Hi this is my first post and I would like to tell my story. I have followed the some of the discussions on this baord for a while.
Let me introduce myself. I am Inday, that is just my nick name, the name people call me normally. I will not tell my whole name because I do not know who is here on the board. I am from a asian country, not very rich. Forgive me my bad english, as we use a lot of english here but it I have other language normally.
I grow up as a whitness in a big whitness family. My grandfather had already found the truth. My family is big, more then 200 people of my family are in the truth. Anyway, I was raised by my father and mother but my father was always not at home and we were poor, so it was not a very easy life. My father was a pioneer and an elder. But since we were poor, and he did not bring in any money my mother had to work very hard and was not able to support the children that well. There were lot of times that we had only plain rice to eat. At the age of 14 I started to work also in a factory to help my mother to support the other children.
I wish that I could have had more education, but I had to help out financially. Then I started pioneering also. (O yes I was badtised when I was 12 already). This was very tired to work and pioneer. Later I switched Job and became salesgirl and the pioneering went a bit easier.
But we had still a hard live.My father often hit my mother very hard, and there was a lot of fighting in between. My mother was very unhappy because she had to do all the work in the house and find enough money to support the children. My father did not do anythin else then pioneering. He wanted to become special pioneer, and was very nice to the CO's etc, to do that.
MY mother complained to the elders that my fater should have more time with his family and should help in the things nessesary. They did not listen to her, but accused her of 'not having respect for her head, the man'
My father never cared about me, also not spiritually. He never took us to the kingdom hall (he went alone first) he never gave us bible study etc. I decided to switch to other hall so I did not have to see his hypocritical behaviour anymore. Since I did not have much schooling I started to follow english meetings and studied the engish artikels to learn engish myself.
I had too much friends in the truth and the pioneer times were good and we had too much fun, even tough together with working it was very difficult.
Then another sister was born and the things were getting worse with my parents. My father wanted to do some bussiness but had invested the savings to buy some toys and tried to forsell them. He bough maybe 1000 bit was only able to sell 3 or 4. He lost all the money that we had and we were forced to rent our house to someone else. We found another place with some family mebers but there is was not so good, as they had no water or electicity.
We also had lots of credits. One of the thing that had caused it was a game called the pyramid came. You have to pay some money and to the once above in the pyramid and you get money from others. My father had invested in this gam that the PO of the congregation had started and lost almost 100 dollars in it. The PO was dispelled for it as he too had credit, and used to pay his credit with the donations of the kingdom hall. Then he could not pay back the donations anymore and other brothers and sisters found out. There was a big fight because of this, and 3 brothers were injured.
One other thing that made me very sad was that my best friend was dispelled of the congregation. Her baby was born 8 and half month after she got married. They said this was too early so the must have had sex earlier. I know that this was not true, because I was with her all the time before the marriage and we slept in the same house. But the elders did not listen to her and to me, and she was out. We did not loose contact and most did not. Here people still talk to persons who are dispelled (unlike I read in the board here) Only a bit more limited and you can not eat together. BUt we were still friends. But of caurse we did not join fieldservice together anymore and I was always busy.
I had also lost my Job and decided to go to the big city and find job there as it was so hard for my parents to support the new baby now. (yet another, we were 7 now, 4 sisters and 2 brother I have). In the city I could not easy find job and then I start working in a bar as dancer. THis was not completely nude at first, but the costumers gave more money if you did more, so I did whatever they asked. I was spititually very weak at that time, and did not attend a lot of meetings anymore as most of the meetings were also at the time that I worked.
I also became materialistic and started to go with the customers just as the other girls did. I felt bad about it because I felt that I had lost the good understanding with God and that he did not like me anymore.
We had a lot of fun also with the other girls and I became on of the best dancers there and it made me enjoy to let the man watching me, and I could do what I like and to made giving them money to me. But also I wanted to get out and was looking for a man to get me out. But the customers were all not serious with me and dumped we very soon. I guess my hart can never e broken anymore as I do not have one anymore.
I did have more money and was able to send a lot of money to my family. I bought also a lot of things for myself, and had a better live. Then I got pregnant and stopped working. I went to some family there and they all asked me why I was pregnant. I asked them not to tell my mother but they did. She was very angry. I told here I had a boyfriend and that he left me. I did not tell of my work as I was too shy.
The baby girl was born dead and I was really sad for a long time. I was sure that it was gods punishment for me and I started to attend more meetings again, but did not went home to my family.
I still have to eat and I go dancing in the bar again. I was also disapointed in Jehovah for not caring about me, but i was more disapointed in myself. I have so many doubs now and do not know how to come back to Jehovah.
Inday
I attend still the meetings but have so many doubts
