i'm new around here, but i've been browsing the site the last few days in hopes of finding the answer to the situation i've been going through, so hopefully you can help me.
i met this girl in highschool, but never really spoke with her until about a year after i graduated.
she's three years younger (however it's legal where i'm from, don't fret) and still a teenager.
Patrickday: Feel free to contact me anytime. I will respond to your post after this weekend as I am preparing to head out.
But one thing I concur with is you do not know the "real girl" and most likely won't ever. The book Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan is a very interesting read. It expains the difference between cult personality and real personality. You may be interested in reading it to understand the difference.
well after an almost 4 year sucessful fade including a move, they found me.
i was not home at the time, but they were asking all sorts of questions about me and my family, who lives where etc.
of course it was one of the busybody families in my former congregation.
Thank you for the suggestions! I will put them on ignore if they call or leave messages - and I havent heard from anyone in about 3.5 years, baffles me as to why they are trying now. The person who stopped around has my phone number so why she dropped by without calling is strange - unless to catch me off guard. She would had to have done some recon to figure out where I currently live.
If they drop by again, I do not want to hide in my own home if they knock, will answer the door and redirect the conversation.
I was a little surprised how I felt when I found out they came looking for me. Put me in the mode I feel I have something to hide or feel guilty about, when in reality, I am living MY life. While I maintain they do not have control of me, it seems they still do.
well after an almost 4 year sucessful fade including a move, they found me.
i was not home at the time, but they were asking all sorts of questions about me and my family, who lives where etc.
of course it was one of the busybody families in my former congregation.
Well after an almost 4 year sucessful fade including a move, they found me.
I was not home at the time, but they were asking all sorts of questions about me and my family, who lives where etc. Of course it was one of the busybody families in my former congregation. I must admit I am a little nervous to be back on their radar. The only thing that holds me back from DAing is my parents, they are now the only ones I worry/care about in the religion. They have given their entire lives to the WTS and are getting on in years. They know I am inactive, but I do not want to go down the DA or DF path because it will crush them!! Oh the things we do for our parents!
Why mention this, I expect they will be back looking for me. I have to figure out what to say or do and I would rather have a proactive plan I believe it will only be a matter of time. Any suggestions?
I was there 3 years ago and remember sobbing night after night because I felt a part of me died. It was definately a rollercoaster ride of mixed emotions but I am far happier now that I have ever been in my entire life.
It is true that research is the key to leaving and not looking back. I never accept anything as a fact until I verify sources.
Wishing you the best on your journey! Being liberated and free is a wonderful feeling!!
i'm new around here, but i've been browsing the site the last few days in hopes of finding the answer to the situation i've been going through, so hopefully you can help me.
i met this girl in highschool, but never really spoke with her until about a year after i graduated.
she's three years younger (however it's legal where i'm from, don't fret) and still a teenager.
Steve I don't understand why you would find that intriguing at all. It is called indoctrinated fear from infancy.
I am a 3rd generation born in. The org was never for me. I truly hated being different as a child which carried on through my teenage years. I simply wished to fit in and live in a normal family, one that wasn’t burdened with "special knowledge" that we were "privileged" to share. I led a double life in my teens, one that put me in many risky situations because I wanted friends, to be liked for who I was, I wanted to be me and I wanted to find out who I was.
My teenage years were filled with constant turmoil, feeling like a failure in all aspects of life, at school for being perceived as weird, not having any confidence because we weren’t allowed to participate in extracurricular activities to gain self esteem and confidence and at home for being a lone wolf for not truly believing and not conforming to my parents beliefs.
Regarding going back because something was there for me later was simply not the case. I went back because I was afraid for my babies lives. I was resigned to the fact that I would likely be destroyed at Armageddon because of my heart condition, but I wanted my children to have a fighting chance. That is a mother’s love I guess.
After a string of incidents a few years ago, I was finally able to research and find real truth about the watchtower organization. I certainly wish I had not wasted so many years, but it is what it is.
I am no longer afraid, no longer guilty, I am free. And for the first time in my life, I am learning who I am!!
Back on topic… Patrickday, I hope you see from reading my story, it is very complicated getting involved with someone with this type of background. She won’t think the same, could have a hidden agenda, may be wracked with fear and guilt that could carry on later in life which will affect her decision making. She may use you to escape her situation, but then you become a scapegoat. You will not be the only one affected, it carries on to her family, possibly your family too. Forget about her!
i'm new around here, but i've been browsing the site the last few days in hopes of finding the answer to the situation i've been going through, so hopefully you can help me.
i met this girl in highschool, but never really spoke with her until about a year after i graduated.
she's three years younger (however it's legal where i'm from, don't fret) and still a teenager.
Hi Patrickday:
I am a long time lurker, first time poster and felt compelled to respond to your post. Before I proceed, I completely concur with other posters in that you should walk away from this relationship and not look back. Cut your losses now before you are too wrapped up emotionally. A relationship under these terms simply isn’t worth pursuing because it can’t go anywhere long term and why waste your time, energy or emotions? Life is too short, even at your age.
Extricating someone out of a cult is very complicated, especially when she is very young and she will be forced into an emotional tug-of-war or perhaps an ultimatum between you and her “family” and there is rarely a winner in this battle. I know only too well.
Your experience resonates very deeply with me because I am the girl you speak of, this was me over 30 years ago and our stories are strikingly similar, however I can provide a glimpse into the crystal ball.
Here is my story.
I met a great guy who I fell in love with, he was in his early twenties, and I was in the last year of high school. I kept my home life secret from him and always had conjured up reasons why he couldn’t meet my parents or drop by the house to pick me up. I always had some elaborate story or scheme going to maintain my double life. After about 6 months of charades, I opened up about my JW life and how strict my parents were and how ashamed I was to be a part of this religion. I told him I would understand if he wanted to break up and never see me again. He stated he did not care about my (parents) religion, he believed that everyone has a right to believe what they wish and he wasn’t going to prevent me from what I wanted to believe, provided it made me happy.
By eight months into our relationship we were in love and decided that we wanted to be together. I simply couldn’t move in with him because I did not want to hurt my parents so that meant getting married. I broke the news to my parents who went ballistic. They were very distraught but somehow realized they couldn’t control me, they felt I was on the path to destruction and let me know it – guilt trip. Once word got out about me and my worldly boyfriend, my dad had to resign his position as Elder in which I was blamed for humiliating the family and causing them immense grief – guilt trip. To this day, I still feel guilty that he lost his position because of me.
We married shortly thereafter but I still believed the truth to be the truth. I had all but stopped going to meetings, perhaps a Sunday every now and then and never missed the memorial – guilt trip. But I always felt it was the truth and because of this I did not celebrate birthdays or holidays, I did not pursue post secondary education (guilt trip) and I was afraid of any major event in the news, afraid it was the beginning of the great tribulation and that I would die at Gods hand.
My ever loving husband did not know of my indoctrinated fears or guilt. He did know that I did not feel comfortable celebrating holidays or birthdays and he gave all that up for me. His tolerant family accepted my peculiar behavior because they loved their son and me. How fortunate I was to find my way into this family, but it was very difficult when every time a holiday rolled around. My husband couldn’t understand why we couldn’t put up a tree, purchase gifts or have a cake now and then. I stood firm to my beliefs.
Into my mid twenties I had 2 children, which was a turning point for me. I decided that I had to raise them as JWs because I did not want them to perish at Armageddon, I did not want their blood on my hands, so I immersed myself back into the clutches of the religion head first, taking my children with me. Notice I did not say “our” children, because there was only one way to raise them, my way as my they were my children. You can only imagine how the next few years went, I was unwilling to bend or compromise on my beliefs.
Even though I returned zealously, I wasn’t really accepted within the congregation given that I was married to an unbeliever, I tried very hard, impeccable meeting attendance and pioneering when I was able. I was an outcast within the congregation and in the outside world. I didn’t fit anywhere. I wanted to convert my husband even though I promised him I wouldn’t try.
Going back was biggest mistake I have made in my entire life! Once my children were into their teenage years, my one child was completely devoted and quite a zealous JW, striving to become a full time pioneer and possible bethel service. My other child was an independent thinker abounding with questions, obstinate in every way, quite a challenge to say the least. This child in essence, initiated the beginning of my thinking processes.
Then an incident occurred in which my loyalty to Jehovah (aka the Elders) versus the loyalty to my husband was in question. I was forced into choosing between Jehovah’s side or my husband, a man who accepted me and my beliefs all the years we were together, who tolerated my absences on weekends, who put up with raising our children as JWs, who gave up so much of his life because he loved me.
I was backed into a corner, accused of not understanding the bible correctly, not being loyal to Jehovah and his organization and not being submissive. It was at that moment veil was lifted from my eyes.
In the end everything worked out, I am still happily married, I managed to break my child away from the JWs, the relationship with my parents is strained at best, but I wasted so many years of my life going back for the sake of my children. It was not easy breaking free, it is actually quite traumatic.
Why am I telling you all this… Getting involved with a JW will only cause problems now and later on in life, why risk a relationship and the possibility of getting emotionally involved – there are plenty of other girls out there without this baggage. The teachings, fear and guilt are ingrained so deeply, they are incredibly hard to break free of. You do not want to come in between her and her family, who only love conditionally or be seen as the one that led her astray. You will be blamed and viewed with disdain, at some point this could backfire and she will turn on you too. She will become an outcast, shunned by her family and you will not be accepted. Her father’s position in the congregation will be in jeopardy if she dates outside. This is just the beginning…..
She isn’t acting maturely, she is young and leading a double life and doesn’t know what she wants and how could she for that matter, she isn’t taught to think. She is being denied a normal childhood and teenage years – just like I was way back when. It is a house of cards that will collapse. Would I have done things differently had I been raised in a normal environment - YES!
Turn and walk away, simply not worth it.
