Now talking to me is okay? Who is sticking to the "law" here?

by coolhandluke 9 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  coolhandluke

  I was at work yesterday when I got a call on my mobile phone. My mothers ringer is Darth Vader's march. The pit of my stomach ached. Why is she calling me?

  "Hello?"

  "Hi, Dom!"

  Hi Dom? Am I dreaming again? Is this my mother? I was audibly shaken, surprised, awed at what I perceived as audacity. My mother in her loyalty severed ties from me. It was her belief that hearing my voice, knowing that I was out here “hurting” myself and allowing others to hurt me was too much to bear. Out of sight, out of mind, free of immediate pain, I imagine.

  “Why are you calling me mother?”

  “I wanted to hear your voice. Don’t you want to hear mine?”

  “Everyday mother. Each moment of each day without you, I want to hear from you. I am however attempting to respect your wishes.”

  “Perhaps though, we should speak once a month or so, just to catch up. I’m just trying hard to grow up Dominick. It is so easy for me to be dependant on you. After all, you are Dominick, you solve problems. You’ve raised me to this point and I’m just trying to grow up.”

  We talked about my dreams, my one bout of depression since I left. We talked about the letter that I had begun. We discussed the ins and outs, the byways and shoulders of the roads we have traveled during the last few months.

  Is this a game, or an attempt at staying connected? I don’t know. What do you think?
• 

  AK - Jeff

  Is this a game, or an attempt at staying connected? I don’t know. What do you think?

  Human beings - witnesses or not - have deep seated feelings and attachments. I imagine she is using the society's 'loophole' of speaking with you to deal with 'family business'. The rules by which we lived as witnesses almost always seem unnatural to our human side - and that is because IMHO they are unnatural.

  I suspect she is severly torn between 'loyalty' to the organization and 'loyalty' to her natural human ties with you. I would just let it develop and see what happens. No harm done, right?

  Jeff
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  Hey Dom,

  I’m just trying hard to grow up Dominick. It is so easy for me to be dependant on you. After all, you are Dominick, you solve problems. You’ve raised me to this point and I’m just trying to grow up.

  I don't understand this, is she saying that she's "growing up", in that she's starting to think for herself and decide to make contact with her child despite the Watchtower laws against it? What did she mean by "you raised me"?

  I'd say adopt a "glad to have you back in my life" attitude and just be as sweet and good as you can be. It sure sounds like a chink in her armor. From what you reported, it doesn't sound like the typical "I don't want you to die at Armageddon, so I'm breaking the rules to beg you to come back" routine. It sounds like a genuine attempt to restore contact.

  Good luck! Play it right!

  Dave
• 

  Ingenuous

  I was audibly shaken, surprised, awed at what I perceived as audacity. My mother in her loyalty severed ties from me. It was her belief that hearing my voice, knowing that I was out here “hurting” myself and allowing others to hurt me was too much to bear. Out of sight, out of mind, free of immediate pain, I imagine.

  I can imagine, too. It feels like salt in a wound when they "deign" to talk to you and act as if nothing has happened, as if you haven't been terribly torn and hurt, as if it's all about them and their feelings since your feelings don't exist in any form recognizable to them.

  It sounds like a good idea to take it slow, to be "peaceable as far as it depends upon you" and see what happens - if you feel you can deal with this right now. Will there be rules about who calls whom and when? How will you feel after your monthly call? How will you feel waiting for your monthly call? It may be a good idea to get some specifics from her about exactly what type of contact she wants and how she feels it should be carried out so you know exactly what you're dealing with.
• 

  coolhandluke

  Thanks for the well wishing and reminders at caution all.

  ~Jeff

  Thanks. I will take your advice and just let it play out.

  ~AlmostAthiest

  After my father left, I stepped into the roll of protector, friend, confidant, emotional anchor, etc with my mother. She is basically saying that she is trying to depend on herself now instead of depending so heavily on me. I imagine that I can resepct that. I hope you are right as far as her intentions for contact. Nothing would make me happier.

  ~Ingenuous

  "deign" Damn girl, with the $12 words. I love that! I'm with you as far as the caution is concerned. Cautious as serpents, blameless as doves. The construct of this monthly call with all of its rigidity will only lead to a compromise of the very rules supporting said construct. My mother will break them because of some "need" and then will quietly hope that I've not noticed, or that my noticing won't prompt me to remind her of how she set up the game from the begining. I'm not sure if its a question of if I can handle it. It is what it is. I chose to close no doors. I am after all, an ex-JW.
• 

  damselfly

  My mothers ringer is Darth Vader's march. The pit of my stomach ached. Why is she calling me?

  That is too funny. This music goes thru my head everytime my mother calls me as well. I usually let it go to the machine so I have a few minutes to figure out what she wants and "mentally prepare myself"

  I would take your mom's calls and try to build a relationship outside the rigidity of the WTS rules. My mother calls about every 2 months, just to fill me in on what has been happening with the family. When I was first D'efd years ago the calls were to encourage me to return but that thankfully has stopped, now me returning is never brought up at all. I've had her call on my birthday just to reminise (sp?) and see how I was doing.

  Ultimately this is your decision to make and it needs to be right for you. If getting surprise calls are too much for you to handle now emotionally, take the initiative to call her on your terms when you are ready.

  Dams
• 

  anewme

  Cool, DFing is hard on everybody. Im sure she has dreams too of you. It is a way for the mind to work everything out when in reality things are at an impasse. Let her call you and talk with you. It will either do something or nothing, but it will allow the two of you to express your love for each other and you can express your love for your grandmother at least to your mom and she can relay info about family members to you. My ex did that for me for 3 years until I remarried. He even sent me e-cards and pictures of nieces and nephews and news of the congregation members. I appreciated it at the time, but always afterwards there was a day or two of depression following. I have not heard from him since May now and my dreams/nightmares have stopped and my thoughts turn less and less to the past and instead pursue the future.
  Everyone moves on. They must.
  Best wishes,
  Anewme
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  I would also urge you to be cautious.

  My sister was df'd about 18 years ago. My JW mother has had contact only when it suits her needs. Each time she turned on the 'love', my sister fell for it, loved her back, confided in her, and each time, my mother would have a change of heart and decide that she was being 'disloyal to Jehovah's organization', and shun her completely again. This continued until my sister, against her better judgement, invited my mother to her wedding a couple years ago. My mother turned on the love full blast, gathered any and all info she could, and then ran to the elders with it, creating huge problems for the JWs in my family. After that, my sister has cut off all contact, effectively DFing my mother. My mother does not even know that my sister had a baby, her grandson, a few months ago. My sister says she will never subject her child to that kind of conditional love, ever.

  It's a tough thing when family emotions are involved. Make sure you know where the line goes for you personally, and be sure that your mother understands it, too. You may be able to avoid the on-again, off-again love that way.

  I truly hope that all goes well for you and your mom!!!!

  GGG
• 

  upside/down

  "Yes Satan....?"- Ace Ventura
• 

  bikerchic

  After my father left, I stepped into the roll of protector, friend, confidant, emotional anchor, etc with my mother. She is basically saying that she is trying to depend on herself now instead of depending so heavily on me. I imagine that I can resepct that. I hope you are right as far as her intentions for contact. Nothing would make me happier.

  Oh my heart sank when I read that, sorry but by now I hope you realize it's not your job to be those things to your Mother. Fine line to walk my man being a support system for your Mom in her times of need, but you must simply tell her it would be best if she discuss personal things with either her best friend/elder or a licensed clinical therapist who are capable of handling such things as you aren't and you cannot give her the help she needs to get through it. <repeat as needed>

  The balancing act is letting her talk to you without sucking you into her vortex of endless needs of which you aren't in a position to help her with, no child should ever be put in that position it's emotional incest. If you can keep the conversation on a different path then great but it's really going to take some big'uns to stay on track. Just stear clear of religious and personal problems, might help.

  Maybe silence is golden? I wish you well I know how much having a Mom in your life means.