I posted my story on here a couple of years ago, I'm sure if you look on my profile you can find links to those original threads. Suffice it to say alot has happened since that time. I would like to say that I have been visiting this site daily looking for encouragement and fellowship but that hasn't been the case. I've toyed with the idea of writing some sort of "follow-up" but wasn't exactly sure where to start, considering that there have been so many developments since I last posted on here. Anyway, I guess I will start with something "not-so-good" and go from there: In June of 2003 I moved from Memphis, TN to Springfield, IL to live with a girl that I met, of all places, online. She had an 11 year old son and we lived together for a little over 2 years. During this time she introduced me to her brother and we became really good friends. He, as I found out, is a card carrying member of the Church of Satan and at first you can imagine how my residual JW sensibilities made me proceed with caution. After a while, however, I realized that regardless of this man's beliefs he was a compassionate, intelligent indidivual. I had also not meet someone who knew so much about the Bible, believe it or not. He was not approaching his disdain for organized religion from a standpoint of ignorance, lets say. He even loaned me a copy of "The Satanic Bible" by Anton LaVey with one caveat "Just don't become a Satanist, ok?" I didn't, of course, but the ideas set forth in this book were reveolutionary to me. At this time of my life I was looking to distance myself from my old ways of thinking that were still influenced to one degree or another by the Society's teaching and this was one way of doing it. I counted it as progress that I could "expose" myself to such teachings and viewpoints and yet still remain myself, with my conscience intact. That reading such material didn't mean that I was doomed to adopt them as my own beliefs. This, I feel, was a major step in my healing process. It was around this time that I began thinking of myself as an "agnostic." My basic understanding of that belief is that one believes that there is some form of "all powerful being" but that such a being is not knowable nor is it interested with the affairs of humankind. At any rate, I was gaining a measure of comfort from the fact that, although I had been and continued to be shunned by my former friends and even my own family members, I was the better for it because I had an open mind and that I was probably closer to understanding God (as much as any human can be) than any of them ever would be. Eventually my girlfriend and I broke up and I started dating another girl who lived in Springfield, as well. At the time I was working in a pharmacy and I became addicted to prescription pain medication. So much so that I wound up getting arrested and jailed for about a month. That was probably one of the worst experiences I have ever endured in my life. But I did gain a better appreciation of God while I was locked up (Big surprise, right?) What I took away from that experience was that, as the Bible says in John chapter 1 "In the beginning the Word was." Which is to say that, no matter what I was doing before I got there, no matter where I was or what was happening, the wisdom of God's word was there all along. His message was there before that jail was even conceived and it would be there long after I was gone and so was that building. But it took me getting locked up to re-discover it. I have since developed quite a fondness for the message of Ecclesiastes. It's recurring theme of "everything having an appointed time" is something that I ponder alot, expecially considering the events that were to follow. Eventually I was released and was put on probation. Things with my current girlfriend were deterorating and around that time I started a myspace account and began writing blogs. I enjoy writing and the advice given to anyone who wants to write as a profession is to write every day. So I set a goal to write a blog entry ever day and I stuck with it for a few months. The mojority of those first blogs dealt with my relationship with my girlfriend at the time and the eventual breakup but along the way I was looking at other people's profiles and inviting them to read my blog. One of these people was a woman from Indiana. She began reading my entries and soon after we started communicating via email and on the phone. I finally broke up with my girfriend and got my own apartment. I hadn't lived by myself in many years and was feeling proud of myself. Shortly after this Lori (the girl from Indiana) and I started dating. As luck would have it she had to travel from Indiana to Illinois once a week to go to class. I was 2 and a half hours from her home in Indiana and an hour from where she went to school so, every Saturday night she would drive and stop in Springfield, we'd spend the night together and then all day Sunday then Monday afternoon she would drive to her father's house and go to school later that night, then drive back, we'd spend Monday night together and then Tuesday morning she would drive back to Indiana. Things were going well and not a month after we first met she proposed to me. I accepted and so now we're engaged. She is an absolutely incredible woman, bright, funny, compassionate, determined and she has taken quite an interest in my experience with the JW's and my family. Then came February. On February 9th her father passed away from a massive heart attack. Her relationship with him had been strained but within the last year they had grown closer than ever before. I traveled with her to her father's home town for the funeral and when I returned I noticed that I had received an email from, of all people, my older brother. All it contained was a link to an online obituary. It turns out that my grandfather (not a JW) had passed away the same day that we were having the funeral for Lori's dad. The online obituary had a link to sign an "online guestbook" and so I did. I put my phone numbers and my email address on there, not thinking much of it. A few days later, however, I received an email from my cousin. She and I had not spoken in many years, actually, around the time I got disfellowshipped, I assumed that no one in my family, JW or otherwise, would want anything to do with me, so I never attempted to contact any of them and I surmised that since none of them tried to contact me, that I was correct in my assumptions. I was wrong. Through that email I have since reconnected with my cousins and my Aunts and Uncles, none of whom are JW's, and have been given a blessing and a sterling example of what true Christianity is all about. They have welcomed me back with no reservations and have even gone out of their way to help me right some of the things in my life that I have been struggling with for years. But my "run-ins" with my siblings have not quite gone away. It turns out that at the time of my mother's death (in 1989) my grandmother had purchased a life insurance policy on her. The proceeds of which, following her death, were split four ways and placed in trust until we reached a certain age. My other 3 siblings received their trust money back in 2001 but, since my Aunts and Uncles didn't know how to reach me and because my siblings had "written me off" I never received mine. I have since found out that my sister had actually attempted to convince my grandmother to sign over my trust so that I couldn't get my hands on it. Her reasoning was that, if I had access to the money, I most likely would have squandered it and, thinking back, she was probably right. That much was a bit of a blessing but the fact that she tried to intercede really torques me. But my siblings have sunk much lower than that. From what I understand, once my grandmother died back in 2004 my Aunts and Uncles went through her belongings and found a couple of boxes of things that had belonged to my mother. Most of the contents were documents, pictures, things of that nature. Apparently, however, there were also some diaries included among her belongings. As I understand, about 8 in all. I was almost overwhelmed by this revelation. I lost my mother when I was 14 and that loss has plagued me from that day on. Now, all of a sudden, I am being informed that my mother had kept diaries. I was quite anxious to have an opportunity to read them. I talked to the lady that "adopted" us after my mother's death shortly after learning this and asked her to relay a message to the three of them that I was interested in having a copy of these diaries. She assured me she would pass on the message and that was that. A few weeks went by and I called her back and asked her if she had mentioned that to them because I had heard nothing further and she assured me that she had and that she would remind them. I was very polite and said if they wanted to just send me copies that would be fine. She agreed, but I found out soon after that from my Aunt that all three of them had read the diaries and it hadn't "gone well." Apparently my big brother read all of the diaries but my little brother and sister had only read a portion of the first one and decided they wanted nothing more to do with them. From what I understand the contents were so disturbing to my sister that she nearly got hysterical. It then occured to me that perhaps they would let me see the diaries, but that they would censor them beforehand and I told Nancy (the lady who adopted us who's husband is also an elder) to warn them that if they altered my mother's diaries in any way I would never forgive them. They decided instead (by committee, as I understand it) that I would not be given access to the diaries. During this whole time I didn't contact my siblings directly for fear that they might get upset and decide to just burn the diaries which they did threaten to do at one point. What they finally all decided was that it wasn't fair that they had access to the diaries and I didn't so they agreed to give the diaries to a thrid party for safe keeping so they would no longer have access to them. I have no way of knowing what is contained in those diaries but I suspect it is something that schocked their JW sensibilities. I cannot help but surmise that their religious beliefs have a bearing on their decision to keep these diaries from me and knowing this just sickens me. As my cousin pointed out "Aaron, they just don't want you to heal." I couldn't agree more, and I suppose that is one of the "fruitages of the spirit" that I missed when I read the bible.
ZeroKool29
JoinedPosts by ZeroKool29
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Update on my story...
by ZeroKool29 ini posted my story on here a couple of years ago, i'm sure if you look on my profile you can find links to those original threads.
suffice it to say alot has happened since that time.
i would like to say that i have been visiting this site daily looking for encouragement and fellowship but that hasn't been the case.
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Which DEADLY SIN are you?
by MerryMagdalene in.
http://quizilla.com/users/kazerin/quizzes/which%20deadly%20sin%20do%20you%20represent%3f%20(angel%20sanctuary%20pics)/
yikes!
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ZeroKool29
i thought it would have been sloth. hmmm.
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Tough day -- my mom died today
by cruzanheart inpoor thing, she's had alzheimer's for about 10 years and the last year she's been on hospice care because she's been so close to death.
the past few months she's been slowly filling up with water -- they gave her lasix (not sure of the spelling) to relieve the edema and it worked, sort of.
last weekend she actually looked a little better.
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ZeroKool29
Nina and Tex,
I haven't been on in a long while and to log back in to such news.....I know I don't know you, but how can you be human and not feel sympathy?
As someone who has dealt with the death of a mother I can tell you this, both of you:
You are handling your children's grief with grace and honesty. I don't feel like I was allowed to properly grieve for my mother's death and I wonder how my life might possibly be different if I had been. In a Freudian type of way, I got fixated in that stage of my life, I feel, and it's still a big hurdle and I think that the way you have handled your children and their connection to this event so far is spot on.
Anyway, for what it's worth, my condolences and hang in there. Your mother seemed like a lovely woman.
Aaron
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Where are you on the map? New Maps
by Lady Lee inok there are so many americans on the map now i had to split you all in half.. valis was kind enough to let me place the maps on his website until i found a new home for them.. photobucket seems to be a good option - at least for now.
so i have uploaded the new maps which have been updated to include everyone who has asked.. so if you were wondering where we are from.
or how close you are to other jwd posters in your area just take a look.
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ZeroKool29
i'd like to be added.
I'm in Springfield, Illinois.
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DRUGS!
by new light ini have a confession.
when i returned to the jw's a few years ago, i was on drugs.
years, but one especially heavy acid trip sent me searching for god, and i thought i found him with the dubs.
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ZeroKool29
"Anyway, I prefer life clear headed and sober these days and have in my mind certainty about what I do or do not want to do, unlike when I was a witness having just a notion that these things were all "bad" but not really knowing why. The best education you can get is to find out for yourself." I truly appreciate that portion of your post. You can be told about and read all the WTS literature about the dangers of alcohol but being sheltered doesn't fully impress the dangers upon you.
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Changing Your Pradigm.
by ZeroKool29 innoise and silence
our critique began as all critiques begin.
with doubt.
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ZeroKool29
NOISE AND SILENCE
Our critique began as all critiques begin. With doubt. Doubt became our narrative. Ours was a quest for a new story, our own. And we grasped toward this new history driven by the suspicion that ordinary language couldn't tell it. Our past appeared frozen in the distance and our every gesture and accent signified the negation of the old world and the reach for a new one. The way we lived created a new situation, one of exuberance and friendship, that of a subversive micro-society, in the heart of a society which ignored it. Art was not the goal but the occasion and the method for locating our specific rhythm and buried possibilities of our time. And discovering that true communication was what it was about, or at least the quest for such a communication, the adventure of finding it and losing it, we the unappeased, the unaccepting, continued looking, filling in the silences with our own wishes, fears and fantasies. Driven forward by the fact that no matter how empty the world seemed, no matter how degraded and used up the world appeared to us, we knew that anything was still possible, and given the right circumstances, a new world was just as likely as an old one.
TO BEGIN AGAIN FROM THE BEGINNING
I hope that you read that passage. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, may I reccomend renting, watching, studying and meditating on the movie that the above segment comes from? It is called Waking Life and I wish that every single JW in the world; in fact, every person in the world, would watch it. It is a work of art, it is touching, it is thought provoking. It is, in a scant couple of hours, a primer for philosophy and the contemplation of our existence. I like the passage above because it kind of sums up how I feel being an x-JW. It also touches on a philosophy that I have come to embrace. That of the uncertainty of life and what lies beyond. I think that, accepting such a philosophy, in essence, negates organized religion, or exclusive doctrines. In short, the great uncertainty in life is death and what lies beyond it, if anything. That is ultimately, the one question that holds no conclusive answer for us, as humans. In the absence of such a certainty, or objective, agreed-upon universal truth, there is only theories, conjecture and notions predicated on faith. The way I tend to look at it now is this : If the future is uncertain, if there is no verifiable, conclusive explaination of what happens to us when we die, then why is one person's theory any more or less likely than anyone elses? The same can be said about alot of things in life. Say you have a date. You go on the date, but you are worried that it will turn out badly. The thing is, you won't know how it turns out until the date's over, right? Since that is the case, and the future outcome is uncertain, why is it more likely that the date will turn out bad than good? Or vice versa? In the uncertainty of the future, the scale of the outcome is level. No one owns the exclusive rights to the secrets of humanity and existence and that is what allows us, as humans, to excercise our abilities to reason, to think, to grow in understanding, to use philosophy to sort out the existence we are a party too. To fail to do such things, or to subjugate our rational abilities in favor of a pre-packaged, blanket solution for all of humanities ills, to give up on human kind having the capacity to work out and solve it's own problems and instead give over all responsibility and with it any guilt or acclaim to God, and wait for him to take care of everything...who has the temerity to write off the human race like that? I would like to close with another little piece from that movie Waking Life. It is very honest and it touches on everything when you think about it. And it gives us an idea of what it will take for true and lasting change to ever take place.
You can't fight city hall. Death and taxes. Don't talk about politics or religion. This is all the equivalent of enemy propaganda rolling across the picket line. Lay down GI, lay down GI. We saw it all through the 20th century. And now in the 21st century, it's time to stand up and realize that we should not allow ourselves to be crammed into this rat maze. We should not submit to dehumanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned about what's happening in this world. I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control, those that control my life and those that seek to control it even more. I want freedom. That's what I want. And that's what you should want. It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose of just some of the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities, because that's their central mode of control. Make us feel pathetic, small, so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty, our liberty, our destiny. We have got to realize that we're being conditioned on a mass scale. Start challenging this corporate slave state. The 21st century is going to be a new century. Not the century of slavery, not the century of lies and issues of no significance, of classism, of statism, and all the rest of the modes of control. It's going to be the age of human kind standing up for something pure and something right. Not a bunch of garbage: liberal, democrats, conservative, republican, it's all there to control us, it's two sides of the same coin. Two management teams bidding for control, the CEO job of Slavery, Incorporated! The truth is out there in front of you, but they lay out this buffet of lies. I'm sick of it! And I'm not going to take a bite of it. Do you got me? Our existence is not futile. We're going to win this thing. Humankind is too, good. We're not a bunch of underachievers. We're going to stand up, and we're going to be human beings. We're going to get fired up about the real things, the things that matter, creativity and the dynamic human spirit that refuses to submit. Well that's it. That's all I got to say.
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JW Urban Legends 2
by ZeroKool29 inwow!
thanks for all of your replies to my last topic!
since it was so popular i thought we could use another one.
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ZeroKool29
I am encouraged now, though. I went to visit my son recently, he's 6 and he lives with his grandma. Anyway, I went to thei house and, lo and behold, I saw a copy of Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring in their video cabinet!!!!! I was astounded! Especially considering that her husband is an elder, and the video cabinet in question is in the living room WHERE THEY HAVE THE BOOK STUDY every monday night! I asked her about it one day. She said "Well, to be honest, I saw that it was getting alot of awards and people were saying how good it is. And then I figured, there's really nothing on that movie that they don't do on Power Rangers and stuff. And I let him watch THAT. SO I bought it." I guess there's hope after all.
Ever remember the WT and AWAKE! condemning BY NAME a band called Deicide? I must have haerd them mentioned 10 times or more. Deicide meaning "murder of a god." The lead singer, they said, had a scar from an accident in the shape of an inverted crucifix, that he say he hates Jehovah, and that he worships the Devil. I mark it a a step in my removal from the troof that I visited that band's website recently and read the lead-singer's bio.
By the way, here is a list of terms and their JW translation, for all of you who want to know:
Smurf = Little Demon
Pokemon = Satan's Erect Penis
Digimon = The Foul Rectum of Lucifer
Romper Room = The Fecund Realm of Beelzebub
Just to name a few.
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lies?? (feel free to express your opinions)
by blink sk8 inhey guys,.
while i was at the meeting at the kingdom hall, (oh so fun!....
) the person giving the sunday talk was talking about paradise and how wonderful it will be.. while trying not to fall asleep it hit me... what happens when the earth fills up with people in paradise?
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ZeroKool29
Here's something I've never been able to share with some x-jw's, but I am glad someone posted the "what about the earth filling up" thing. And, amazingly enough, I didn't have this conversation until AFTER I was DF'd.
One day me and my df'd friend Dan were sitting in our apartment, we'd just smoked some pot and we started talking about the Bible, and Ecclesiastes, and then we started rattling off some post-Armageddon theories. This was a conversation that was based on JW doctrine but loose and inclusive in a way that never would have flown in the JW KH setting.
We started talking about the earth eventually being filled up, because we were taught that humans would not stop pro-creating during the millenial reign and on into eternity. Then we started thinking, right now humans are said to only be using a small portion of our brain's total capacity. What if (a question JW's don't like much), What if, during the 1000 year reign as we progress toward perfection we learn how to travel faster and farther distances, interstellar travel. We were also taught that man would not revert back to a lower level of technology so that fit in the realm of JW doctrine. So, once the earth gets filled, then we make preperations and move to another planet. we terraform the planet, make it livable and then people go there and eventually THAT planet gets filled up. And so on and so on until humans are on every planet in every solar system in every galaxy in the whole universe. But that would take a LONG time, would it not? Who cares!? It's eternity, right? And what if, during that expansion and colonization process, as we continue to grow and expand our minds, we begin to develop into beings that can accomplish things by thought, by will, maybe we can fly? Maybe we've learned how to teleport? What if we advanced SO far that we ceased to exist as we do now and became beings of pure energy? Like angels? ANd what if, once that happens, we all, an entire UNIVERSE of energy beings, coalesced and became a part of this once immense, unfathomable universal being known as God? Jehovah? Would it not make you realize why the bible calls God "a happy God?" And who's to say that would be the first time that such a thing had ever happened?
Again, who knows, right? IN the uncertainty of it all, one eventuality is just as likely as any other, but it sure made sense at the time, and since that time, I've never looked at things quite the same. It was nice being able to just rattle of possibilities and just to speculate and that, I think, it something that is missing from JW's and other organized religions everywhere. In that moment, Dan and I regained some of childish wonder and our enthusiasm, and that, to me, would be what I would want my creation to do, if I were God. I would want them to be happy trying to make sense out of the mystery of their lives, not being instructed and browbeaten and de-humanized. Just some of my thoughts.
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JW Urban Legends 2
by ZeroKool29 inwow!
thanks for all of your replies to my last topic!
since it was so popular i thought we could use another one.
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ZeroKool29
Wow! Thanks for all of your replies to my last topic! Since it was so popular I thought we could use another one. Like Jomavrick pointed out, te Smurfs. Ahhhhh yes, the Smurfs. I'm sure we all remember that we were told that the word Smurf meant "little demon." I certainly was, and I was not allowed to watch that show growing up. I don't know if that explains why I've never liked the Smurfs, or if I never would have liked them. They always struck me as stupid. Anyway, a couple of years ago, I had occasion to go shopping with my son and his nanna. This was the woman who raised me and my siblings for many years in the troof. She recalls the "little demon" story. ANYWAY, my son sees some Pokemon merchandise and starts to ask about it. His nanna turns to him and says, so help me,
"Zachary, what did we learn about Pokemon? Pokemon means 'little demon.'"
I looked at her, mouth agape and said "HEY! I thought SMURF meant little demon!" She had no reply to this.
And what about K.I.S.S. standing for something sinister? Anyone remember what AC/DC supposedly meant?
Does anyone remember a little side-bar article in the Awake! about the movie E.T. and whether the filmmaker was trying to portray E.T. as a Christ figure with it's healing touch, etc?
And why is it that JW's everywhere will refuse to go see a wizard in a movie levitate things with his magic staff and some incantation, and yet they find nothing at all wrong with watching Yoda levitate things using "the force?" It's like, you can have any type of magic you want so long as it is depicted under the banner of science fiction, then somehow it's allright.
What about all of those "experiences" we used to hear about? These "true" stories about people who, because of the WTS's desire not to make one person sound more important than anyone else, could not be named? The most they could narrow it down to was "a brother in Africa."?????????????? I remember being told one about this "quick build" project was in desperate need of sand and there was a huge pile of it in the adjacent lot, but there was a fence seperating the lots and the owner of the lot was fiercely opposed to JW's. The JW's were meek and asked repeatedly to be allowed to buy the sand and the man refused and ridiculed them. One night, this freak storm pops up and in the morning every ounce of sand has been magically transferred from the opposers lot to the JW's lot. Or what about the "2 pioneers in Africa" who encountered a witch doctor who was trying a spell on them , they shout "Jehovah is stronger than you." at the man, and he falls to his back as if he was shoved down. They actually put THAT "experience" in one of thei publications, I forget which one. If anyone remembers please tell me. I remember seeing an illustration of it. An "artists rendering" of the event.
I'm pretty much out. Please, feel free to share. I'm sure freded will be all "I was THERE when those 2 African pioneers yelled at....I saw it all...." Just kidding. Later all!
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JW Urban Legends
by ZeroKool29 ini was once told that john denver (folk singer of songs like rocky mountain high and such) was on the tonight show one night.
he was a huge patriot and apparently had no love whatsoever for jw's.
apparently as the story goes, john gets up to sing a patriotic song and before he begins tells the audience "if there are any jehovah witnesses in the audience, you may want to leave right now.
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ZeroKool29
I was once told that John Denver (folk singer of songs like Rocky Mountain High and such) was on the Tonight Show one night. He was a huge patriot and apparently had no love whatsoever for JW's. Apparently as the story goes, John gets up to sing a patriotic song and before he begins tells the audience "If there are any Jehovah Witnesses in the audience, you may want to leave right now." And then he sings his song. When he's done and goes to the couch to chat with Johnny, Carson apparently says "I want you to know something. You see that camera guy? He's a JW, and so is that lighting guy and so are a bunch of people on my staff. I hire them because they are honest and hard working. And now, I'd like YOU to leave." all on national television. I heard years later that Leno pulled the same thing with Clint Black (country singer) another apparently anti-JW person.
Has anyone else ever heard these stories? Are they true? Do you know any other stories that you heard when you were in the troof? Please share!