Strange how the hardest thing to do is nothing, and you could swear the “devil” is trying to get you. I got a phone call the other night I knew would come, on old road beckoning. It was a great one, too, beautiful in so many ways, but at the same time riddled with potholes and dangers to me. The thing is, I know better, but it is still not easy. I’ve chosen one definitely less traveled in my opinion, a small road that will have me “alone” for a while.
So what was good about this old one? These questions must be answered, old relationships, like roads, take us places in ourselves. This one eventually forced me to face things that have freed my mind. I had never laughed or enjoyed so many little things about someone before, it was the first time I knew what real love was, the kind where nothing else matters.
Like a drug almost I neglected so many other things I needed, my friends, my kids, my development as a person both professionally and personally. I know I can go back there now, but my mind screams at me “don’t you dare f*cking do it”. I have to make myself remember the bad times, which were about half the time in reality because of my goals as well as the person I was. I am full of ambition and work like few do, wrapping myself in it for weeks at a time developing the business, but to be fair I also take myself out of it for weeks at a time. We used to fight so much about where I was or what I was f doing if I didn’t answer my phone, and the “leash” chaffed me something terrible. I am a free spirit and generally more freedom equally more loyalty from me in a relationship. Also I know one of the things I love so much today is meeting the kindred spirits I have been sharing parts of my life with for almost a year now. She would never understand why I love talking to so many people I have never met, or the midnight phone calls from someone who is just down in the dumps and wants to hear a voice on the phone. It makes me happy to take those calls and talk to my friends.
So why the ramble on and on about this, putting it out there for people to see, hell, I don’t know. Maybe because I like seeing where somebody tells me I’m doing the right thing and its supposed to be this hard BECAUSE it’s the right thing to do. I know before I wasn’t committed to being me, and I didn’t even know who me was. It’s clear now the longer I go on that the right choice was made about staying alone. But sometimes I guess I need to see someone else gives a shit.
Days like today I loathe being alone, I miss sharing things because it makes me happy. I miss giving, but maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be working on, being more careful about who I give to, making sure they give back and don’t use me like so many have.
It’s still so f*cking hard sometimes. Tomorrow will be better.
WLG