@Ponyo - Of course you we're beating yourself up with the other replies. They we're designed to shame you, just like the JWs would do. Guilt is "I did a bad thing" and is healthy because it helps us set boundaries and learn lessons. Shame is "I am a bad person" and is totally destructive and no more inherently true than the concept of original sin that makes us all bad people that owe something to a deity.
You've been mislead and it sucks. My wife and I had to admit that to ourselves and it hurts to feel like we we're pranked for decades. We we're all in as JWs but the lack of true love and the fact that it was all extremely conditional helped wake us up. Read the Biblical description of love and compare it to these JWs that will judge you and drop you in a heartbeat. It is much greater love when you can love people that are different than you. It's harder, but that's much greater than love expressed only to those exactly like you in a cult.
You should definitely get help, like a psych. If you're open and honest in this process of exploring long held beliefs you're about to go through grief and there are stages. It is tough, but the freedom on the other side is worth it. I say this tongue in cheek, but watch what you ask for. I and many here ended up an atheist after actually examining what we were taught.
Once I saw that the organization wasn't true I realized that it was all built on a book that I and billions of people assumed to be truthful from the beginning without question. Upon questioning the Bible soon fell apart too. If it is true that artifacts older than Adam and Eve are out there, and Adam and Eve's story is therefore incorrect, there is no original sin nor need for a Redeemer. The Bible starts out with figurative creative days in which plants are created before the sun which is backward, a literal talking snake, and a flaming sword protecting Eden when swords hadn't been invented then. A very auspicious beginning, no? When you step back and take a thousand foot view of the book just like you might do with something like the Book of Mormon, it all starts crumbling down for many of us. For others it doesn't and that is fine too, but it should all be looked at. Don't just stop after looking at the JWs themselves. Freedom is never free. There's always a price to pay. Get people like a therapist in your corner if you can. We are all here to help too, well, some of us anyway.
