I'm so sorry.
Long-time JWs seem to be at a point where they are just weary, worn-out, tired of the daily struggle for life and keeping up with 'Jehovah's chariot'.
They see death as the guarantee of entry to the NewSystem (or heaven, if they are annointed).
It's just so sad for the survivors - especially those who know the truth about 'the truth'.
Sorry for your current struggle.
-Aude.