Posts by ZeroKool29

34

A Diatribe - Feel Free To Vent With Me

by ZeroKool29 in

fascism machine.

reminder of all that is hateful and wrong.

and supply of faith that was not strong.

ZeroKool29

Tbo,

Well, I don't really know how to begin. I don't owe anyone an explaination for what it is that I write but I appreciate the fact that you actually read what I wrote, you feel it was well-written, you decided to compliment me on it, and offer your criticism and insight. It beats the hell out people who will slam what you write without reading it first. You must understand, I am just now coming to grips with the fact that what happened to me (raised in Jw's, getting df'd, losing my family, waking from the Matrix, etc.) is just now really sinking in. I was not aware I was in a cult. I was not aware that these things are not that very far removed from the worlds of Jim Jones, David Koresh, Marshall Applewhite and others. I have had alot of trouble calling a spade a spade and the JW's, I now see, are a cult. I am a "cult survivor." Those people that pitied me for not being able to celbrate holidays, I used to pity them. I used to think I was an enlightened one and they were misguided. In retrospect, they may not have known the truth anymore than I did, and realizing that the bottom had fallen out of a belief system that I held for 20+ years is daunting. I used the word diatribe, admittedly, without knowing it's exact definition. But I looked it up and it fits well with what I was feeling. Websters defines it : "A bitter and abusive criticism or denunciation." Denunciation, censure, blame, accusation. These are highly negative feelings, and in the case of JW's , blame is not very satisfying. As was said somewhere on this site, the organization rolls on without you. And that would be ok, if not for the fact that there are some great people that I care about still being dragged along under the wheels. These people, those ones with a certain intelligence that for some reason remain blinded by the doctrine, they grease the wheels of what I called the "facism machine." I have 2 brothers and a sister that are among these people. It pains me to see the potential my life posseses now, free from mind control, that would also be available to them provided they wake up. Of course, in the end, if that is their faith and it works for them, who am I to say anything? But that is what is so god-pounding frustrating about it all. The idea that there is nothing you can do. I struggle with feelings of innadequacy and unworthiness alot. I've gotten better at dealing with it. But it still comes up pretty often and most recently when I think of things like this. I am an idealist by nature, if you can believe that. And I asked a friend of mine one time which would she rather have? A man who uses the system that's in place to his advantage or one who is out to change the system? How would you answer that? I am the type that would try to change the system. And I know that in the end my little words on here, this little diatribe may not mean much, but for those of us who find it a little more difficult to "cut our losses" and walk away, what will it take to change the system? Can one person do it? Facts and figures and testimony of abuse both physical and mental are one thing, but alot of times they sound almost clinical. What about some fire? What about some emotion? To me, emotion is what seperates us from animals and all these inanimate things that stand by and watch life happen around them. Emotion is the difference between existence and living. I appreciate you not wanting to dwell on negative things, and if it truly pains you to see someone you may consider talented "waste" their gift with words of hatred then perhaps you should not read my posts. I would prefer it not be that way because I love to hear other people's input. Why else would I be posting here? The fact is, as I said before, if my words can help someone or spur them to make a decision they were riding the fence on, that's an incredible feeling. I also like to show people that you don't have to be mindless when you denounce. It can be done with some tact (sorry for using the S words in my original posts.) I don't know, I guess I just continue to welcome your input even if it doesn't agree with mine.

34

A Diatribe - Feel Free To Vent With Me

by ZeroKool29 in

fascism machine.

reminder of all that is hateful and wrong.

and supply of faith that was not strong.

ZeroKool29

Tbo, thank you for your reply. The whole time I sat there writing what I did it occured to me that this was alot of venom being spit out and with no real target and no discernable benefit. I think it just helps me sometimes to sort of put a face to my frustration. I don't hate the JW's so much as I hate the fact that the things they teach to people can make a person's life chaos...if they wind up finding a different way. I am thankful that I can see things now in a way that I didn't before and that my mind is open and I don't have to live like a JW anymore if I choose not too, but there needs to be an outlet for these negative feelings that I have. And something that has occured to me from reading these messages on this board, alot of people share the same feelings that I have or have had. I have written alot of things and I have adopted a way of looking at these things I create. There doesn't need to be some greater truth, no wisdom imparted in the end, but what counts most is how it makes people feel. Can they see some of themselves in what we say? Can people relate to it? Are there people out there that feel this same way but don't know how, or are afraid, to express it? I can say that was the case with me. I was afraid for a long time to say anything negative about JW's. But now I see that there really is no reason to feel that way and that the JW's are not above criticism. Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

34

A Diatribe - Feel Free To Vent With Me

by ZeroKool29 in

fascism machine.

reminder of all that is hateful and wrong.

and supply of faith that was not strong.

ZeroKool29

Fascism Machine

reminder of all that is hateful and wrong

and supply of faith that was not strong

you know me not, which suits you fine

opposed to every opinion of mine

stand in judgement with robes so clean

while on man's understanding you lean

I've renounced the very God you seek

your prayers all laden with hypocrisy

so justify this however you must

reducing my soul to mere dust

to shake from your feet while walking away

consign your minds to further decay

your faith is a rolling fascist machine

that wears white linen to hide the obscene

you mandate intolerance while promoting ignorance

close your eyes, hide your heads

the sand can conceal all that you dread

your entire faith is all but mistaken

and honor is given to the one you've forsaken

ã Aaron p. Hill 2003

Things I am sick of:

I am sick of justifying my existence to prying eyes and judegmental charlatans.

I am sick of acting like I don't know what's best for me.

I am sick of giving up on my life and the lives of everyone else and trusting that God will set it right.

I am sick of living in fear of Armageddon every single day. Joining in choruses singing the virtues of the day of judgment and how happy it will be while secretly fearing for my existence.

I am sick of being told not to lean on my own understanding.

I am sick of dismissing every other opinion that does not originate with 12 guys I've never met, don't know, never will meet, and think they are better than I am.

I am sick of asking elders what they think is right about what I choose to do behind the door of my own home. In my bedroom.

I am sick of all of the hate.

I am sick of marking talks, special needs talks, and all talks in general.

I am sick of droning simpletons speaking to me in monotone about the wisdom of the Bible. I am so sick of the lack of SICKNESS at this situation. Why isn't anyone else as upset as I am? Are they all just screaming inside their heads? Are they aware that they are being processed? Molded? Squeezed and manipulated? An elder asks you what you did, tell him? No, you don't have to tell them a damn thing. Walk away and remove yourself from the equation and this idiotic notion that they have any business in your life whatsoever. They are just people like you and me, no better. They are "in a position of responsibility; they've proven they can handle this position" Proven to WHO? "Oh, we prayed about it and therefore our decision is supported by God." OH, I didn't realize you've got God on speed dial. You're old pals. Forgive me. I am sick of being sick of all this shit. I am sick of feeling alone and having no family. I am sick of feeling like I brought all of this on myself. I am sick of all of these thoughts of all of these things that I have missed out on. I am sick of still telling myself to go easy on the Witnesses. I am sick of knowing that there are good people reduced to mediocrity in that damned religion. Sick of them thinking that I am something to be pitied, or hated, or feared. They have more to fear from the masters pulling their strings, little ragged puppets. I am sick of wishing they all could just open their eyes and see what's being done to them. I am sick of being given a Bible to read when what I need is HELP. I am sick of being told to pray, go to meetings, do things Jehovah's way and it will work out for you. I am sick of being a good for nothing slave in an organization that likes slaves, because they are easily controlled. I am sick of wondering why an organization would want to do this to people. I am sick of people taking advantage of people that don't know any better. I am sick of ignorant pissants strutting around under this JW banner thinking their s**t don't stink because the bible tells them they are righteous and I am "worse than a person without faith." I am sick of token service and pretentious, pompous, arrogant people EVERYWHERE. I am sick of Jehovah's Witnesses and all the things they do that bring nothing but heartache and misery, I hate the way they set things up to ruin lives if you question, wonder, THINK.

15

Is Bait and switch the tactic used to recruit converts into the org?

by fearnotruth22 in

the world is commo=ing to an end!

this systenm wont last but a few years!

you can live forever after god destroys the wicked!

ZeroKool29

I know that there are imperfect people in every religion and the JW's can hide behind that justification all day, but when it comes down to it, they preach door to door about the virtues of what they teach over everyone else. They teach that God is perfect, they believe they are doing God's will and they present it with such overwhelming confidence in their rightness that, yes, they believe the religion, if not the people, is perfect. ANd I'm sorry, but we all know that's not the case. Any religion that has a system in place that would allow pedophiles to operate without fear of punishment, is far from perfect. And I have no particular axe to grind for these abused children, I hate that this is something that happens, it is terrible and despicable. I guess what I am saying is that I am much less interested in destroying JW's than in debunking them. I am comfortable in the idea of letting JW's practice what they choose, it's a free country. But, I think those who are interested in this religion should be aware of what goes on and that, in the end, there really is nothing that is radically different about JW's than any other religion out there. Not much can be done, at this time, for those of us who were raised in this organization but that they hopefully will come to a new way of thinking that is less constricting, and thereby begin to heal themselves. But, what would it be worth to each of us that experienced that to keep it from happening to another child? Perhaps one of ours? Or of someone we know? Or another family member? I admire what the silent_lambs website and others like them do, but it seems that something a bit more fundamental should take place. JW'S NEED TO BE EXPOSED AS NOTHING MORE THAN ANOTHER INTERPRETATION OF THE BIBLE, ANOTHER WAY OF WORSHIPPING, JUST ANOTHER RELIGION, NOTHING MORE. THAT is how you truly make a difference, and every one of us that walked through most of our lives looking down on other religions with their "worldly people" know that for a fact.

This is something I wrote in another link on a different subject but it fits, I think.

4

JW's and the SLAVE Mentality.

by ZeroKool29 in

i am a good for nothing slave.

if you can tell me where that scripture is located i would appreciate it.

now, what does that scripture mean to you?

ZeroKool29

How many of you remember this scripture:

I am a good for nothing slave. What I have done is what I ought to have done. ?

If you can tell me where that scripture is located I would appreciate it. Now, what does that scripture mean to you? What did the JW's want it to mean to you? In what context did they mention it? What affect did those words have on you when you heard them at the meetings? Did you happily accept those words, recognize the hoplessness of your imperfection and willingly give up your free will to instead be lead around by the elders and the Society? Now that you are away from the organization, how does it make you feel to remember scriptures like that and how they changed your mentality back then?

Take a look at another scripture that they used to give us all of the time:

To earthling man his way does not belong. It does not belong to a man who is walking even to direct his step.

I believe that's in Jeremiah. And, let's go one further, remember this oldie?

Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him and he will make your path straight.

Now, let's put it all together and see what we come up with. JW's teach that the Bible is "inspired of God" and that they alone hold the "Truth" about what God really wants from us. I have an experience that I would like to relate that I had a few months ago, I was online and I wound up talking to a young JW sister. I asked her if she was baptized and she said that she was, had been since the age of 16. I was amazed. I had gotten baptized at that age myself, but I now have a greater understanding of what baptism is really about for JW's and now I realize that I was nowhere near ready for it. I asked her if she believe that baptism is symbolic as a giving ones life over, dedicating one's existence to the service of the one and only true god, creator of all things. She said, yes. I asked her if she agreed with the idea that a person contemplating that should make sure they understand as much about God as possible and that they gain as much knowledge about him as they can before baptism and she agreed to that. Do you see where I'm going with this? So then I asked her what all she read and studied and used in order to get to know god to know enough to dedicate herself to him, and she said lots of stuff. The Knowledge book, the WT and Awake!, and other books. So I asked her if all of her knowledge about god came from the WTBTS and she said "Well, yeah." as if that should have been self-evident. I asked about other religions, what about their understanding of god? She said "Oh, well I studied Mankind's Search for God, so I learned about those already." I just rolled my eyes.

I submit that, to those of us out there (former JW's and those never affiliated with them alike) with open minds, it is IMPOSSIBLE to say that you know enough about God to dedicate your life to his service when the only knowledge you have about him is from books published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. You heard me, I said impossible. But, how often do you see it happen? These kids, raised in this religion, taught these books, and then BOOM they get baptized. They see their friends doing it, the attention, the standing ovations at conventions, maybe dinner at Ryan's Steak House for a change and they want that, too. And what do you get? Is this how you create an effective minister? Are these kids ready for this "dedication?" Most of them are not and then what happens? They find themselves in some form of trouble or another and they get df'd and then their lives are turned upside down.

I will write more in a little while under this same topic. I welcome your comments on the preceding.

26

I'm New Here.... Part 2

by ZeroKool29 in

so, i got home from my tryst and sure enough, everyone knew all the details.

so a judicial comittee was set up.

i was accused of coercing a happily married woman to drive 8 hours to spend 4 days with me in various hotel rooms all at her husband's expense.

ZeroKool29

I really would like to start venting some frustrations. Not so much in a pity party way, but just things that have been on my mind for a few years now, things I've come to understand without really having a forum to express them.

My grandmother recently passed away. This was the Methodist, my mother's mother. I had fallen out of touch with her since my df'ing (funny, I don't know why. She never had much love for the Witnesses and, now that she's gone, I regret not taking more time to develop a stronger, more muature relationship with her.). She had a plaque on her wall that I remember seeing as a kid, but i never took the time to read it because it seemed too long. The piece was called "Desiderata" which I know now means "something desired as essential." If you will bear with me I would like to include it here because it, to me, contains true wisdom and has helped me to change the way I view faith.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

T herefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

I was working at a job a few years ago and an aquaintance of mine printed this out and gave it to me to read and I recognized it as the words on the plaque at my grandmother's from my youth. I actually read it this time. Pay particular attention to the words I have underlined. The reason these words are so powerful to me is what they suggest about the nature of true faith. Some JW's would frown on me for thinking that this piece of writing, written from a human's understanding, could contain true wisdom, but these sentiments are echoed in the Bible, as well. In the book of Ecclesiastes (my favorite book and in my opinion, the REAL wisdom contained in the scriptures) Solomon wrote about everything having a time and place. A time to live, a time to die. A time to love, a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. He followed that by saying "God makes everything beautiful in ITS time." Now, I don't know about you, but to me that says that everything that is going on in this world right now is happening for a reason. If there are people dying, there is a reason for it. If people are suffering, there is a reason for it. If people are fighting, if wars are raging, these things, too, are happening for a reason.

And not man's reason, or god's reason, but that is, as the Desiderata says, "the universe is unfolding as it should." Whether we are aware of it or not. I remember one brother I knew making a statement "Things are as they should be if they are as they are." How he could believe that and still remain a JW, I do not know, because to me it seems the JW's have faith in things. They have faith that there is no hell. They have faith IN a ressurection. They have faith IN a paradise. They have faith IN Jesus, and IN Jehovah being God's name, they have faith IN the Governing Body. Do you see a pattern? To me, TRUE faith should not be limited by teachings or doctrines, true faith should touch your WHOLE LIFE. TRUE faith, it seems, would be an ultimate letting go and realizing that, free will and the ability to choose notwithstanding, we are part of the universe opening and flowering and unfolding the way it is intended. JW's do not believe in "you have a right to be here." They are known for their racial diversity and true, you go to a Kingdom Hall and you see blacks, whites, hispanics, chinese, arab , etc. But I think they are guilty of an even GREATER prejudice. They teach everyone old, and especially children from infancy that there are JW's and there are "worldly people." Those who know the truth and those who do not. That is more than racism, or prejudice, that is dismissing the overwhelming majority of people on this planet as being inferior for their religion or creed. JW's are not an equal opportunity religion.

And I know that there are imperfect people in every religion and the JW's can hide behind that justification all day, but when it comes down to it, they preach door to door about the virtues of what they teach over everyone else. They teach that God is perfect, they believe they are doing God's will and they present it with such overwhelming confidence in their rightness that, yes, they believe the religion, if not the people, is perfect. ANd I'm sorry, but we all know that's not the case. Any religion that has a system in place that would allow pedophiles to operate without fear of punishment, is far from perfect. And I have no particular axe to grind for these abused children, I hate that this is something that happens, it is terrible and despicable. I guess what I am saying is that I am much less interested in destroying JW's than in debunking them. I am comfortable in the idea of letting JW's practice what they choose, it's a free country. But, I think those who are interested in this religion should be aware of what goes on and that, in the end, there really is nothing that is radically different about JW's than any other religion out there. Not much can be done, at this time, for those of us who were raised in this organization but that they hopefully will come to a new way of thinking that is less constricting, and thereby begin to heal themselves. But, what would it be worth to each of us that experienced that to keep it from happening to another child? Perhaps one of ours? Or of someone we know? Or another family member? I admire what the silent_lambs website and others like them do, but it seems that something a bit more fundamental should take place. JW'S NEED TO BE EXPOSED AS NOTHING MORE THAN ANOTHER INTERPRETATION OF THE BIBLE, ANOTHER WAY OF WORSHIPPING, JUST ANOTHER RELIGION, NOTHING MORE. THAT is how you truly make a difference, and every one of us that walked through most of our lives looking down on other religions with their "worldly people" know that for a fact.

I need to get off my soapbox for now. Please feel free to respond. I would love to hear what you think.

26

I'm New Here.... Part 2

by ZeroKool29 in

so, i got home from my tryst and sure enough, everyone knew all the details.

so a judicial comittee was set up.

i was accused of coercing a happily married woman to drive 8 hours to spend 4 days with me in various hotel rooms all at her husband's expense.

ZeroKool29

This is one of the "poems" I wrote. Like I said, I don't think it's very hard to see where the inspiration came from. Actually, this was written freestyle. Someone in a poetry room told me the title by way of a subject suggestion and I just started typing line by line and this is what came out. Let me know what you feel from it.

Built With Brick

Your house.
On such a firm foundation

it supposedly stands
and none can shake it.
Fortified and battlements.
And the law inside this realm reigns supreme.
The word from on high
is the final say-so
and I was cast out of this realm.
This holy city made of iron
and wood, and concrete, and bricks.
Built with bricks it was, and strong ones at that.
Thrown outside and left to wonder
what was going on inside.
But I knew what was going on:
Hypocrisy, and intolerance.
So I chose to stay outside these walls
of fortified brick.
But as I stood, I looked.
I gazed and studied

and I realized that the mortar

was faulty and imperfect.
All that holds your house together
is of chaff and dirt, baser materials.
Talk of mistrust and whispers of deviance.
And nothing done to those
but me, the one cast out.
And now, my own family you take from me.

My own blood you seek to cut off.
And they swallow that pill with joy.

And the eagerness of their dismissal
makes me wonder

if they ever truly wanted me in the first place.
And if there is a word, or some prose that I can speak,
anything I may utter,
that may bring down that wall
may it find a way.
For this exile is too harsh and too unfair.

I may be a prodigal son,

but I find no comfort in your walls.

and you should know what I have seen.

The outside looking in
at your carefully lain bricks
held together with cement
born of imperfection.

It will crumble soon.

ã

A.P.H. 2003

26

I'm New Here.... Part 2

by ZeroKool29 in

so, i got home from my tryst and sure enough, everyone knew all the details.

so a judicial comittee was set up.

i was accused of coercing a happily married woman to drive 8 hours to spend 4 days with me in various hotel rooms all at her husband's expense.

ZeroKool29

I am really amazed at all of the positive responses that I've gotten to my two posts. I never expected that. I like to think of myself as an amateur writer of sorts. I like to write poetry and I can post some of them here from time to time. It won't take a genius to see where some of the inspiration for my writings come from. But I have to tell you, seeing people quote from something you've written is very gratifying. I love to read and I love to write and when I think about my life in the "truth" it really hits me, "If I had stayed there I would have been very limited about the things I could read and write." I would be discouraged from looking into different philosophies, which is something that I've really come to enjoy. And, concerning my siblings, this subject plays a major role in how I now look at our relationship.

I would say that even if my brothers and sister were to start speaking to me again, so much of who I am now is dependent on an open mind and I find SO much enjoyment from talking about the nature of life and the human experience from a philosophical standpoint that, really, what would I gain? My conversation with them would, out of necessity, be very limited. They would not be allowed by me to talk in a manner that would advance their desire to bring me back to the fold. And if I were to start talking about Nietzche or Jung or Freud or Eastern Bhuddist practices and the positive aspects of Satanism, well, you know the reaction. Every word from my mouth would be considered Apostate and they would clamp hands to ears and run away screaming. Ultimately, that's what keeps me from going back: How can I make myself comfortable around people who are so comfortable forgetting they have a brain?

Which brings me to something else that bothers me about my siblings. You know, they say that they do not associate with me out of love for me and for God. Makes them sound like a pretty faithful bunch, no? But my question is, how much of it is love and how much of it is fear? Fear that by associating with me they too would get DF'd? Or perhaps they don't want me to "corrupt" them with my beliefs? Which #1 is foolish because , if anything, I have ideas. As Kevin Smith said in Dogma, I have ideas, they can change. Beliefs are solid. Peolpe kill for beliefs, die for beliefs. The relationship my siblings and I have is a perfect example of the destructive nature of beliefs. So anyway, they feel I may corrupt them with my ideas. Well, if that is something that scares you, how strong, really, is your faith? Does not their own Bible say they should be willing and able to defend themselves before kings? I don't see how you shore up your own faith and provide a good example of why your way is best by simply refusing to hear the other side of things. And that's one HUGE problem I have with the organization : It's Arrogance.

The WTBTS is a very arrogant institution. In looking up the meaning of an apostate I came accross a section in an older WT that basically stated that a person who wants to be a JW must accept the fact that the Governing Body is the only source of interpretation of the divinely inspired word of God the Bible. Sorry, I cannot accept that. I cannot bring myself to fathom how I could now ever again believe that the sole interpretation of the word of God the Almighty creator, the instruction manual of the Universe, the only key to mankinds ultimate salvation, rests in the hands of a group of 12 men (no women, mind you) who live in New York. Why New York? Why 12? Why men only? That suggests that every other interpretation of the Bible, every translation, every single sermon of understanding delivered by anyone else, EVER, is wrong! That is to say that 6,000,000 Witnesses are the right ones and the other 5,994,000,000 + of the world's population is dead wrong, worshipping the Devil. And how do the Witnesses EVER plan on overcoming that? There is no way that they could ever reach all of those people, let alone convert them. It's a situation that is doomed to fail. And because it fails over and over again, there's always plenty of time to encourage people to get out there and try harder. I mean, looking at a January WT and seeing the #s of worldwide Witnesses growing and growing each year is encouraging, but on a congregational level, here in the states, could you REALLY FEEL that growth? It seemed like the same people all the time to me. The same people stewing in this small space with these small rules and these small minds, gossiping and back biting and getting into each other's business and causing disruption and on and on and on.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Feel free to comment on this last post, I want to see what all of you can add to it. I'm sure there's plenty.

26

I'm New Here.... Part 2

by ZeroKool29 in

so, i got home from my tryst and sure enough, everyone knew all the details.

so a judicial comittee was set up.

i was accused of coercing a happily married woman to drive 8 hours to spend 4 days with me in various hotel rooms all at her husband's expense.

ZeroKool29

So, I got home from my tryst and sure enough, everyone knew all the details. So a Judicial Comittee was set up. I was accused of coercing a happily married woman to drive 8 hours to spend 4 days with me in various hotel rooms all at her husband's expense. I was told by our Presiding Overseer that what I had done was reprehensible and that I was doing "what a dog would do." I was brought before the comittee and was asked very specific details. Where? When? How many times? You know the drill. The whole time I am sitting there it's popping into my head "Do they realize that I was in love with this woman? Do they realize that I was in love with my wife? Do they know what my marriage has been like? Do they know about my wife threatening divorce? Beating on me? Refusing to work? Wishing me dead? Did they forget that only a year or so before SHE left ME? Do they care about my side of things or are they only concerned about me telling them what I did so they could punish me?" I felt betrayed, in a way, but I sat there and answered all of their questions and listened to them telling me that this was all for my benefit. That this was a loving arrangement. And then it came down to the question that illicited my first honest words. At the end of the whole hearing, one of the brothers whom I admired a great deal asked me, "Aaron. What do you want to do?" I sat there for a long time and so he asked me again. "Aaron, what do you want to do?" Head down and shaking it softly from side to side, lost in a hole of thoughts that would not stop spinning, I said "I don't know." He asked me again, "Aaron.....what....do....you....want...to...do?" and I repeated "I don't know." Because I was unable or unwilling to tell them that I was truly sorry, that I had sinned in a moment of weakness and would do my best to prove I wanted the "truth" it was decided that I would be disfellowshipped.

Even at the time, I did not realize what was happening. I felt like I deserved it. In the back of my mind I remember feeling that I could handle being DF'd. After all, the only way to go from there was up, right. But those words, "I don't know." They sealed my fate and set up years of questions and doubts and family estrangement that exist today. I have not been to a Kingdom Hall in 6 or 7 years. I have forgotten the day I got baptized. My wife and I are now in the process of divorce (have been for a few years now.). I have 2 brothers and a sister who refuse to talk to me until I "do what I know is right and come back." But I know one thing now, I will never go back. As goofy as it sounds, I have come to liken my df'ing and subsequent seperation from the organization as "Waking up from The Matrix." Yes, my life is harder in many ways, but at least I am not enslaved to the "Truth." In my case doubt, not truth, set me free. Doubt made me utter those words "I don't know." Because I DIDN'T know. And now I see that even in my confusion I knew enough to know that beggin forgiveness and seeking re-enstatement would have been a lie. Now, I am content with my uncertainty. Because that means I have an open mind and now, I would not trade that for all the fellowship the Witnesses could offer me.

I know this was scattered and incoherent, probably. But I hope that I can keep sharing and putting these thoughts down. I've begun to see that I am in a process of coping with , and eventually closing that part of my life. I hope I can do that here.

12

I'm New Here...

by ZeroKool29 in

my friend, smoldering wick, informed me of this board and this is my first time here.

so, thank you for having me and also, please bear with me as i am sure i can be pretty long winded about things.

now that that is out of the way i would like to take some time to get down in writing some things that have been on my mind for the past year and some change.

ZeroKool29

First of all, I would like to say "Hello." to everyone here. My friend, smoldering wick, informed me of this board and this is my first time here. So, thank you for having me and also, please bear with me as I am sure I can be pretty long winded about things.

Now that that is out of the way I would like to take some time to get down in writing some things that have been on my mind for the past year and some change. I saw an interesting post from this board about "When did you stop being a JW?" and to be honest, I can't really pinpoint that date for myself. I was disfellowshipped, so I suppose in a sense, the day that was announced I stopped being a JW. But, as anyone from the organization will tell you, the heart condition is the most important thing, so if I really was repentant and striving to be re-instated, then I would still be a JW in my heart I'd just need to finish some paperwork. But I would like to tell you about my first honest words.

I was born in 1974 to two parents who were JW. I am the 2nd of 4 children; two brothers and a sister. From that day on, I was "raised in the truth." I remember very little about my childhood and what I do recall is scattered and disjointed. There is no time frame and I'm sure I get events out of order. Suffice it to say, when I was 8 years old my parents divorced. Actually, my dad went to work one day and when he got home at 3 P.M., we were gone. He was a drinker, and a cheat and that was a combination my mother had decided she'd had enough of so she split with the 4 of us and we traveled from Houston to Memphis, TN. We lived with her parents (Methodists) for about 2 years, then moved into our own place and for the next 7 years we moved in two year increments. The only constants being my mother and the Kingdom Hall. There were alot of generous people. Two in particular, Larry and Nancy. Larry was an elder in our congregation and he and Nancy become my mother's best friends. Since she was a single mother of 4 you can imagine the work hours she kept and that meant alot of our time was spent in Nancy and Larry's home.

In 1989, just two days after my mother's 42 birthday, something unreal happened. She had gone into the hospital to undergo a precedure involving her Thyroid, with which she'd been having problems. The procedure went well but during recovery (so far as i can piece together) something went wrong and she went into a coma. The blood issue never came up, there was no need for it. Anyway, my mother held on with the help of life support for a week, and then , when tests showed there was no brain function, the switch was flipped and my mother was turned off. Here, again, my mind is fragmented, but I can remember some situations with painful clarity. Some boy from our hall coming to me at the funeral and informing me "Your mother's skin feels wierd." Hearing people muttering at the visitation about how they heard "she'd lived for 16 minutes after the machine was turned off." Seeing my mother in her casket. Buying clothes to wear to her funeral when she wasn't techincally dead yet. One of my mother's final wishes was that the 4 of us remain together and remain in the "truth." This meant that we could not go to any of our blood relatives because none of them could take 4 kids at once, nor were any of them JW's. So Nancy and Larry, bless them, stepped up to the plate and took the 4 of us in.

The next 6 years were very strange. Obeying 2 people who are not your blood because you've been taught your whole life to respect your elders. Not to mention, what would that say about me that I chaffed at the outcome of my mother's last wish? Anyway, to make a long story short, Nancy and Larry were very strict. But I really couldn't blame them. They took on 4 teenagers all at once. Larry put me and my 2 brothers to work around our kingdom hall and we had a huge hand in helping out with our congregation's quick build project. There was not one day that went by that we weren't working on that site. Even after it was built. It became a source of frustration for me. I felt like no one would ever help us out because they knew the "boys" (meaning us) would take care of it. Anyway, These things started piling up and the fact that I was an excellent student of the bible, baptized, delivering talks and prayers, and on my way to being a Ministerial Servant, did not offset the frustration. I did not like going out in service. I did not like going to the meetings. In retrospect, I don't think I liked very much of what I was being told to do at the time. I was labled by Nancy and Larry a "back-talker" because I would balk at some of their demands. Around the time I turned 16 or so, maybe older, I began to notice girls and have very strong feelings toward them. I didn't just want sex, like any other guy, I wanted love. I wanted bonds of affection, I wanted ....wedded bliss. What every red-blooded JW boy wants. But Nancy and Larry forbade me to date. "Too young!" They'd say all the time. By the time I was 18, however, there was little they could say.

I began seeing a girl named April. April was from a Southern Baptist family, she fell in love with me or maybe just the idea of me, and she wanted a way out of her very irrational and abusive family life. I was that way out, promising her a glorious life of service and reward and fellowship provided she studied and became baptized. Maybe she realized something that I didn't at the time, because the 1st couple of studies went ok. But then, she started acting out. Becoming irate, refusing to cooperate and essentially making it look like all hope was lost of converting her. I stood my ground and helped her to see that a life with me lay along the JW path and not long after that she was baptized and we were planning our marriage.

Plans aside, we wound up going to a judge's house at 8 p.m. on August 5th 1995. I had slacks, a shirt and tie on, she was wearing a kingdom hall dress. We paid for the ceremony with a $50 check that bounced. There were no pictures. No witnesses. No family, no friends. But, I was in love and I thought she was too. The marriage started disentegrating immediately. April became abusive and refused to work, she left me on the day of our 1st wedding anniversary and moved back in with her mother, informing me she was pregnant. I was stuck living in a 1 bedroom apartment that reminded me of a jilted prom date. I had 2 cars that didn't run. I was walking to work at a video store making minimum wage, desperately in love and lost and all the while hearing the words of all of my peers "That's what happens to you when you turn away from Jehovah. Unevenly yoke yourself with unbelievers."

About 2 reconcilliations later, I had been reproved (privately) for a true moment of weakness, but no one seemed to either know, nor care, that my wife had left me. No one wondered how she and I were doing. No one asked, no one would talk to me about it if I mentioned it. "Not my business" they would say. And then it happened. I found a girl I feel for on the internet. In a chatroom meant for JW's on AOL. She arranged to meet me by driving from Texas and since I was thoroughly unhappy, I left my wife and my son (Who, by this time was living with Nancy and Larry.). This time, I did have sex with some one other than my wife and when I got back from this tryst I knew my goose was cooked. And thus the stage is set for what I have come to believe were the first honest words I have ever spoken in my life.

To be continued...