Odd yes, yes odd (a rambling saga about fitting in)

joelbear

I am odd. I have never fit in. This made it especially torturous to be a JW. yikes. where fitting in is the key.

so, as a child no one really fits in, everyone is trying to figure out who they are. i was kooky, smart and loved taking my clothes off in the woods. just a born naturist. if there were other boys there, yay. c'est magnifique.

in high school, yikes, all those cliques. I watched a good movie last night called Mean Girls, which inspired this post. i was in the geeky brainy goofy math team clique. god i loved those guys and gals and we had a fricking blast all the way through high school but especially my senior year when i tore myself away from the JW clique and really had a good time.

in my 20's i was utterly confused. i moved to Jacksonville Fla to "come out" but moved there the same year that AIDS hit big. back to the closet pour moi. i ended up with an eclectic group of witness friends. i had excellent times in many different ways with all of them. I spent most of my time with a brother named John who I was hopelessly utterly totally in love with. sigh. i kinda fit in. but not completely. they all played golf. tennis was my game. i was dating girls but dreaming about john.

in my 30's, i came out and expected the gay world to throw a big party for me. i mean they had spent all that time, money and effort recruiting me, ha ha. so I formed a Coming Out Support Group at the Atlanta Gay Center and the friends I met there became my core group for the next 10 years. they have all moved away or drifted out of my life for one reason or another, but again wonderful times, good times. wow.

my 40's have been a struggle. when i was about 37 I became heavily involved with the "Bear" community. basically big hairy masculine (sorta) homo guys. i still didn't really fit in, even though all of us had hairy backs. recently some really tough events in my life have shown me who my real friends were. i have come full circle. i am the odd guy. i am rebuilding a new set of friends with a few old friends at the core.

Don't try to force yourself to fit in. Its like wearing shoes that are too small.

Don't dream it. Be it.

stillajwexelder

wow I love your honesty

Satanus

I don't try to fit in. I try to keep people out. Not sure if that is better.

S

Gretchen956

((((joelbear)))) I know, I too have struggled with this my entire life! I always felt like I was on the outside looking in whether at school where I was made to dress differently than the other kids or at the KH where we weren't on the A list because my dad didn't go to meetings.

Still hard for me to make friends, I really believe this type of isolation, especially in the formative years makes you socially retarded, at least thats how it feels for me. I still have trouble making new friends.

Sometimes the gay community can be a little unwelcoming (some of it) if you aren't a gym bunny or in the "in" set. Being a lesbian I can relate to that as well. My brother is a bear too, but seems to have avoided all the social issues somehow, he's very extroverted and makes friends easily.

Anyway, good luck to you from someone else that doesn't quite fit in anyone else's easily defined labels! However, the older I get the less I care, because I have always colored outside the lines and pushed the envelope. These days I don't have time to be around people that have to be woo'd in order to become friends or who aren't nice.

Sherry

georgefoster

You've had an interesting life joelbear. By choice, I've stayed on the outskirts of groups, and never completely fit in anywhere. No matter what, we're all ultimately alone. Many people can avoid that fact, but I can't, and it keeps me from conforming. When we're on our deathbeds, even if you're surrounded by friends and family, you're alone. Hopefully with no regrets.

Euphemism

Not sure what to say... but you touched a pretty deep chord with me. So thanks for posting that, Joel. P.S. Except that now I have "Don't Dream It" stuck in my head; thanks a lot...

prophecor

Hi JB

That was a nice post. I've felt like the odd man out all my life, in virtually everything. It sucks at first, and then I kinda' got used to it. I've learned to make the adjustments and realize that it's OK not to be one of the sheep who're naturally inclined to follow the herd. It's good to stand out as different in some things. Hopefully if you're not too careful, your crew will find you, if it comes down to that, or more miraculously, you'll find each other, without ever having to be in search of....

I've found that a handfull of friends is about as good as it gets for me. Not because I'm so particular as it is my interest in life don't fit the traditional norm for most men in my age, ethnicity or emotional and spiritual make-up. But we somehow find each other, in spite of ourselves.

Pleased to meet you

art

Don't try to force yourself to fit in. Its like wearing shoes that are too small.

Perfect

Sunspot

{{{{ JoelBear }}}}

I was one of those who never fit in too. I was terribly shy, never made it more than 5 ft tall, bad in sports all through school and loved to hole up and read my days away. (Real escapism) I married, actually eloped at 17 with the first guy that paid attention to me, had four kids in as many years right after I was married, trying to create a world where somebody would love me, and it was nothing I was prepared for or ready to deal with a young hubby who wasn't prepared either. We split after seven years and we both grew up (and married others that lasted since the 60's)

So I never had to deal with what you and other gays did because I was straight, but life does that to a lot of us.......just taking forever to find where we are comfortable without having to "try" and with no strings attached.

Ever since I've been on JWD, I've always found you warm and friendly, even on your worst days, and I have always liked you (even on my worst days, LOL). One thing about this board............we ALL fit in as exJWs who have suffered through that nonsense as well!

My best to you always, Joel,

hugs,

Annie

thom

Thanks for being so open about your life joelbear. I think alot of us here can relate to lots of it.
Early in life I learned that some people can be quite cruel and that not everyone is friend material. Unfortuanately, I responded by developing a personality where I try to make it clear that I'm not looking for friends and "I don't like you anyway". Yeah, that sure wasn't a good way for me to become, but it's what I am.
I think I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to getting close to people. I act like I don't want it, and in many ways I really don't want it. But it bothers me sometimes that I live a life of solitude as I see all these other people hanging around with eachother and at least appearing to have a good time.
When I do end up interacting with people I tend to try to end it (politely) soon. Like meeting new neighbors, I'd love to get along with my neighbors, but I'm sure they see me as rude and have given up on getting to know me. I hate being this way but I have no clue how to change it so I go on. Somehow I have a girlfriend, but she pursued me past all the initial barriers I tend to put up and maybe she sees the real me? I hope so.
Anyway, I don't know if being raised a JW is part of it or if I would have turned out this way anyway. I do feel that the restriction to getting to know "worldly" people must have played a part. It justified my keeping a distance from kids and school so maybe? Who knows.
What I do know is that my daughter is NOT being raised that way. She does very well socially, with kids and adults. She has alot of friends at school and plans to get more involved in after school clubs and such next year (7th grade). I just hope she can grow up to be more "normal" than I am.

Odd yes, yes odd (a rambling saga about fitting in)

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