I woke up this morning, after getting a few hours sleep before work, and I actually felt better. I needed to share and I am so thankful that this forum provided the place for me to share and in turn for you to reach out to me with your kind words and thoughts. Thank You!
I want to respond to each one of you
To pr_capone,
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Truth2Me))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thanks for the hug brother, I really needed that
J
I personaly have not prayed in over a year now. I will do so tonight for you. You are not alone
when I read that this morning, it brought tears to my eyes, THANK YOU so MUCH! I really do believe that our loving creator heard your prayer and I have felt a comforting feeling since I awoke this morning and I believe that you helped. Thank you. I would write to you, but youre e-mail it blocked as private. Thank you for listening and thank you for your reply, it meant a lot to me.
To Utopian_ Raindrops,
But I had to let you know I am praying for you sweety.
Thank you dear brother! I do appreciate your prayers and I know that him who loves above all else heard your request and I do feel better. Thank you!
You need to heal and he doesnt even consider your feelings. If you keep getting physically cut in the same spot over and over never allowing for healing it will get gangrene.
Let your heart and mind heal before taking on another relationship.
Well, right now my special friend (boyfriend/friend, whatever he is) is going through his own nightmare of pain, and so I do not hold it against him that he feels this way and is pushing me away, because I know what its like to feel cold and afraid to trust and I know that he has to come to a place of healing where he has come to accept and love himself before he will be really ready to accept love from a human being and to trust them completely. That takes time, and Im willing to work on my own healing and to let him have the time and space he needs, loving him from a distance, praying and thinking of him fondly, and it its a part of Gods plan for my life that I should be with him, then it will happen when the time is right for both of us.and its painfully obvious to me right now that I have a lot of my own pain to deal with, and some more self-acceptance and soul searching to gain the inner peace I seek inside. I agree, I will not be ready for any relationship, with him or with another, until I get this pain out..posting my story lifted a tremendous burden off my soul. Like a weight was lifted off of me. Such a relief to share and to know I am cared about and not forgotten. So share with others of like-mindedness and of similar tales of life in and out of the WTS and of the spiritual struggle and the strive to build a meaningful life.
As for friends as capone said this board is full of people who care about you.
That is a wonderful feeling.that people who care, all around the worldare out there. MAN! That really is a comfort!
Thank you for caring! Thank you for reading my story and writing back
J
So take care for now sugar and if you want a more personal talk e-mail me.
(((((((hugs))))))
Dont worry and relax.
Our prayers are with you.
Agape,
Utopian_Raindrops
ti......
Thank you again dear brother, your kind words sooth the pain, they really do, and hugs are so therapeutic, even over the internet. I will probably write to you later, but its getting late tonight and I want to respond to that others.
To ugg,
i am so glad you wrote your story here...terrible emotional damage....have you considered therapy just for yourself....maybe a doctors visit...tell him how you are feeling..maybe with antidepressants and some talk therapy you will start to feel better...
it seems obvious that you need some major support...you have been through hell...do everything you can to take care of your self......((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( truth ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thanks I wrote my story because I felt the overwhelming need to share and connect with others, to reach out and let others reach back. Maybe one of the over 200 people that have read my thread and did not reply will find some comfort in reading my story, that their secret sorrows may find some comfort too, so that some good can come out of all I have been through. Well, I have been going to a support group for folks from high-control groups such as the WTS, and to be honest, as much as it helps it also rips open painful places that I did not know needed healing and so its been very painful lately for me to cope. I have come to realize that in some ways I may really benefit from medication, and I did speak at length with my boyfriend/special friend mentioned above about this because he also faught the idea of medication, but he has found it has helped him deal with his depression and grief tremendously and he wished he had gone on it much sooner. Im pretty darn stubborn, and Ive worked through my own pain for years on my own.but maybe its time to accept some outside help. Sharing here is a start. I am seriously considering professional help. Im not suicidal, havent been for a long time,,,but I do have times of tremendous pain, like last night, and it may be much easier to work through if I address any possible chemical imbalances I may have going on. Yes, I am taking that time away from the relationship with my special friend or whatever I should call him, to just cater to myself, work out, sleep more, read, reflect, pray, listen to music, cuddle up on the couch in front of a show about animals and do a cross-stitch (I like crafts, Im a very creative person), and reach out to others, make new friends, try not to isolate myself so much..all that good stuff
J
To Mackin,
Truth2Me,
I feel for you so much. My god you've been thru a lot. You are among friends here.
{{{{{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
Mackin.
J
I needed that hug, thanks! Thank you for caring! I need all the friends I can get, its good to know youre out there!
To Gizmo,
Thank you for caring Gizmo, that is all I really requireyeah I am trying to let it out, in manageable doses.but sometimes when I try to take life one day at a time, a couple of years worth attacks me all at once..I need a good cry, I hope that one will come before I fall asleep tonight, the release is very therapeutic. Thank you for sharing that poem, I really liked it. I hadnt heard of the author before, Im glad you posted that
J
To Beck_Melbourne,
Thank you for your words of comfort and encouragement, I appreciate it, and I know you are right, I will make new friends and I cannot change the past.yet I realize I have not fully grieved for them, I am still holding on, and Im not ready to let go yet, but that will come with time.
Yeah, moving on from my ex who bestowed the gift that keeps on giving (herpes) on me was a very healthy thing for me to do. But, to get to that point I had to realize that I was more miserable with someone who didnt love me and treated me like dirt than to be alone in the world. Rather then cling to him, I reached out again and clung to my creator.and started to find healing and peace within my turmoil. Yeah, I see that I go through cycles of healing and then I need to take a break and relax and process..then I reach out and seek more healing.I obviously need more time to lick my wounds and rest. I need to reach out and make friends who accept me for who I am, and I have found those folks are really hard to find.but I an finding that there are many people like that here and that is a real blessing!
Well, my current special friend/boyfriend that I met online, well, hes very special, fully accepts me for who I am.and thinks on a higher level as I do and many of the folks here doand I love that, I need to be able to share and ponder the mysteries of life with others, I thrive on it. I will not give up on him, but I will take this time away from the relationship part and build up myself, emotionally and spiritually and mentally.and if its meant to be then when the time is right it will happen.
I actually canceled my membership in the dating service months ago, and I am not ready to go that route. I have no desire to seek out a mate right now. What I recognize that I need are loving friends to laugh and spend time with. To cry and share joyful times with.and if in that process I find the person my creator has set aside for me.so be it. Maybe they are already in my life and maybe I havent met them yet, but Im not looking right now. Thank you, no Im not giving up, but I am feeling better knowing that I have the support of ones like you
J
To COMF,
Yeah I hear you. I just really needed to share the stuff I had buried inside, and it felt good to get it out. I spend a lot of time figuring myself out, and sometimes I try to do too much by myself. Im learning to accept the care of others, though trusting can be a scary thing when youve been mislead so many times.but I share carry on.I love myself, I have a hard time accepting why I have gone through some of the things I have gone through, and I beat myself up sometimes.its time to be my own best friend and not my own worst enemy
J
To pettygrudger,
Ummmmm hugs..thank you! You are correct, whenever I ignore my spirituality I am miserable. Its so darn difficult to be true to oneself, but when I am then I feel truly at peace. The truth is, that I have been in a battle over myself for years.my flesh waging war against my spirituality.and its a difficult struggle. Ultimately, I want to have a loving lifelong relationship with someone is also questing spiritually.like my boyfriend/special friend.but I feel like I have failed God numerous times, and this contributes to my not feeling at home in any churches.but well see how things pan out for me. Im an all or nothing kinda person..its very hard for me to strike a balance and accept that God will be happy with whatever my best effort is if I am seeking him and asking for help as oppessed to running away. Eventually I came to a place where instead of running from God when I was feeling punished by my physical pain from my herpes, I ran to God and imagined that I was like a child running to him with open arms. I said outloud Daddy, IT HURTS!!!!! and I burst out crying, I felt God lovingly reach out to comfort me and I felt him speak to my heart I AM NOT ASHAMED OF YOU, I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. From that moment the burden began to life, and I no longer felt like God was beating me every time I felt my herpes. Now I just accept that its a part of my life, Scary thing is that 97% of the US population has it..both the oral and the genital kind can live anywhere on the body and can be transposed from one area to another..very scary. Its ignorance that spreads it.and maybe by sharing what I have been through I can spare someone else the heartache. When I first was diagnosed, I thought that herpes was worse than AIDS, but at least HIV can kill you.herpes just tortures you for the rest of your life. I also thought Id be alone for the rest of my life, that on one would ever accept me.but once I accepted myself, I found others who did, and so now I kinda think of it as a way to weed out the people that are not worthy of my affections. Ive been on suppressive therapy for a few years now, and now I only feel the pain when I am really stressed or sick.Ive got bronchitis and Im really stressed, so that physical pain just compounds the emotional pain Ive been going through lately. Well, I have learned to love myselfbut I have a hard time accepting how other people have treated me or why have some many painful things happened to me.I know I am an intelligent, beautiful person inside and out and that I am precious in Gods eyesno matter what spiritual path I choose, he/she will still love me. I sometimes still ask myselfwhat did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me? ME, of all people, why ME? And dont I deserve to be loved? Thats all I ever really wanted was to be loved.I use to cry myself to sleep at night when I was little saying all I ever wanted was a Christian family that loves me. Its gonna take time to get through this.being here on this forum is helping!
Well, I think now that I have gotten a lot of my story out in the open I feel more at ease to share, and with time, I will feel much better. Giving back feels really good.I want to reach out to others, as a part of my healing. I think we all feel that way, thus we are all here on this site. Thank you for replying to me
J
To Nita 6368,
J
Thank you, and thanks for the hug too
J
I agree, I believe that everything happens for a reasonsometimes we dont understand why or how, but I do believe there is master plan, and that good can come from even the most painful places. Yeah, sometimes I feel like now that I have gotten to this point, Ive bound to have good stuff coming my way after everything I have been through.the universe would be thrown offbalance if more junkola came my way right now lol. Thanks for the listening ear, and thank you for your kind words, and thanks for your invite, I may take you up on it
J
To Shakita,
Thanks, I really need these hugs! Yes, I agree, and since I have survived so much I am a much stronger person for it.and I hope some of the lessons Ive learned can be put to good use. Yeah I hear you, and I know that I have so much to look forward too in the future, though I dont know how my future will take shape am agrateful that I have a good job and a nice place to live and an safe, fun car to drive, health insurance, clothes on my back, food, and my birdies (my two macaws) who love me no matter what..and of course I have this wonderful site! Yeah, I need to get out and try something new.I love anything related to working with animals, and I need to address my spiritual needs with some kind of healthy outlet that involves interaction with other people.through my work I have numerous opportunities to try stuff.I just need to get out there and try something. Thank you for your kind words.yes, knowing others are thinking of me and praying for me does really help!
To Elsewhere,
I have always enjoyed your posts, but this one really touched me. Thank you, I really needed to hear that, and I appreciate the hug too!
To Mouthy,
I have gotten much amusement from your posts since Ive been here.the penis warmers thing had me laughing my highny off..I like your personality, you crack me up lol. Thank for you tha hug and sharing with me, its good to know that others understand even a part of the pain I hold.and eventually if enough people help to shoulder each others burdens.then the weight doesnt feel like burden anymore.I also seek a personal relationship with my creator.not necessarily a religion, and I do not fear that the God of the WTS is out to get me.I know that my creator, whatever his/her/its name is loves me for the precious creature I amand yeah, I agree, we can sharpen and lift up each other.without manmade truths.
J
To ITGuy,
I just wrote to you, Im psyched, It would be really cool to find someone that I knew!!!!!!!!!!! Write back, I cant wait!
To Nina, aka cruzanheart,
J
Im glad I shared with you all, it does feel good to get that outthank you, I do feel less alone
J
To email,
Thanks for the hug
J
all the support of you guys is quiet a comfort, that I was not expecting to feelbut Im sure glad I reached out, but because I feel you all reaching back to me.
To troucul,
Gee, thanks
J
an inspiration? Me? (blushing) lol
J
Well, thankfully no one on the inside to my knowledge knows what happened as a result of my fornicating days with my ex-boyfriend..and Im thankful for that. YES, I would really like to get together, I get so excited the few times that I met other ex-JWs in person..that would be awesome. I just e-mailed you, I hope to hear from you soon
J
To Chevysnstats,
Thank you
J
Yeah I can see where too much time to myself can work against meI just wrote to you, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Well everyone, brothers and sisters, thank you SO MUCH for listening, your prayers, and sharing in this time I am going through. I never thought that I would find comfort from strangers onlinebut somehow you all dont feel like strangers to me.thank you for being there for me, I sincerely appreciate it very very much. I am feeling better today, and I am pysched at the prospect of making new friends and meeting and or getting to know some of you outside of the forum.
It's time to spend a little quite time, talk with God, thank him/her for all of you and to get some rest.
You have all made a difference in my life and in this painful time Im going through. Thank you!!!!!!!
PS, Simon you are the best, thank you for this forum!
Sincerly,
Truth2Me
