My cousin was conducting the Watchtower Study and for some reason skipped a paragraph. So his wife caught his eye and began mouthing the words "You skipped a paragraph" and he finally seemed to understand her. He left the platform and walked to the back of the hall to check his zipper.
When he returned to the platform, he had finally got it and told everyone "Skipped sounds a lot like zipped".
One brother who was a total dumbass was giving a demonstration on the Service Meeting. Talking to the "householder", he read a scripture and went to offer the literature. Instead of placing his Bible back in his briefcase, he held it between his thighs while offering the literature. Me and my mom just lost it.
(it never took much to crack the two of us up at meetings)
On some "family" demonstration at a convention once, (Slayer you may remember this one) the family was about to go to the meeting but "mom" decides that since "Little Timmy" is sick they should all stay home. She calls "Little Timmy" and out walks one of the Falconberry brothers, standing a good six feet tall and weighing in probably around 300 pounds trying to keep a straight face. All six thousand people watching laughed so hard I thought the session would end early.
One brother's conluding prayer rambled on so long that one of the elders interrupted the prayer to say "that's enough, brother ------".
mike.
Posts by Bendrr
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116most embarrasing thing ever at a meeting ...
by alliwannadoislive inhey ... i'm just getting into the swing of this great 'apostasy' thing right ... ?
... i thought y'all out there might well have a story or two to tell, so ... plz tell me tell me tell me about the most embarrasing thing you ever saw at a meeting ...
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Bendrr
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116
most embarrasing thing ever at a meeting ...
by alliwannadoislive inhey ... i'm just getting into the swing of this great 'apostasy' thing right ... ?
... i thought y'all out there might well have a story or two to tell, so ... plz tell me tell me tell me about the most embarrasing thing you ever saw at a meeting ...
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Bendrr
The "Pain in the rear" happened in my congregation years ago, we had a family named "Rumph" (pronounced without the 'h') and of course the brother called on "Sister Rumph in the rear" to comment.
Back when we used to actually play the music on records (I can't wait for someone to ask "what's that?") good old Uncle Oliver, the legendary Oliver Reagan, had just finished his public talk. Ok before I get to the record story, his public talk was a hoot.
Even then in the early 80's he was pretty old. He was trying to give an illustration about that little critter that eats nuts and came up with the word "chimpunk" instead of "chipmunk". Well he rambles through the illustration constantly saying chimpunk and finally my grandmother, his neice, hollers out "THAT'S CHIPMUNK, OLIVER!!". He just nods and keeps going, this time saying "chimpunk" just to antagonize her.
Ok, after the talk during the song in between the public talk and watchtower study, I was running the record player and he was standing in front of it singing his heart out. He kept moving back and leaned his elbow right on the record. Everyone turned to look at me and I was struggling to push his arm off the record player, he was still singing.
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What a pretty summer so far!
by Bendrr ini don't know how the weather is everywhere else, but here in dixie, it's been the first bearable summer in as long as i can remember.. it seems as though mother nature took a rest this year, worn out from her years of relentlessly bombarding us with intense heat.
for so long, it seemed as though the spring and summer months, even october, would bring an onslaught of 100+ degree temperatures with record high humidity and only enough rain to turn our evenings into saunas.. then this year came.
so far, the temperature has topped out in the very low 90's and the humidity just hasn't had the enthusiasm of years past.
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Bendrr
I don't know how the weather is everywhere else, but here in Dixie, it's been the first bearable summer in as long as I can remember.
It seems as though Mother Nature took a rest this year, worn out from her years of relentlessly bombarding us with intense heat. For so long, it seemed as though the spring and summer months, even October, would bring an onslaught of 100+ degree temperatures with record high humidity and only enough rain to turn our evenings into saunas.
Then this year came. So far, the temperature has topped out in the very low 90's and the humidity just hasn't had the enthusiasm of years past. Every day has brought constant light winds. Even in July, usually our hottest month of the year, we've had many days that never got out of the upper 80's.
I could be pessimistic and tell you that means us unprepared Southerners are probably in for a brutal winter, but I'm just going to enjoy this little blessing for now.
Y'all have a good night.
mike."Well done, Blind Squirrel! You've found an impressive nut!
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116
most embarrasing thing ever at a meeting ...
by alliwannadoislive inhey ... i'm just getting into the swing of this great 'apostasy' thing right ... ?
... i thought y'all out there might well have a story or two to tell, so ... plz tell me tell me tell me about the most embarrasing thing you ever saw at a meeting ...
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Bendrr
I heard the "forgive us our falling shorts" one before. Pretty funny.
One I can think of right off the bat is a moment I personally had. In the late 70's we used to have a Book Study at our neighbors' house. The seats were those awful folding metal chairs. I was about 7 or 8 but I remember this so clear. During one Book Study, I cut loose with a big fart. It impacted with the seat of the metal chair and the chair only amplified it. The fart sounded like someone was dropping metal ball bearings on the metal chair.
Well, what could we all do except laugh? Even I thought it was funny.
mike."Well done, Blind Squirrel! You've found an impressive nut!
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For Englishman & other Europeans
by Bendrr inok, favorite/most despised cars thread.. i'm a mechanic (undercar) in the states, and american mechanics for the most part really don't like most european cars.
the words saab, renault, and peugot will send most mechanics on an early lunch break that may last into next week or until the car leaves the shop.. a swedish person once joked about skoda cars to me in a chat room.
what do you call a skoda with twin pipes (dual exhaust)?
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For Englishman & other Europeans
by Bendrr inok, favorite/most despised cars thread.. i'm a mechanic (undercar) in the states, and american mechanics for the most part really don't like most european cars.
the words saab, renault, and peugot will send most mechanics on an early lunch break that may last into next week or until the car leaves the shop.. a swedish person once joked about skoda cars to me in a chat room.
what do you call a skoda with twin pipes (dual exhaust)?
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Bendrr
Ok, favorite/most despised cars thread.
I'm a mechanic (undercar) in the States, and American mechanics for the most part really don't like most European cars. The words Saab, Renault, and Peugot will send most mechanics on an early lunch break that may last into next week or until the car leaves the shop.
A Swedish person once joked about Skoda cars to me in a chat room. What do you call a Skoda with twin pipes (dual exhaust)? A wheelbarrow!
So I'd like to know what are the worst cars in Europe? The ones that seem to keep selling in spite of bad reputations for quality. The ones that are a nightmare to work on. That reminds me, I just did a wheel alignment on a Volvo S-70 today, and the way you have to adjust the direction of the rear wheels is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen.
So please tell me your horror stories. I bet I see the name Saab quite a bit.
mike."Well done, Blind Squirrel! You've found an impressive nut!
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Why Its Good To Be A Man!
by ExmormonRobertson inyour last name stays put.. the garage is all yours.. wedding plans take care of themselves.. chocolate is just another snack.. you can be president.. you can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.. car mechanics tell you the truth.. you don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.. the world is your urinal.. you never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just.
too "yucky".. same work... more pay.. wrinkles add character.. wedding dress $5000; tux rental $100.. people never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.. the occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.. new shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.. your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so, notice anything.
one mood, all the time.. phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.. you know stuff about tanks.. a five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. you can open all your own jars.. dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.. you can leave the motel bed unmade.. you can kill your own food.. you get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.. if someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be.
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Bendrr
I love it! I can feel the testosterone in the air!
Reminds me of something I heard so I'll add to my fellow man's thread.
(with credit to the John Boy and Billy Big Show)
Rules for Women:
1. Learn to work the toilet seat! If it is up, don't come tell us about it, just put it down!
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever!
3. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
4. You have enough clothes.
5. You have enough shoes.
6. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
7. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a medical problem, see a doctor!
8. Check your oil!
9. If you want something done, either ask us to do it and let us finish or tell us how you want it done beforehand.
10. We are not always thinking about "THE RELATIONSHIP".
11. The calendar is on the wall for a reason. Mark important dates on it!
12. Foreign films are best left to foreigners!
13. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
14. Don't fake "it". We'd rather be inneffective than deceived.mike.
"Well done, Blind Squirrel! You've found an impressive nut!
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Why Its Good To Be A Man!
by ExmormonRobertson inyour last name stays put.. the garage is all yours.. wedding plans take care of themselves.. chocolate is just another snack.. you can be president.. you can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.. car mechanics tell you the truth.. you don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.. the world is your urinal.. you never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just.
too "yucky".. same work... more pay.. wrinkles add character.. wedding dress $5000; tux rental $100.. people never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.. the occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.. new shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.. your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so, notice anything.
one mood, all the time.. phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.. you know stuff about tanks.. a five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. you can open all your own jars.. dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.. you can leave the motel bed unmade.. you can kill your own food.. you get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.. if someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be.
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Bendrr
I love it! I can feel the testosterone in the air!
Reminds me of something I heard so I'll add to my fellow man's thread.
(with credit to the John Boy and Billy Big Show)
Rules for Women:
1. Learn to work the toilet seat! If it is up, don't come tell us about it, just put it down!
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever!
3. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
4. You have enough clothes.
5. You have enough shoes.
6. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
7. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a medical problem, see a doctor!
8. Check your oil!
9. If you want something done, either ask us to do it and let us finish or tell us how you want it done beforehand.
10. We are not always thinking about "THE RELATIONSHIP".
11. The calendar is on the wall for a reason. Mark important dates on it!
12. Foreign films are best left to foreigners!
13. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
14. Don't fake "it". We'd rather be inneffective than deceived.mike.
"Well done, Blind Squirrel! You've found an impressive nut!
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Cute baby bird story
by Bendrr inyou'll never believe what happened at work this week!
seems a young bird-i think a brown thrasher female-has adopted raffield tire master as her home.
she started off by just walking around the shop poking into all the little corners looking for bugs.
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Bendrr
Englishman, the lady at the bird shop showed me a book with pics of birds and we decided it is probably a Brown Thrasher (Thrush) which is an insect eater, not a seed eater. Brown Thrasher is also the "State Bird" of Georgia, for whatever that is worth. And yes, it leaves messy little turds, which has been pretty funny so far especially when she took a dump on the toolbox of one of my co-workers.
I've had to clean up after her on several customers' vehicles also.
mike."Well done, Blind Squirrel! You've found an impressive nut!
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Name the bird!
by Bendrr infor the story, see my "cute baby bird story" post.. seems that "peckerhead" isn't the best choice for a name.. well, she won't be living at the shop and being a "mascot" or anything so letting my customers name her is pointless and the other guys at the shop won't chip in to buy her food ($3/day for mealworms).
you see what i came up with, so why don't y'all give me some suggestions for a name?.
small, ravenous appetite, sometimes clumsy, and for some unknown reason just loves me to death.. so what do you think?.
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Bendrr
For the story, see my "Cute baby bird story" post.
Seems that "Peckerhead" isn't the best choice for a name.
Well, she won't be living at the shop and being a "mascot" or anything so letting my customers name her is pointless and the other guys at the shop won't chip in to buy her food ($3/day for mealworms). You see what I came up with, so why don't y'all give me some suggestions for a name?
What's she like? Small, ravenous appetite, sometimes clumsy, and for some unknown reason just loves me to death.
So what do you think?
And remember, I'm going to have to tell my momma what the bird's name is! (Another good reason NOT to name her "Peckerhead")
mike."Well done, Blind Squirrel! You've found an impressive nut!