jesus: but a lot were ruined
Jesus: cos we put them on the floor
Preston: Mrs. God found them under the
mattress I'm sure
Jesus: when we were hous training the
unicorns
Preston: so hows your day?
Jesus: Quite fabulous, thanks.
Jesus: How about yours.
Preston: good
Preston: quite busy
Jesus: way to be.
Preston: so, how did you become a
heretic?
Jesus: it all started when I came out.
Jesus: Then my dad grounded me from
being the messiah for 2 weeks!
Jesus: How about yourself
Preston: well
Preston: i was a jehovahs witness
Jesus: ah. shifty bunch, they are.
Preston: lol
Preston: you really are jesus!!!
Preston: i wasnt too crazy about their
religion
Preston: I felt controlled
Preston: I came out to the church elders,
everything went to hell
Jesus: well yah. they don't like the gaes.
Preston: which is why they're so
unhapppy
Jesus: They're writing books telling
teenagers not to masturbate!
Jesus: Just absurd.
Jesus: Plus, they're busy every minute
with all of those magazines they make.
Preston: eh
Preston: its more of a corporation than
anything else
Preston: they have quotas
Preston: its all a numbers game
Preston: you have to hand out a certain
number of magazines every month
Preston: you have to preach a certain # of
hours
Preston: you have to make a certain # of
church meetings (5 a week)
Jesus: Yes yes, HJ knows all about
them.
Jesus: But they're not any worse than a
lot of other religions on the market.
Preston: i..believe that
Preston: but I never thought of God as
being a religion
Preston: it seems part of a conflict that a
group of people sets themselves up as a
person's conscience
Jesus: Yah, Father and I are totally
anti-religion.
Preston: good
Preston: so...why the flood?
Jesus: well, the big guy wanted to do a
cannon ball.
Jesus: And as you can imagine
Jesus: it takes quite a bit of water to fit
him in.
Preston: who's the hottest guy in the
bible?
Jesus: I'd have to say adam.
Jesus: hands down.
Preston: so...how big was the leaf?
Jesus: Oh, the leaf didn't exist.
Jesus: the conservatives just added that
later.
Jesus: Adam was fun and fancy free.
Preston: glad my idea of adam was
misrepresented
Preston: so, david and jonathan....did
they or didnt they?
Jesus: the question isn't who did. It's
who DIDN'T.
Jesus: and the answer is no one.
Jesus: All people did back then was get
high and have sex.
Jesus: Half the time, that wasn't even us
talking to them.
Jesus: It was just the affects of the
drugs that inspred at least 2/3 of the bible.
Jesus: Cos, I mean, we were busy
playin' tetris up here all day.
Preston: so I guess Ezekiel and Daniel
were major tweakers
Preston: ...interestingly...that makes a lot
of sense
Jesus: ferrealz
Preston: now, what was the problem with
sodom and gomorrah
Preston: I guess it wasnt the sex
Jesus: well, father had just sobered up
around that time, and grew a concious.
Jesus: All of a sudden it was fire and
brimstone at everyone's door.
Preston: so what relation was Satan to
you?
Preston: archnemesis? brother? sister?
Preston: golfing partner?
Jesus: we were just frenz
Preston: so did the Mel Gibson film get
your life down pretty much?
Jesus: Yah, but I don't mind too much.
Jesus: cos I get residuals.
Jesus: and you should see the
merchandising checks.
Preston: so was Jesus gay? straight?
bi?
Jesus: 100% homo.
Preston: you always spoke of a man and
a woman...why never a man and another
man, was being gay just something
accepted that nobody talked about?
Jesus: well
Jesus: It seemed like a good idea at the
time.
Jesus: IT was done in the interest of the
human race.
Jesus: See, if we condoned man/man
action. The population wouldn't be even a
quarter of what it is now.
Jesus: I suppose that sort of back fired.
Preston: true
Preston: so if Jeus could go for any guy
who would it be?
Preston: *Jesus
Jesus: I have a hardon for Young Darth
vader like you couldn't believe.
Preston: Hayden Christensen?
Jesus: oh yah.
Jesus: grr.
Preston: he's got a nice face
Jesus: He's got a nice most things.
Preston: beautiful
Jesus: yes-quite.
Preston: so after you were executed and
put in the tomb what happened?
Jesus: A party like you couldn't imagine.
Jesus: and it's still going on.
Jesus: I'm so lazy
Jesus: I don't wanna go back full-time.
Preston: must be boring having to sit on
a throne all day?
Jesus: I wouldn't know.
Jesus: If you recall. I spend most of my
time golfing and shopping.
Preston: true
Jesus: We just leave the voice machine
on for prayers.
Preston: please forgive me good rabbi
Preston: ;-)
Jesus: bless you my child. no worries.
Preston: so what happens when we die?
Preston: besides the death part
Jesus: most people just stay dead
down there.
Jesus: and when the mood strikes
Jesus: we'll bring up the really hep cats
Preston: like Dean Martin and Steve
McQueen?
Jesus: that's right.
Jesus: anything famous
Jesus: and a few exceptional regulars
Jesus: but michael J fox is going
straight to hell.
Preston: for playing a republican on
Family Ties?
Jesus: We just don't like him up here.
Jesus: Hell hasn't even been on for that
past 1000 years
Jesus: gas bill is too high
Jesus: but just for him
Jesus: it's getting fired up.
Preston: so what's the reaction on
people's faces when they discover that
there's a lot of gay people in heaven?
Jesus: I dunno, really.
Jesus: everyone goes through
orientation before they're allowed in.
Jesus: If You listen at the door, though.
You'll hear some gasps.
Jesus: People are mostly blown away
by the technicolor assortment of unicorns.
Preston: i believe it
Preston: so are adam and eve there?
Jesus: Yep.
Jesus: But they're only allowed to use
public transportation.
Preston: seems like a fitting punishment
Preston: well Jesus, its been nice talking
to you
Preston: I have to go back to work now
Jesus: Very well, my son. Bless you
forever.
Jesus: Farewell.
Preston: thank you father, amen
- Preston