MY STORY PART TWO

diamondblue1974

Sorry this has taken some time to compile but here it is…the second instalment of my biography. As with the previous it is difficult with writing it not just because of the content but primarily because its difficult to try and retain the chronology correctly; I believe I have stayed true to how and when things happened but might have a few dates and times mixed up as this hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind for some time. Please accept my apologies if these inconsistencies are apparent at any point.

The first thing that changed was my mother…she became prone to depression and to just staying in bed for days leaving me to fend for myself. This wasn’t a problem because I could cook for us and I did when she would eat that is. Her health besides her depression had never been fantastic although I suspect some of it was not as bad as she made out but to cut a long story short I quickly learned to look after myself.

I started spending more time away from home when I had the opportunity and most weekends would be spent fishing and spending time with angling friends. I still attending the meetings with my mother and was quite regular all things being equal.

Surprisingly enough I was quite sociable at the meetings and tried my best to fit in; what most didn’t realise is that I was extremely angry inside…and when provoked could deliver a right ear bashing to whoever deserved it…If I thought it I would undoubtedly say it.

I was never a model JW although went through the motions occasionally with field service and so forth…I never pioneered despite all the encouragement to do so but other factors of my life had been impacted by the society and the elders, in that my interest in the law had been stifled earlier in my teenage years and for some time I was to forget this interest and seek a much more humble occupation upon leaving school. Because I was from a one parent family I was looked down upon when in reality looking at life right now I have faired better than those that are still caught up within the Borg.

Moving on….My mother was still suffering depression wise and would be up and down emotionally dependent upon what situation she was made to deal with.

In 1990 I met what I thought was the woman of my dreams and quickly fell in love…we met at an assembly and we began writing to each other afterward; I wasn’t baptised and she was so this caused some squabbles between her parents and me…My mother didn’t want me seeing any girlfriend because apparently I was to young to marry and shouldn’t even consider dating until I was ready to do so.

I naturally rebelled and the more we were told we couldn’t see each other the more we rebelled. In the end however I managed to get myself baptised (how I don’t know) and we were allowed to be official. My relationship improved with my mother and whilst I was never to be the doting son we reached a mutual compromise of understanding which still exists today although I am sure she would prefer it differently.

I became mellow and to some extent soft but my girlfriend had problems of her own. There was a history of abuse in her family and she herself had been a victim to put it mildly and had anger management problems; our relationship was turbulent at best.

My arrogance and her inability to reason wasn’t the best combination admittedly.
We married in 1994 and shortly afterward our fade from the witnesses began but very gradually; there were a number of reasons but predominantly it was because of the watchtowers stance on child abuse; (a little later they changed their view of 1914 which was another big thing to me).

She had good aspects to her personality and we did have some good times but the bad somehow always outweighed the good.

Things were amiss in our relationship; admittedly it wasn’t the best relationship to start with due to her being possessive, jealous, downright vicious, and later to discover, depressive. Admittedly I wasn’t the most responsible of husband and this no doubt caused friction between us. Because of her temper and her ability to fly off the handle at any given moment I became quite insular and began keeping things from her so as not to either upset her or to cause her to go off the handle. I regret this although there is considerable difficulty in being honest with someone who is so fragile and likely to erupt at the smallest thing.

The relationship between her and I became ever more destructive though and whilst I have a great deal of sympathy for her and the terrible things she has suffered there were things that she did that I could not justify with any amount of understanding or sympathy. This part is quite difficult for me to write predominantly because some of you might know her…some of you who know me from days of old will definitely know her and I don’t want to tarnish any particular friendship you may have or wish to have at some future time.

What I can assure you however is that what I have said and will say is true but in no way should this cause you to view her differently than you would’ve done previous to reading this, its easy to judge but unless you have suffered exactly what she has and walked in her shoes (sounds like a song I know) then we have no right.

I would be accused of having affairs regularly when in reality I had never slept with any woman except her; nor had I set out to do any different. Her evidence supporting such allegations was often quite extreme and irrational.

She was very controlling and to an extent going along with things made for a quiet life and so I did to some extent; she insisted on me stopping all contact with a very close and dear friend that I had had for years because she was female and when this failed she set about trying to destroy any kind of respect this friend had for me by first of all befriending her then proceeding to tell her my every bad point and a few more besides which weren’t true. Again this didn’t work because my friends predominantly know my weaknesses they know me inside out and accept me for what I am. The friend also realised very quickly what my ex wife was up-to but felt that she couldn’t interfere…she just said they would be there when I needed them.
When Dave used to call round occasionally, if we wanted to go out for a drink at a local pub she would object hysterically and would use his calling round unannounced as an excuse, she would be insulting and vindictive and wouldn’t care who she kicked off in front of. In the end Dave’s visits became rarer and rarer as his stays were never comfortable. One night we had managed to go out despite her protests and we returned to find all the doors locked and the one I had a key for jammed with a kitchen chair. When we managed to get in our/my bedroom door was locked and so a night on the sofa was necessary.

I later understood this all to be her way of trying to isolate me from any kind of support I could get from friends, soon enough my contact with the outside world became less frequent and again whilst I still saw friends occasionally I became a very different person someone withdrawn and completely devoid of emotion.

When the elders did get involved at the beginning she made whatever faults I did have seem like astronomical and so the elders viewed it as my fault irrespective as to my protests and explanation; study more pray more was their answer; stay away keep away was mine.

She began a new job working around Manchester in various Newsagents as part of a big company and as such she developed a friendship with another man who was and is around 30 years her senior; although I was prevented from having female friends she found it incredulous that I pointed this out to her as double standards and reacted in the same old aggressive way and told me I was preventing her from making friends. I didn’t mind her having friends but double standards I wouldn’t stand for but we agreed to disagree after many arguments.

When I was 25 I began to realise that life was too short and that I decided I would try and forgive my father for the things he had done or not done during my childhood; we met and through time we became closer.

I was going through the motions with my marriage and was beginning some of my legal studies as per my ambition and would be working all the hours under the sun; it was easier that way to stay away from home; her parents didn’t help either in that they were constantly interfering and would try and gang up on me where I differed from her. This was a big mistake on their part because their bullying didn’t work. I was becoming more and more strong willed and completely uncompromising and I hate to admit it but selfish. But you see I had to look after me because nobody else was about to.

Sometime later the relationship between her work colleague and herself was more evidently more than a friendship and it was clear that more was involved. I confronted her on it and she assured me that there was nothing going on and that they were just friends; this changed however when she months later had the stupidity to drunkenly admit different to the friend I mentioned above.

I think she realised that she had dropped a bollock or two when she sobered up and quickly came up with a plan and an elaborate lie to cover her tracks; she said she thought the friend mentioned above was having an affair with her boss and had told her she was up-to the same to try and get it out of her one way or the other…I remember asking why it mattered and she said she just wanted to know. I knew different…I could feel it in my bones and it later was confirmed as true.

I think she stupidly thought I would judge a friend the way she would and again it didn’t get the response she needed.

Stupidly I didn’t leave; we were financially tied together although I don’t think any of us had the guts to make the first move in splitting up but as time progressed things got worse; her relationship with the work colleague dwindled for a time and I found text messages from other men which were kind of obvious to say the least.

My ex wife’s relentless efforts to isolate me were still apparent however; she would object to me seeing my father in that she would complain that she couldn’t understand why I saw the need to speak to him after all these years and would refuse or turn down offers to go to his house for dinner with me; when I went on my own she would turn up at his house and be abusive and completely disrespectful. My Dad being a sexist pig said I needed to get my house in order including my wife under control which made me laugh but nonetheless I said I would deal with it my way.

When it became apparent that I wouldn’t compromise on fundamental issues such as my friendships (who weren’t altogether bad people in fact quite the opposite) she became more and more abusive and manipulative. She would often run into the kitchen and get a cooking knife and lock herself in her room threatening to kill herself all the time shouting and screaming; when I tried to force the door to get in she would scream louder and say that she would definitely do it if I didn’t stop trying to get the door open. In the end I left her to it knowing full well she wasn’t going to harm herself. Then she would come down the stairs and demand to know why I didn’t continue to get the door open and why I didn’t love her enough or care enough to stop her doing what she was threatening to do or at least call an ambulance. I must confess I was a little sarcastic at this point and said I had better things to do than to deal with her fucked up and completely irrational rants. I later apologised for this but said she needed help (yet another argument I remember ensued.

This happened on numerous occasions to one point where she wouldn’t answer me at all so I rang an ambulance thinking and fearing the worst; as I started to ask for the ambulance I heard her run to the front of the room where the bedroom phone was and pick it up…she said as I was talking to the emergency services ‘put the fucking phone down I haven’t done anything to worry about’. She later came down and asked me why I had felt it necessary to call an ambulance!!? As though I was overreacting….how do you react when your wife takes a carving knife into the bedroom and threatens to slash her own wrists her throat?

The most upsetting and for me disturbing issue however was this….Her sister often came to our house to stay and she had two lovely kids who were a dream and I would often baby-sit while they would go into town on a night out. (the irony kills me on this too…) I can’t remember how old Rory was but he was at least 4 or 5 at the time (I think); one afternoon Rebekah and her sister were asleep in the lounge still hung-over from the night previous whilst little Kayleigh was asleep with her mum…she was still very young I think about 2 years old.

I think Rory had had way too many e-numbers and or additives because he was restless to the point of being really badly behaved and was like a Muppet on speed and so I asked him if he wanted a walk out with his football over the fields and I could show him the railway bridge and hopefully see a train. He naturally said yes.

I left a note for Rebekah and her sister saying where we would be and that they could join us if they awoke and we hadn’t returned; off we went… I kicked his football some distance and like a nutter he ran off to collect it repeatedly and gradually exhausted himself and so about an hour later when Rory had seen two trains, a pair of Kestrels hunting, a herd of cows, sheep, and where I pinched some wheat out of the farmers field for him to take home to show his mother we returned home. Despite being knackered bless him he was really pleased to tell his mum all about how Kestrels hunt and the fact that the train driver had waved to him and the fact that his Weetabix was made out of the stuff in his hand and didn’t want any for breakfast ever again…this was as well as all the other things he’d done in the hour or so he had been gone as mentioned above.

Rachel thanked me for taking him out and wearing him out and I said it was a pleasure and that I had enjoyed myself and he was no trouble; Rebekah however was silent and sullen with a suspicious look on her face…and was offhand, experience had taught me that she was obviously pissed about something.

When the kids and her sister had gone, she continued in the same breath being offhand and completely cool and aggressive. She then said to me completely out of the blue… ‘Where did you take Rory really’?

I must have looked confused because she said that I must know what she was on about; (I hadn’t a clue at this point); She asked me why I had taken Rory out, and I explained my reasons (again I was a bit confused as to where she was coming from); she asked me whether I thought it wise? I was even more confused at this point so asked her why it wouldn’t be wise to take him out over the fields with his football when he needed to burn off energy…I said we went nowhere near the train track, not too close to the animals in the fields…and stuck to main paths…I asked her again what she meant. She said ‘well it doesn’t look good does it?’… again I asked her why it didn’t look good…and what possibly was wrong in taking my little nephew out over the field to play with his ball and to see some animals.

By this point because I wasn’t seeing her point she came outright and asked ‘did you hurt him?’ I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and was dumbfounded and shook my head in disbelief….and asked her whether when she said ‘hurt’ did she mean….she interrupted and shouted ‘you know what I mean…did you touch him?’ I was nearly sick with the very thought about what was being asked and I said rather shocked that I wouldn’t dream of hurting any child none more so than my little nephew. I said she was sick for even thinking it…I asked her did he look as though I had hurt him? (Given how happy he was when he got home and excited he was to tell his mum all about his afternoon).

What hurt most was that I had been quite understanding and supportive about her past and the issues between her and her family members, I had made allowances for her temper and her anger and even her infidelity to a degree and on numerous occasions had challenged the elders in relation to their stance on child abuse and their treatment of her family during the time in which it all became public.

It was as though everything was being thrown back in my face and with no absolute rational reason for it. I grant her that she did apologise later that evening and said she knew she was being irrational and didn’t think I was really capable of doing what she had almost accused me of doing. I like a mug accepted her apology in an effort to somehow try to reach her and as such the issue was ended.

In a later argument however she accused me of blaming her for the things she had suffered at the hands of her abuser/s (which was ludicrous) and again all the support and the backup and understanding I had tried to show was thrown back in my face. I suppose when I really think about it, it was when she made the allegation that things were really over between us…I couldn’t see her in a positive light again although I did try.

Again none of us had the balls to instigate a split and so we remained together in the same house even though sexually and emotionally the relationship ceased to exist; she was still playing around with other blokes and I again found text messages which made it obvious what was going on; instead of reacting like a crazed lunatic I decided that I would gather more evidence and secretly kept this evidence should I need it.

Work which was again another solace became an issue for her in that she didn’t like the fact that I sometimes (but not altogether too often) would be away from home…I personally couldn’t imagine why it was that she still needed to control something that she didn’t actually value or love anymore (if at all she ever did) and she would kick off if I was on the phone to a client (yes even in front of them).

I remember in one of the arguments about this was whilst I stood at the bottom of the stairs she threw a heavy drawer down the stairs which was full of work bits and bats; had I not seen it or moved I could’ve been seriously injured as it smashed off the wall at the bottom of the stairs.

Other arguments involved punches and kicks but were pretty inconsequential in terms of damage; personally I don’t know how I didn’t hit back; to me though allowing myself to do that would be like my father.

An argument about something completely irrelevant (although her allegations of adultery were still being banded about at the time) resulted in her throwing a huge set of keys at my head which I managed to duck out of the way of luckily but they smashed a cup that they hit when they landed (such was the force at which they were thrown). I did lose my rag at this point and shouted that she had better get out of my sight before I lose it….she still came forward shouting and screaming not to tell her what to do; whilst before I had taken quite a passive role I confess to pushing her out of the room and locking the door behind her…If I hadn’t have done I think I could’ve lost my temper violently and done something I would later have regretted.

I went for a walk and calmed down as did she…and later we were at least civil with each other; as was always the pattern.

We did eventually split amicably and that was in 2001 and I moved to new accommodation a little way from her; she moved in with the fellow 30 years her senior (or thereabouts) and has since been remarried to him. We still speak occasionally although I try to restrict my time with her.

So what’s the point to this story…what relevance does it have you who are still reading and have not fallen asleep?

Well whilst it hasn’t been mentioned to any great extent my fade started right the way through those turbulent years; and formed part of the background; people assumed that when Rebekah and I had split I would return back to the meetings and that all would return to normal after all; but that was far from what was going to happen.

Where were the elders throughout all this time? They didn’t want to get involved at all…and fair enough we had not been at the meetings for some considerable time but nonetheless they knew through my mother what problems we were having and the times we were going through and as spiritual advisors and shepherds surely it was a duty to at least see if we would accept their help.

Their refusals to get involved were I think linked to the awkward questions I had asked previously in relation to the WTS stance on child abuse and their treatment of victims; even later in time watching the panorama programme was shocking enough, in that the elders were evasive in the answers they were giving the media about this very subject, naturally those which hadn’t been primed are going to try and avoid the issue completely as did those in my congregation.

I was even branded an apostate which in short cut everyone else off from me in terms of support, that was except for those of my friends already out; this branding hurt considerably given the negative stance attached to it but nowadays being mentally free the name makes me proud and I smile given that none of them often do not know the meaning of the word and yet they are so afraid of it.

Although not at the meetings for almost a decade I wasn’t mentally free at all; that has only come later through the help of this website and some in-depth private study not restricted to Watchtower publications.

I consider my becoming mentally free and my life post first marriage to be almost like a rebirth and the start of me starting to find my old self again; the person I should’ve been those years back.

Someone at my recent wedding actually said it was nice to have the old me back again; I was quite touched by this comment but hadn’t really thought about how the events over the previous years had changed me until then but they had.

My career has taken a turn for the better and I am in a job which I try to like all the time but it has its low points but for the most part I am happy doing what I do; Academically I am still studying like mad and eventually hope to qualify as a Barrister, I work as a paralegal and a tribunal advocate in a labour law firm in the UK and the job keeps me out of trouble or in it whichever the case maybe. I also have an interest for obvious reasons in child protection law and help charities lobby the government for more protective legislation for victims although the work I have done is pretty insignificant in terms of use and effect; I hope to help more when I have more time though.

My new wife (it feels weird saying that) is wonderful (and bloody patient) and I feel more blessed than I ever have been; she’s a primary school teacher and specialises in Music; she also works with kids from deprived backgrounds with difficulties and has some great success in getting them through their final year before going to secondary school. She won’t admit it but she’s brilliant at what she does. We share the same interest in child protection although she attacks it from the academic standpoint as opposed to from the legal.

All through my life I have been put down or isolated for one reason or another by the elders and the congregation and this does lead to low self esteem and as such you tend to put up with a great deal more when you feel you are worth less; I am sure I wouldn’t have put up with as much as I did had I not had the background I did.

But I am living proof that you can try to bounce back from any adversity and with some success; that you can turn your life around and that nobody needs the watchtower society or Jehovah’s Witnesses; they just are programmed to thinking that they do and therein lies the difference; thinking you need something and actually needing it are two different things.

I don’t and didn’t intend to shock by the things written in this biography but I hope it allows some to see that whilst life might have been complete crap; there is light at the end of the tunnel and no the light isn’t a freight train coming towards you.

Again to those that have listened and took the time to read thank you; to those that have found some similarities I hope you find something positive from this rant.

Thanks for reading.

nilfun

I'm so glad you were able to rise above those terrible times, Diamondblue.

there is light at the end of the tunnel and no the light isn’t a freight train coming towards you.

I'll try and remember that. Thank you for sharing your story

in a new york bethel minute

thanks for sharing your story... sometimes i got flush with frustration, but it was well-told. and picturing the accent, it was more well-told

bethel

Angharad

((((DB))))

Wow that was very powerful and moving to read.

I'm so glad things have worked out for you after everything you have been through.

Thanks for sharing

Gill

(((((((DB)))))))

I'm very sorry to read of your past experiences. It certainly makes me realise how child abuse causes more damage than just to the victim themselves. I'm glad you've survived and moved on to greater success and a very happy marriage.

Your ex wife, however, has she been able to seek help that she clearly needs desperately? I hope that someone will encourage her to do that.

You certainly seem to have found your soul mate now, however!

Wishing you both much happiness that you clearly deserve.

Gill

PaulJ

Thanks for sharing that DB

Ellie

Wow! What do you say after reading something like that?

Absolutely shocking!

But to look on the bright side, you have both moved on and atleast you can now be happy.

Carol

Wow! Thank you for sharing. Your story was well told and not at all whiney. While it was very rough going, it has evidently made you a stronger, more caring person. Keep working towards your goal of becoming a Barrister....you are still young enough and you can do a lot of good for many innocent victims. I always wanted to be an attorney, however I did not go to college until I was in my 40's, I am now a certified Paralegal (I didn't have the patience or the stamina to go to law school). Hang in there the bad is behind you and remember "that which does not kill us can only make us stronger"

MY STORY PART TWO

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