Perhaps I am a sucker.

El Kabong

This is a follow up to my previous thread titles, "Am I a Sucker?" which can be found here:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/94985/1.ashx

So, last week, this girl that has been living at our house comes home from work and announces that she is going to go volunteer at the Fire Department, which is something that she has been doing from time to time. And, that she has to take a certification test at the fire department the following morning, so she may be late to work. (She just started a job at the local Target). We told her that it's probably NOT a good idea to be late for work, especially this being your first week on the job. She responded that she likes the Fire Department and it's something she enjoys doing. We do understand that, but, as we told her, the Fire Department is on a Volunteer basis only, AND, you don't get paid for Volunteer work. Your job that gives you a paycheck should be your main priority at this time. Needless, she got a little upset at the comments we were giving her, and she left to go to the fire department.

So, at 10PM, she calls our house and says that she has to take her test early in the morning, so she is going to sleep over her cousin's house. We thought this strange because the caller ID had the same first name as her former next door neighbor's house who is a 35 year old guy who has been very forward in lettiing her know that he want's to have sex with her. A little checking of the caller ID records proved that she was calling from her former neighbors home.

We asked her if she was at that guy's house, since the caller ID said his name, but she lied and said that she was just borrowing a cell phone from one of the fireman.
Now, this girl is 19 years old, she does have a disability. Both my wife and I have met this former neighbor, and he is the type that would have 2-3 different women come to his apartment each week. This guy is just using her for sex when he can't get any of his other women to come over, and instead of masturbating, he just uses her for sex. Since she's been at our house, we've cleaned her up, helped her get a job, try to build up her self esteem, and then she just goes and runs to some guy who just tear's down her self esteem. He tells her to Shut up, be quiet, you're worthless, etc.

I know that she can pretty much do what she wants to do, because, legally she's an adult. However, the part that I'm upset about is that she just lied right to our face, and continues to lie to our face. That's the part that bothers us the most. How can I trust her again? We are seriously thinking of having her find other living arrangements this week.

Are we making a big deal out of nothing? Can I please have some of your opinions, both good and bad?

Mecurious?

Hmm, where are all the people who said that your weren't a sucker at now?

Just as I predicted! Right on schedule too.

Sad, sad, sad no good deed...

undercover

Telling her to hit the road would probably be best for you and your family. If you feel like you need to give her another chance then it would be time to give some ultimatums. If those ultimatums aren't met, or if reasonable, verifiable reasons can't be given for not meeting them, cut your losses and get her out of your house.

EvilForce

Obviously tread carefully....but at least consider the need she has for sex and personal attention. Many, many people equate sex with love. This man makes her feel good obviously via sex even if he emotionally abuses her. She probably doesn't think she deserves better. With a screwed up puppy like this it's going to take time. She's probably lying to herself as well.

Billygoat

I don't think you're a sucker. But you are kind and generous and sometimes people take advantage of that. EF has a really good point:

Obviously tread carefully....but at least consider the need she has for sex and personal attention. Many, many people equate sex with love.

You may think she's there because he's using her, but perhaps she is there because she likes having sex? I know when I first got out, I spent time experimenting myself. No it's not the best situation, but she is an adult. Perhaps you can talk nicely to her and tell her you don't care who she sleeps with, but under no circumstances is she to lie to you. Maybe your unconditional love will make an impact at some point. She doesn't seem to ever have had that. I'm not in your shoes, so I can't say what I'd do, but this kid needs unconditional love from someone. Is it you? Only you and your wife can decide that.

Frannie Banannie

EK, since she's of age, you can't prevent her from going where she wants to go....BUT, it might be wise to stipulate that a condition attached to her staying at yall's home would be that she undergo psych counseling. She needs it to overcome her insecurities, which are in play. If she doesn't agree and DO it, then "Adios, chica!" Because, while she's paving a path of self-destruction, yall don't want to be her enablers.

Frannie

kls

It's time to have the " lets sit down and have a talk time" and give her the rules ,let her know lieing is out and if she continues to lie and break your rules that you are sorry but she must leave. Would you take this from your own kids under your roof , i doubt it so just because she had disabilities that do not limit her from having sex, working and lieing,she can certainly understand a roof over her head or none.

Carol

I think KLS hit the nail on the head. I'd go one step further and insist she have a an ob/gyn exam and go on birth control. With the obvious lack of parental direction (other than when she was around you and your wife), she might not realize the remifications of lying and loosing your trust...and it's good to let her know she can't get away with it.

Are you a sucker? No, just a tender hearted, caring schmuck! Better that than a cold hearted, judgmental JW.

horrible life

El I have to say this. I thought about it when I read your first post. Please watch yourself around her. You don't need any rumors starting. My husband was the mayor of our small town. HIs office did not have a window. I told him to always leave the door open, or have another person in there when talking to women. More than once, he told me that my advice probably saved him misery. HL

vitty

I dont think your a sucker but, are you being a landlord and friend here or have you taken on the role of parents. You have helped her get straightened out but if she had decided to go to the fire station and be late for her job that is really her decision, giving her advice is good but she has too feel she can make that decision. If not she may feel backed into a corner and feel she cannot tell you the truth,espacially if she has learning problems.

Has she got a social worker ? They would take on the role of guardian for her.

You have to decide what part you want to play in her life, friends and landlord, or parents, they are very different.

Goodluck

Perhaps I am a sucker.

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