Hi Walker (my surname is Walker!), nice to meet you. As you have no doubt discovered, you are not alone - we can all identify with your situation. Like you, I suppressed my doubts vigorously for many years, and was often held up as exemplary. I joined a Portuguese group so that I could get busy learning the language and focus on that rather than my doubts. It worked for a while, but eventually I had to just stop and admit to myself that I just didn't buy it any more. It is a very difficult thing to admit you may have been wrong and wasted so much time, but it is definitely worth it. My life has been much happier since I started being truly honest with myself and following the evidence wherever it leads, not filtering it through what the Watchtower organisation says is possible. Take your time, do lots of research, learn about critical thinking and logical fallacies, and above all, be honest with yourself. Good luck!