RAF~I do relate so well to your feelings on being strong. I have gone through stretches where I have fought with battles in my head over the same issues of trying to understand or wrap my mind around the same things you speak of to LCL. Often I have wondered if concerning my kids if my being strong enabled the fathers to be weaker men than they are and just walk away. Figuring I am strong and have it under control. I wonder would they truly have abandoned them if I were not there? If I were a weaker woman? Having been told by one when I was venting about doing it alone, justifiably, that I was doing fine. In fact better than when he was around. I always have to wonder WTF are they thinking? How selfish is that? Do they think I WANT to be this strong? Anyhow, before I begin that rant in Oh so many areas, I just basically wanted to say that I truly understand that area of what you wrote.
I feel as though we write of the same thing, but lose a bit in translation. I too live for quality of feeling. That really struck a familiarity with me as did a lot of what you wrote.
So I try again to say it more clear, don't be afraid to have it all in "real life". That is the best way to put it. It does not have to be untouchable. I have read and reread what you have written and there is a reoccuring theme in it. I may be overstepping my bounds by writing this, but it looks as if you don't allow yourself to believe it is attainable to have and keep for you. Like perhaps life has been so hard and you have had to be so strong that your faith has been in your capabilities on yourself, but not so much in your belief that someone else will come through for you. If you keep things in love at a dreamlike level or untouchable and pure level, it is not soiled with ill feelings, you cannot be hurt. Perhaps you have no expectations so thus are not let down. Kind of like a make no demands and you cannot be dissapointed.
I don't know, maybe I am full of it, maybe projecting things I had to work through in simular situations. I think I am getting what you are getting at though. The best I can say is perhaps if you could see yourself as others do, (as I have come to see you) and I barely know you through this little screen and a keyboard, you would see what a truly amazing person you are. Although I am sure you are confident and strong and all of the things a person strives to be and you probably do this standing on your head and do them better than most, perhaps somewhere in there deep seeing you seem to do things so deeply...you truly need to see that whatever your mom and dad said out of inconcideration, or bad thought process.....it was wrong. That load should not have been put on you. You should not have been made to carry that load. You can't change that was what happened, but you can change what you carry now. You can let yourself accept that others don't have to carry it alone and people are willing to come into our lives and be there for us. Such as this man you met. You are allowed to be a weaker person and that is not a bad thing. You can let someone in and they can be close and you can be vulnerable and you will not break.
It is kind of like deprogramming oneself from being strong. They (whoever) should not have forced you to be unnaturally strong. You know, using a conditioner. Softening up. It is hard on other people at first because people who feel so deep have a lot in there. People who have been so strong have deep things. But people like you also have so much to add to anothers life that it is not a burden. I noted you said that you did not want to put that on anyone. Take a look girl, anyone that gets what you give gets someone who has truly lived and if they are awake enough to notice you are not this strong creature and they can see past the veneer and see that you have this side that needs the same as anyone else and allows you to do it when you are ready, then that probably is the kind of person that has the makeup that would appreciate and thrive in the gifts you have to offer. A person who would appreciate quality of life with you.
Now I don't know this man, but I do know that even if this were something you tried and missed on, I would think that perhaps actually living and trying would feel so good and alive to a person as you then safe and empty bags of air. (feelings not completed or held safe and untainted at a distance instead of close and "in life") You can give yourself the same chances you would anyone else. Now if I missed the point completely, tell me to bug off.
What do I know, I am still learning to give myself chances...lol
