like the subject title says, i'm hurt, desperate and confused and don't know what to do anymore.
i'm so desperate to have something to live for that i'm considering converting to something like the jehovah's witnesses.
i know this might seem a bit extreme but please hear me out.
Hi all
I really haven't been feeling too great for the past few days and don't really have the energy to say much... but I just want to let you know that I read all of them and that I truly appreciate all of your kind words, words of advice, and insights. So thank you for everything, it really does make me feel better.
I checked out that emotions anonymous website and found a chapter near me. I look forward to attending my first meeting in a few days. Thanks again for everything.
like the subject title says, i'm hurt, desperate and confused and don't know what to do anymore.
i'm so desperate to have something to live for that i'm considering converting to something like the jehovah's witnesses.
i know this might seem a bit extreme but please hear me out.
It's difficult to convey through a computer, but I'm touched by the amount of people who have taken the time to respond to this, especially when this is a board that seems to be geared mainly towards ex Jehovah's Witness support, and I'm a person that's never even been afiliated with the Jehovah's Witnesses. You're a surprisingly compassionate bunch, thank you all for the kind words and warm welcomes. I'm sort of at an unstable time in my life where I'm much more easily influenced than I would be normally, and though I'm sure it sounds really corny you've all inspired me to feel a bit more positively about human beings in general, which I think is a good thing. So thank you once again, I really appreciate it very much.
I think I'm acutally doing better, because I feel more hopeful now than I did even as little as two days ago - and I think you are partially to thank for that, it helped me more than I thought. I've put together a rough plan to improve my life - I saw a councellor at the college I'd been attending for the first time today, and will drop in weekly sessions. As for other immidate changes, I've resolved to care for myself physically more than I have been for the past while by exercising and eating properly - which I hope will make me feel better. As for religion, I think I'll take the advice not to *choose* anything at this point. In the immidate future I'll just attend Catholic mass with no particular goals in mind, and just keep an open mind and see how it makes me feel be there. As for Jeff Schwehm's offer, I am absolutely interested, thank you Mr. Schwehm. I am certainly looking forward to hearing more from you.
On a slightly more long term basis, I went to the Alpha website and I liked it. Even better yet, there are many different classes starting my area in the next two months, so I have some time to think about this. When I am feeling more stable I'll try to make a few friends and maybe do some volunteer work. Finally, I do plan to go back to school, but only after I feel almost fully stable. While I don't really feel capable of having a support system of 10-20 friends like Jgnat suggested, I will try to make at least three *good* friends, so that I don't end up in the same situation I was in before - and I will never invest everything in a single person. Though I do desire another relationship like that, in the end it is probably not worth it, because I'm finding the loss really difficult to deal with. Auntie Jane, you are right, I do tend to care too much. When people that I care about are acting cruel towards me, I usually don't even fight back, purely because I don't want to say or do anything that might hurt their feelings. This is probably not a good thing.
I'm still looking for a psychiatrist, but I'm feeling a bit discouraged so far. It seems every place either isn't accepting any new patients or has a really long waiting list - and this includes clinics. Part of the problem is that I live in Canada. Psychiatrists are free here thanks to medicare, but with all the healthcare cut backs, the demand is massive. Probably there are private doctors that I could see right away for a fee, but I don't have the funds for that at this point. Rebel8, I don't have a doctor of any kind, acutally. I'm waiting to get a physician, but I was desperate and needed some immidiate relief so I went to a walk in clinic - and that's how I got these anti dperessants perscribed to me. Basically I got a 5 minute "asessment" and then got sent out the door because it is a walk in clinic afterall, and time is short and the lobby was full. I looked this guy up on the internet and it turns out he is primarily a plastic surgeon who happens to do walk-in clinic part time - so all in all his credentials in the mental health field are somewhat questionable. I have a lot of concerns about the Effexor that I'm taking (side effects, dosage, other possible medications, etc), and I wish I could go over them with a professional.
But I am a bit puzzled at the AA group meeting suggestion.... why exactly?
Greendawn, you asked about the cause of my depression. I believe the cause of my longterm depression is mostly rooted in my poor relationship with my parents. Without getting too detailed about her condition, my mother was (and still is) severely mentally ill, but has always refused any form of treatment which has only made her problem worse. I think her way of coping was to take out most of her frustrations associated with her illness out on me. For minor offences such as accidentally spilling a glass of juice, in the best case scenario she would scream at me and call me all kinds of names for about half an hour straight, and in the worst case scenario she would beat me with whatever she could get her hands on. At all times she would stay enraged with me for the rest of the day, and sometimes the next day too. For more serious offences, such as C's on a report card, she would lock herself up in her room for about a week and would never, not once, come out. As far as I can tell she ate nothing during this time and was basically starving herself. I was only a young child, and I loved her despite everything, so these experiences were terrifying for me. As for my father, he was characteristically absent, leaving me alone in her hands. I was always afraid of making some minor mistake and making her angry, so I tried to be as innofensive (passive) as possible from an early age. This caused me social difficulties as early as kindergarden. I was afraid of the possibility of doing something wrong, so I ended up not talking at all - not the ideal situation to make friends - and the social handicap to some degree exists to this day. Anyway, I think the hardest thing for me though, aren't these sorts of experiences but rather that I would like to have some kind of positive relationship with my mother, but am continually frustrated and saddened that it isn't possible. She has never shown me any caring or affection, and has rejected my attempts at these things. Furthermore, she has never once apologized or taken responsibility for her actions. I have some sympathy for her illness, and for that reason I do want to forgive her, but it is difficult to forgive someone who does not want to be forgiven. I just keep searching for love, acceptance, and a positive relationship with someone who is incapable of these things, and I think my frustrations with that eventually turned into a mild, premanent depression that ocassionaly got worse when combined with other sources of distress.
This all sounds kinda whiny, so I'm sorry for that. I do keep my problems in perspective though; I know my own experiences aren't really much compared to what others have gone through and continue to go through, and my heart really goes out to to these people. I've looked through some of the comments posted on this site, stories of people like Mscemike who have been through extremely traumatizing things far out of the league of what I've experienced, and quite plainly I'm impressed at your strength and courage.
like the subject title says, i'm hurt, desperate and confused and don't know what to do anymore.
i'm so desperate to have something to live for that i'm considering converting to something like the jehovah's witnesses.
i know this might seem a bit extreme but please hear me out.
Thank you all. I read carefully through all of your comments, and more than once. The support is comforting, and, it does help. So thanks again. I do value your input, and hope to hear more of your thoughts.
Well, you've all collectively convinced me to dump the Jehovah's Witness idea. Since every single one of you felt it was a bad idea, and since you are all people with far more experience than I do when it comes to this religion, I think its in my best interests to take your word for it. I didn't like a lot of the things I've read here about this religion, particularly some of the restrictions suggested. To me, art, music, and literature are some of best things in life, and I would not gladly part from them. I'd already heard about the alienation and it did not bother me much, seeing as at this point I don't have much of a family, and as I've said I've lost my friends. I suppose the "insta-family" that would come with a cult religion like this one, however fake, is a somewhat pleasant thought. However, Forsharry's point about my future with the Jehovah's witnesses was quite a salient one for me. I do hope to one day have children, assuming I get better of course, and I don't think it's fair to subject them to anything like the isolation of this religion So thank you for bringing that up. It is sometimes difficult to think for me to think about the long term when I am so preoccupied with the present and the near future.
As for why I was looking into the Jehovah's Witnesses as opposed to another, less drastic religion, while I sort of guessed the JW would probably have the ugliest long term results, the appeal of it was the immidate short term effects. The immidiate love of these sort of cult-like groups is a pleasant idea to a desperate, lonely person such as myself. Yeah, I'm sure the love is fake but... it is something, and right now I have nothing. These days choices that will help me in the short term but will screw me over in the end often override choices that will make keep me suffering now but will eventually help me later. These days, even lying in bed all day long takes effort, and every day i make it through it feels as if I've just done something very difficult, although in reality the only thing I've done is just keep breathing. I feel like I need some immidiate help, something right away to at least help me take a step in the right direction and make a little bit of difference in my life.
Anyway... while I've ruled out the idea of joining any drastic religions, I'm still considering giving Catholicism a second try. I've decided to try going to mass a couple of times (i used to go every Sunday), just to see how it'll make me feel now. Also of interest, a few people suggested a non-denominational christian study group as a better alternative. Could you tell me more about this, and how would i go about finding one? I'm pretty unfamiliar with that but it seems like something that may be worth looking into. As for my reasons for wanting to try some religion, there are several. Like I said earlier, first of all I'm having some trouble holding on and am looking to latch on to something fast, as fast as possible. I'm not expecting a quick-fix solution to all my problems, and as others have pointed out, I agree that having it fix all my problems is very unlikely. But I'm hoping it might give me something to look into, and possibly pursue, and that's a start. Also, while I've been agnostic (I shouldn't have said atheist earlier, that's not quite right) for the past few years, I've also been thinking - even in healthier times - that it would be nice to able to believe in God in general, as it gives a source of hope, a source of love (from God), and removes some of the fear associated with death. I also think that I could much more easily accept religion or Christianity now than I could earlier... I've already sort of gravitated closer towards it on my own. In the worst of times, i sometimes catch myself praying subconciously to *something* even if a true belief isn't there... and that's been happening pretty often recently. The aspect of unity and belonging is also desireable to me, even though this effect will likely be much more minimal in a Catholic mass rather than the Jehovah's Witnesses. Hower, the most the most attractive part of the Christian religion for me is, not the other Christians themselves, but the idea that even if you have no one else, you are still loved and cared for by some higher power. If you can believe that God or Jesus loves you unconditionally, then you have a continuous and permanent source of hope and love, from a source that won't just get up and leave or just stop caring about you one day... as people often do. The next statement might seem kind of offensive for those of you who are religious, and I do not mean it in any kind of offensive way so I hope you do not take it as such - but I'm thinking of getting a dog for the same general reason, just to have a permenant source of love from somewhere, even if it isn't the as ideal as having another person there for me. As for reading the bible directly and skipping any sense of religion or formalities as some suggested, I haven't been in a "spiritual" state of mind for some time now, and if I am to pursue this I probably need some push or direction which would be greatly faciliated by some form of organized religion, even if it just means attending mass. And attending mass is also appealing because it will give me something to do. Finding something to to fill up the hours is difficult, and this emptiness makes me more depressed. So the idea of some sort of Christianity is appealing to me from a number of different angles.
As for the anti-depressants, I've been on Effexor for 3-4 weeks now. I did some research on the web and its some pretty nasty stuff. However, for those of you who commented, I would like to point out that I am extremely dilligent with the doses, and that I'm not mixing drugs. The second day on this drug, I had this sort of zombie effect in that all my feelings were almost completely numbed out, I couldn't feel much of anything, and quite honestly felt like a houseplant. While this is not really an ideal state of being, I was satisfied with it, because after feeling *too much*, feeling nothing was a welcome relief. From that day on I never used any other drugs besides the anti-depressants, because I felt I didn't really need these other drugs anymore. But now I feel as if the meds aren't working, or that they aren't working nearly as well as they should. Ever since I lost my sole source of support, much of the depression has returned, as has the hopelessness and the anxiety, coupled by the fact that I've never, ever, felt this lonely in my entire life. It seems that I'm basically screwed in terms of switching to other meds, because these ones appear to be the hardest ones to kick, even with the help of Prozac. The withdrawals are a nightmare - audio and visual hallucinations, electric shocks in your brain, the list goes on. I cannot handle that, not now.
I'm actually not receiving any councelling right now. I had when I was in my mid-teens for a while, but then discontinued. That was when I was diagnosed as depressive, by the way. At the time I was quite vehment about not taking any medications, and the doctor kept urging and urging me anyway, so I stopped going to therapy. I agree that I should be seeing someone right now, and I'm trying, but it seems like I'm going to have to wait. I'm still waiting for one doctor to call me back, and a clinic that I'm trying to get treatment from for the past month turns out to have a 2 month waiting list. I wish I could talk to a professional today, and I wish I could say that, but the only way that would happen is if I went to emergency, and if I did that, I'm afraid they'd hospitalize me. That isn't going to do me any good. I still would like someone to listen to me, even if it is just a shrink, and I think it will help. In the end though, the therapist is just someone whose paid to care, someone who wouldn't listen to me otherwise. And while some shrinks probably genuinely would care, maybe im just cynical but they seem to be the minority. Having someone who's paid to listen to you isn't nearly as comforting as knowing that there is someone who cares enough that they will do it for free, for as long as it takes, even if it is unpleasant for them. That's probably my biggest obstacle in getting better now, the fact that i have no one who cares about me. In the past, there was always at least someone, now there is no one. I know I won't find anyone for a good while - in the state that I'm in, I'm not the most pleasant person to get to know or be around.
So yes I do need to find friends, but that's something that always seems to have been easier for most people than it has been for me. My social needs are probably different than that of most people's in that I feel fully fullfilled socially even if i only have one or two friends, as long as they're very good friends that I can trust and that I know will be there for me. Befriending someone on a superficial level isn't that difficult, but I find these sorts of friendships very unsatisfying to me and in the end, they do nothing to help my loneliness. Further, I've always found that the number of people I'm able to really bond with is extremely limited. While I've never been particularly sociable, all my life I'd always had at least one or two good friends, people that cared about me and that I could talk to. When I was 15 though, I finally met a person that embodied everything I'd ever wanted in a friend. She understood me, and I understood her. We spent 5-6 hours a day together, every day of the week for 4 years straight. I know I'm still pretty young, but it seems unlikely that I'll ever be as close to someone as I was to her, or able to relate to someone on as deeply a level as I did to her. By the time I was 17 all my other friendships except hers faded away, and I made no effort to make other good friends because socially, I really didn't feel the need. I felt like I had everything I needed in her. That's where I made my mistake. I should have made the effort to at least find another one or two friends beforehand, back when I was in a healthier mindstate and would still be able to do it, just so that I'd have someone to fall back upon in case this one friendship turned sour. I guess the thing is I never even considered that an issue, because I trusted her with my life, and I just knew she would never turn her back on me. She abandonned me in my time of need though, cruelly and remorselessly, and I'm left in a permanent state of disbelief at how I could have been so wrong about this person, all these years. I still don't know what I did wrong, if anything. I don't know how I'll ever manage to let anyone close to me again, even though it's what I need to get better.
Thank you for anyone who read through this. I know it is long, I didn't mean it for it to be that long. Once again I appreciate any input.
like the subject title says, i'm hurt, desperate and confused and don't know what to do anymore.
i'm so desperate to have something to live for that i'm considering converting to something like the jehovah's witnesses.
i know this might seem a bit extreme but please hear me out.
Hi
Like the subject title says, I'm hurt, desperate and confused and don't know what to do anymore. I'm so desperate to have something to live for that I'm considering converting to something like the Jehovah's Witnesses. I know this might seem a bit extreme but please hear me out.
I'm a 20 year old female that has suffered from clinical depression for the past 5 years or so. About a year ago it got a lot worse, because I lost interest in all the hobbies/passtimes I had previously enjoyed. Nothing gave me any pleasure anymore, and found the time of the days very difficult to fill up. 3 months ago, I lost someone very special to me and my depression got so bad I could no longer get out of bed. At the same time, I developped extreme anxiety (which I'd never had before) and I insomnia and would sleep a maximum of 2 hours a night, and that's only if I was lucky. I became self destructive and started using illegal drugs. Then, out of extreme desperation, about a month ago I started taking sleeping pills and anti depressants, the heaviest anti depressants on the market. For a while it worked, it numbed me out, I finally could sleep, I even managed to show up for my exams. Very recently though, the girl I considered my best friend and and the only person I could really talk to abandonned me, and she did it in the most cruel, uncaring way possible. She was my only support system, and now I have nothing. I have no other friends, and I have no family. I'm all alone. That was the last straw for me. The drugs no longer work. Once again, I can't sleep, and I can't get out of bed. I've dropped out of school. Even worse, the drugs wiped out the one, single interest I had left. I've always been a creative, artistic person, but I have 0 interest in that on the drugs. Life just feels completely pointless. I'll take anything, anything to fill this emptiness, and lately I've been considering religion. Just some info on my religious background, I was raised Catholic and then turned athetist in my teen years.I don't mean any offence, but I was always under the impression that one of hte reasons people joined things like Jehovah's Witnesses was to give them something to believe them when there was something missing in their lives. I feel that way now, and I'm thinking of starting to attend the local kingdom hall and see if I can get into it, despite the fact that it seems cultish. I'm just so lonely. In some ways I think I've given up on people in general. I've tried to live my life being the kindest person that I can be, because I believe in treating others the way you want to be treated. But it has never helped, all I've gotten in return was people taking advantage of the kindness and generosity I offered them. The vague idea that Jesus might love me is a pleasant one, since I really have no one or nothing else. I want to believe it, I want to believe it so badly. While it might not fix the problem, it'll at least give me something to believe in, give me some hope, give some meaning to my life. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I know this must all sound bizarre and it probably is, I'm just very mixed up and confused. I don't know what I hope to gain out of posting this message, but maybe some advice from those who have experience with this religion would be helpful. Thank you for reading through my ramblings, I appreciate it.
