Posts by azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

mommy like i said i have not labeled myself as a prostitute you and tina have decided to start classifying me as that

if it wasnt for women like you i would be out of busines, 95% of my client base is your average happily married man,

men tired of being humiliated and emotionally and physically blackmailed by women

i'm sure you and your kind can spot those kinds of whoremongering men on sight though,

forgive me if because from where i am i can't, they all look the same to me, average, normal, guys next door

or guys who sit on judicial committees

if thats the case, then we are all prostitutes, some of us are just honest about it

these are the things we are afraid to admit to ourselves

i'm a loving mother of two adorable children trying to get by the best she can in a world full of people who cant seem to accept each other as they are but have to label them into derogatory categories

thats what i'm so upset about, thinking that the world is possibly full of people like that

i'm also a human being and i can still look at myself in the mirror believe it or not

i know exactly what i am doing,why and under what circumstances, i'm sorry if the complexity of my life story does not conform to yours or anyone elses here validation criteria

i'm sorry if my story doesn't add up, i'm sure it doesn't seeing how i've hardly begun to tell it

my clients stories don't add up either so in that regard maybe i'm not so alone

thankyou for confirming all my fears about posting here

azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

rochelle, fact is far stranger than fiction

lovesdubs, i'm screwing half a dozen guys or more a night, eight hours a night, five nights a week for cash and i'm not feeling enough guilt?

are you the person i need to come to here to be told the measure of guilt i'm feeling and whether or not it's enough to warrant your sympathy?

funny i think i've heard that story before but it was inside a judicial committee

thank you for informing me of your role here, upsetting as it is to me to quite clearly see that in what you have written

trevor, thank you for the poem it almost exactly expresses how i feel

azzazel

i've hardly even touched on a minute fraction of my life, the depths of depravity i feel i've sunken to and yet the reason why, the choices i made were the only option open at the time and these are the feelings i'm torn between, what i thought i was and what i found out i was due to a set of irreversible circumstances, which went up in smoke one by one until i got to where i am now

whith an impossible chance as my only one

and taking it

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

tina, when did I call myself a prostitute?

no you labeled me that, send it to print as a sticker and I'll wear stuck to my forehead if it makes you feel better

I'll continue to see myself as a complete human being

thankyou azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

how come i knew you were going to tell me that again, like you told me that again tina?

I am azzazel the scapegoat of all you'll never acknowledge exists within your own soul

thank you azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

how come i knew you were going to tell me that, like you told me that tina?

I am azzazel the scapegoat of all you'll never acknowledge exists within your own soul

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

comf nice try but I'm not about to tell you my story

but lets just say when you know how it feels to be a woman left alone in the world, with herself and two young children to feed, not a hope in hell of getting a job , so far in the red your about to get thrown out on the street with nowhere to go,

the only god that’s going to save you is cold hard cash ,

thanks for your comment

when you are a young single african american female parent faced with no other choice in life, in order for herself and her two young children to not live, simply survive one day, one hour, one minute, one second

has had to not care who she has sex with than I will take you seriously

that’s when you start to learn a few things about who is and who isn't getting by

who is still faking it, pretending there's a part of themselves that doesn't exist

who cant accept the complete reality of life because it includes things they'd rather not believe could possibly exist within

exist within themself or oneself and by default another of their kind - a human

but there are certain things in life that just cant be boxed into those cramped kind of conditions

into the box your using to classify me, categorize me,

label me already when you dont even know me as

:a martyr

i dont and wont fit into it i'm sorry

some things are hard to get used to

like reality

there's always more to it than what meets the eye isn't there?

well I suppose you could say that I'm one of those it's, living breathing 100% satisfaction money back guarantee

there's much more to me than what meets the eye

it's just that I made the mistake of thinking everybody knew the same about themselves

and could admit it, you know someone like you comf,

i've forgotten more than you'll ever know about this board

believe me i read it loud and clear as i read you

thankyou azzazel

ps. neither me nor my family were ever really a popular family in the congregation

i think it was because we didn't go out if the field service very much

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

thank you bug eye and all of you with your kind words so far

I did not mean to be harsh in naming the people I did by name and my making observations of their personalities, I chose them as merely the most obvious examples

you see one thing I am good at now, after having to put myself what I put myself through, faced with the reality of my present unique circumstances and situation ,

is the ability to see the people who are afraid to face the darkness within themselves

I can see those people much more easily now

after this experience, this insight, this vision into the darkness capable of my own soul I guess you could call it

and you cant see that, you are blind to that vision of your own darkness until you have had to confront it within yourself

the heartbreak of having to tear your soul in two and act totally diametrically at odds against everything about yourself you thought you ever believed in

so someone you love can live, well if you love like I love, but it doesn't seem like too many do

that’s what I'm afraid of & that’s what I'm scared of

that no one hear can say they love someone that much that they wouldn’t give their own life to save them

they way that i had to

so I have to say that in some ways I do understand and sympathize and feel some compassion for their blindness and ignorance

because going through what I'm going through and have gone through, despite the insights and the vision

well it's not something I would too readily wish upon another

forgive my hesitations and fears, but for the moment I would rather not correspond with anyone here in private emails

also i do not wish to go into chat because my story is so shocking i know some will want to become morally superior if i begin to tell it

i've seen them do it enough on their posts here to know that that will happen

i have no reason so far to believe that anyone here has had to do what i have done and still continue to do

i have no reason so far to believe that anyone here has had to make decisions based on my set of circumstances

and of that, like i said, i am so very much afraid

but thankyou for your kindness in offering, azzazel

ps. I was sixteen and unmarried when I had my first child and yet i fear there will be those who mock my sincerity

i feel so naked and so vulnerable.

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

thank you tmh - you see i did what i did and what i have to still do out of love and yet the brothers, to use one of their terms, imputed wrong motives saying i was motivated by evil and wickedness and sin

its easy to impute a wrong motive when you are not standing in the others shoes

as i said my motive has always been and will always be my deep love for my children

what i am doing to survive must remain my secret until i decide to tell it

not even my family knows what i'm doing, thats whats hard, having no one to talk to

to have someone to talk to, i can trust, thats all i need right now
i feel so hopelessly alone and isolated within, azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

thank you for your welcome hippikon, so far you seem nice, thats one nice person i've met here, but i'm not easily fooled by appearences

i know the true test of everyones friendship and support will come once i tell my story

because that story is one of human nature and the darkness of human nature when faced with a life and death situation and no seeming way out but to take the dark course

where one has put oneself through hell just to survive one day for the sake of the ones they love

so far from what i've read here it seems no one has really had to experience and put themselves through what i had to do in order to simply survive as a lone parent in this dog eat dog world

i am scared for myself, my children and to even begin to tell my story here and yet somewhere within me, given similar circumstances, i can't see how any loving mother would have failed to have done the same as myself

what i did was the last thing i ever dreamed someone like me would do but i was left with no other option

i cry alone at night as i watch my babys sleep, i cry filled with so much guilt and torment over what i'm doing

but i know that right now there's simply no other way we're going to make it

thank you hippikon, azzazel

106

new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel in

jw
friends

hullo everybody i'm new here, even though i've been lurking now for several months.. i have to say how afraid i am to post, afraid and ashamed but i feel if i dont tell my story, i honestly dont know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now i feel like i've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.. i know my story will shock you but i cant keep it in any longer.

i am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation, .

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing.

azzazel

hullo everybody I'm new here, even though I've been lurking now for several months.

I have to say how afraid I am to post, afraid and ashamed but I feel if I don’t tell my story, I honestly don’t know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now I feel like I've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.

I know my story will shock you but I cant keep it in any longer. I am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation,

during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing

no all that mattered was the good name of the congregation

I honestly cannot imagine christ humiliating me the way I was humiliated during my "trial and judgement" by those "shepherds" - why even christ befriended prostitutes didn’t he?

I'm a single widowed mother with two adorable young children, a boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5, to bring up in this world I am also still quite relatively young and yes , beautiful.

my husband died a slow horrible death from cancer, he was diagnosed not long after we were baptised. his condition got so bad that we ended up on social security as he could no longer work and I had to stay home and care for him.

beside we married young and I have no real job skills, does that make me unintelligent though?

because of not being able to get to the meetings or out in field service we were soon labelled as weak ones spiritually and avoided by almost the entire congregation

the brothers and sisters no longer seemed to care for us any longer once we were baptised

maybe this is because they could no longer count time on us, I don’t know and I don’t wish to appear cynical but after our baptism things did seem to change and we were treated a lot more cooly

but anyway like I said, I'm afraid to post here, I've seen scapegoating on this board as well, just like at the kh so I'm not sure if things are really all they are cracked up to be here in terms of a support group.

i know some people here in particular wont like my observations of themselves

but i've been watching, wondering, should i dare to post?

will i at least find one sympathetic ear, one friend in this world who will simply listen and not judge

I've noticed mommy, tina, farkel and wasasister in particular are major scapegoaters.

trevor and larc's so called psychological "advice", which i've read on the depression forum, seems to be, well lets say a little thin on the ground to say the least. i would never actively seek out their dangerous poorly conceived opinions

expecially when dealing with the totality of human nature this has been at least the one positive from having to go through what i'm going through

abstract opinions dont count for too much in the face of the harsh reality of being penniless and yet responsible for two young helpless thoroughly dependant lives

the same goes for someone like janh, but from a different perspective it seems to me, like so many witnesses all he has to hang onto is his rather flimsy logic, reasoning and purely mental hypothetical abstractions

whatever gets you through the night I suppose but people like him seem just as extreme in the other direction as the witnesses in the opposite.

in other words totally unbalanced, I know he's going to get very upset about me making this observation , telling him how I see him from my point of view and will flip out and abuse me

thats what i'm afraid of

and just like at the kingdom hall everybody else seems to want knife you in the back at the slightest provocation with condemnatory judgemental opinions based entirely on speculation and assumption

and rules about what constitutes believability when confronted with in particular the story of a life lived beyond the realms of their own experience

(though to be fair I do admit there are exceptions and some genuinely nice people here but they seem a little less vocal than the scapegoaters unfortunately)

if I can handle my lonliness I think I'll be ok, i'm so depressed and at my wits end though i'm not sure

maybe my kids will be better off without me

i dont feel like i can turn to god in prayer, the witnesses have completely ruined that for me, i'm unworthy and dishonorable to god in their opinion and right now i cant seem to escape from thinking that way about myself too - they have me believing it myself

I might have to wait and see what sort of reception I get here before I pour my heart and soul out to complete strangers and tell my story

thank you for listening so far, my real true friends if you are out there listening (I hope) azzazel.