Damn. Your post brought a tear to my eye, and I'm handing this off to my wife to read as we drive to our next job. I can echo so much of what you said. These apostates aren't so evil after all. It was an eye opener to me that when I finally got the guts to visit a site like this I saw people echoing what I felt inside. I knew then that apostates weren't mentally diseased evil people. They were just awake.
I want to send you the biggest bug. I too struggled my whole life to develop that magical "relationship with Jehovah". What I found was that for most of was a romanticized figment of their emotional needs. It wasn't really founded on much. I could never get there and beat myself up for it. I thought I must be a horrible person. Nope, I'm just not easily fooled. I was never cult material even though I was deep in it.
You can never go back. This is where you build your new life. It hurts so much to lose your family, and you had a wonderful one, but they're very sick. The only way to get them back is to become sick yourself. You deserve better than that. They do too, but it is up to them to get well.