Tell us a little about yourself and your family.
I grew up in the organization and baptized at age 10 years 11 months. I lost my father to cancer and nearly lost my mom (thank goodness I didn't) to an illness both in 1999, I became inactive in 2000, and came out of the closet in 2001.
Were you a born in or a convert?
I was born in
Are your parents / family JWs?
My mom is, has been one (If you include when she started studying) going on 44 years. I had an aunt (mom's sister) who was a devout Jehovah's Witness which is how mom was introduced to the religion. My aunt's son drowned and as any JW she used the opportunity to preach to others and my mom listened. Ironically my aunt left the JW religion several years later. She and I had a few discussions about her experience of leaving and she had to quit talking about it because she would get so disgusted at the Governing Body.
How many generations have been JWs?
2
Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)
Not officially. At my peak I was running the sound system (playing music, setting up mics on stage), running the literature counter (because they didn't have enough Elders/MS to go around so I was a qualified baptized brother), assisting the territory department revamp and make all new territory cards replacing the 20 year old cards, reading at Book Studies, giving School talks, going out in service regular Auxiliary Pioneering, using my own money to replace mic stands and mics that were over 20 years old, and because of the number of responsibilities I did have, the elders allowed me to have a key to the Kingdom Hall....but I wasn't qualified to be a Ministerial Servant because basically my comments needed to be more thorough.
Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?
Oh yes. I was more afraid of demons looking in my windows at night than I was of Jehovah watching me 'enjoy' myself as a pre-teen boy (if you get my drift)
Did you get baptized? When and why?
Regretfully yes. It was one month before my 11th birthday. The truth is I think it was more wanting to fit in and be able to do what other younger brothers were doing (like passing mics, setting up stage, running the sound, timing school talks for the conductor).
What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?
In the beginning I really didn't question things. That was several years later. First several years I was still defending the JWs (Although I had started reading anti-JW information within a year after becoming inactive)
Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?
My first exposure was Fred Franz's Chrises of Conscience and In search of Christian Freedom in 2001, a year and two months after I became inactive. What prompt me to read that was I had just came out in August, 2001 and my mom kicked me out for being gay so I moved in with a friend who gave me a place to stay until I found my own apartment was too a JW but became inactive before I did who had red Franz's books so he loaned me his to read.
How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?
I never formally left, I Just faded away however I know if I go back now I will be disfellowshipped so I stay away for now. I'm waiting for my spotlight.
Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?
Careful quiet fade. Eventually I'll make my glorious exit formally.
Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?
No
How were your family relations affected by your decision?
Being inactive mom just encourages me to go back.
Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?
I haven't been shunned but I know when I run into someone I seem to always be with mom in public shopping (oddly I never run into any when I'm by myself or with a 'worldly') and some rattle on over how it is good to see me while others look at me, give a half ass knod and go on.
How long have you now been out?
Going on 15 years
Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?
Several years after I really started changing my line of thinking I started dating and enjoyed having a loving relationship and I enjoy being able to go out and just relax and have fun without Watchtower this, Bible that.
What are you most proud of achieving since you left?
Being able to think with an open mind, realizing life isn't black or white that there are gray areas and no single person/religion has ALL the answers.
Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?
I honestly miss the responsibilities I had because it did keep me busy, and even though it was with a religion that is no more truer than other churches, I worked hard for God and that in itself gave me peace. Growing up going to meetings 5x a week, conventions, circuit assemblies, memorials, field service, family study, personal study, etc I do find myself missing a spiritual side but no matter what church I've tried, I can't help think how everything I grew up believing is now no longer "truth" due to "new light" and my trust in religion has been shattered so I cannot subscribe to a particular faith or creed. When I go on occasion it is just to fill that void I still find. It could be a Baptist service with my cousin, Methodist with my sister, Apostolic with my boyfriend, Mormon, Unitarian Universalists on my own, even JW conventions with mom just to keep her off my back.
Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?
I do not regret having my eyes opened. I just wish my mom's eyes would open after 44 years she's pretty much engrained in the brainwashing.
Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?
Neither. Agnostic. I believe in God, even Jesus but beyond that is open to interpretation.
How do you now feel about religion in general?
It's one thing I do agree with J. F. Rutherford on. It is a snare and a racket, ALL organized relgion including the JWs.
Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?
No guilt. Odd thing is I never felt guilt for doing those things from when I first started.
Have you attended any face-to-face meet-ups of ex-JWs?
Yes
Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?
Ex-JWs ARE regular people! But I moved and so I associate mostly with those who have not been exposed to the JW religion.
Do you tell people about your JW past?
If it comes up yes
Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?
Certain individuals I do. It was one elder that caused me to quit going. It was discouragement. It was one year after my dad's death. Mom and I were having a difficult time dealing with it. The elder's oldest son was my best friend. We were inseparable. People in the congregation were saying too bad one of us wasn't a woman we would be perfect for each other. Little did they know (about me at least). Well during this time my mom and I were having issues, my best friend's dad stopped us from hanging out because my mom and I were very unspiritual and he didn't want that rubbing off on his son (reread the question about what privileges I had, it was during that time this happened) That hurt so bad, first because I really did like my best friend more than just friends (he never knew) and second I was grieving over the loss of my dad. So that was it. I cried for several hours and quit going to the meetings. His dad came to my job, asked for the key to the Hall then asked how I was. I gave him the cold shoulder. As a side note, his perfect son has been appointed Ministerial Servant twice, was Publicly Reproved once, and ha since been married, had kids, and went through a divorce. Guess I can't be blamed for that!
How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?
Places I've lived, the only sign they have been by was one time I had a tract in my door and it was the one advertising jw.org. Other than that if they did come by I wasn't home. The Mormons did stop on two different occasions though.
Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)
Support
What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?
Don't be direct. They'll run off like timid little mice. Don't be hateful and bash the religion either. Just be nice and lead by example. If you see the slightest questioning then cautously work your way in. Some, like my mom, are in solid and probably will never come out. We can only pray for those.
Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?
I think if they changed a few policies like the disfellowshipping policy. "Sinners" should be welcomed to the fold, but pushed out. When I was discussing my past with one of my friends, especially the part how I've been out for so long but because the elders knows about me and my past if I tried going back I would get disfellowshipped but as long as I'm not associating they usually won't. His reply was "That is one F---ed up religion! Don't you think it would be the opposite, if you're coming then you're trying?" Otherwise they will bring themselves down.
How has your life been impacted by your JW past?
Let's see.... I may or may not graduate high school in this system, I definitely won't die. No need to plan college since I won't even graduate high school so I left high school early and finished through a home school program as it was becoming popular in the 1990s. Got myself in debt, and now I'm stuck at a dead end job where I make too much to qualify for any financial aide, and my credit is shot so I do not qualify for any loans, and I barely make enough to support myself pretty much robbing myself from my next pay-check to pay this pay-check's bills. As far as not graduating high school because this system won't last that long I graduated almost 20 years ago and I'll soon be 40 gone through two surgeries in the past month, fighting health problems so yeah. But in the midst of those dark clouds I keep positive and associate with positive people and do the best I can do with one in my situation.
Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?
Their stand on college and how the system is going to end soon. It's ruling a lot of young JW's the opportunities to get careers to help support themselves and their families.
JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?
I have said I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had a different upbringing but in the same token I wish it wasn't the JWs. I think I would much rather a strict Baptist or Mormon raising than the JWs. The Mormons encourage higher education, having their own University that anyone can attend, as well a programs to help young members who are financially strapped to attend college.
How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?
Work
Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?
It's one of those just to see how much changes and how far it goes more for entertainment. I'm just amazed at how much a religion can change just in a decade.
How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?
Usually whenever I read this site or read some of the current JW literature when I need a good laugh.
What do you think of the ex-JW community?
They are real people who are not of the devil as the Watchtower led me to believe when I was growing up.
Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years time?
Most definitely
Do you fear the future?
Nope because in 100 years I won't care because I'll be dead.
What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?
If you have family that you have close ties with, you need a plan of action and a backup plan so you're not on the streets. If you have no strong emotional ties, get the hell out as soon as possible.
What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?
Do NOT get baptized.
Do you have any regrets about life since you left?
Nope.
Can we read your life-story anywhere? (links to online or books)
I would rather be notified first and give permission directly and given the source so I can see it.
Want to share your own story? Please use the Interview with an Apostate: Template and post it in the Personal Experiences & Reunions section with the title "Interview with an Apostate: [your name or alias]"
