In addition to Ding's comment:
Half believed the idea that my lack of faith was my own fault, needed to do more, to get more of J's Spirit, Also on another front, didn't want to show my hand, see the end of my marriage, all family relations, (which all did end) I just figured I'd carry on in the ridiculous until I died, and then I just couldn't do it any longer, the amount of nonsense kept piling up until I couldn't take it anymore,
:0)