It is amazing to be in a room where all eyes have noticed you, yet no-one looks at you. One sister was disobedient when I entered the hall, a genuine look of delight entered her face and she said what a surprise it was to see me. We exchanged pleasantries, and she complimented me on my hair. Lol.
Also, one brother was obviously new as he introduced himself to me, lol. I was supposed to come in after or during the song. Naturally I didn?t, I came five minutes early, and so all people noticed me. I looked at all those people I had once known, who had been part of my life, feeling?.well, weird. Tho I was hugely pleased to notice my best JW friend wasn?t there, she was unhappy with the religion when I left, apparently, hopefully, she still is.
I was not alone in the ?condemned? bench. A DF-brother came in at the appropriate time, and sat down next to me. He was not all together bad looking, what a shame? And gawd, I felt so sorry for him. He was not making eye-contact with anyone (well, nor did I, but I at least tried and made quite a few people look uncomfortably at their shoes) and was sitting demure in his place.
Just after the meeting started I nearly blew my cover, when i reached for my bible out of my bag, and my ciggies fell out?. ooops?.. My gawd, the talks were soooo boring! It was the service meeting, and one of the speaker was the creepy P.O. I did not understand what that man was talking about. A sure sign that Jah?s spirit is no longer upon me, helping me to understand the gibberish uttered on the stage?
I entered the hall ready and willing for a confrontation, full of fire and desire to do something, to make a point, perhaps even to get even. Looking around me I felt anger, the desire the stand up and scream at these people who had given me love and a feeling of belonging and safety ? only to rip that away from me, only to cast me out. And for what? My sin had been to doubt, and to let my doubts be known. And so theyt wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
But while I had these visions of storming up to the podium and push the speaker away, as Gumby suggested ?. A feeling of sadness overcame me. This, a new feeling to me. Not a personal sadness, but a sadness for these people, and all residues of anger I had faded away. They live in a shell, shut off from the world, like children. Never really living their life, never really knowing what joy, happiness, love and true friendship is.
And I realized something? I can actually forgive them. I can let all this behind me, and let it go. And I will.
I felt the desire to stand up and leave, right there and then.
And I did.
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Blue Bubblegum Girl (who is proud of walking out, but bummed due to the fact that she didn't get her mags... all that for nothing!)