literally and figuratively.... if you don't know my story, its the basic "i'm gay and from a family of jws" and lately it hasn't been going well.
i'm still saving up to move out, but that "meeting" i was suppose to have with the elders is scheduled tonight.
it was scheduled tuesday night but i dodged that bitch hard.
LOL thanks unique1, eh If I get booted, I have a car to sleep in- most folks don't have that...
But I should probably go clean it out if I plan to sleep in it tonight. But jokes aide, thanks for the effort, it makes me feall really goo that I can just post something and just feel love and support from people when most in my real life aren't able to.
literally and figuratively.... if you don't know my story, its the basic "i'm gay and from a family of jws" and lately it hasn't been going well.
i'm still saving up to move out, but that "meeting" i was suppose to have with the elders is scheduled tonight.
it was scheduled tuesday night but i dodged that bitch hard.
LOL, I doubt anybdy lives close to me, but I'll shoot. Maryland.
literally and figuratively.... if you don't know my story, its the basic "i'm gay and from a family of jws" and lately it hasn't been going well.
i'm still saving up to move out, but that "meeting" i was suppose to have with the elders is scheduled tonight.
it was scheduled tuesday night but i dodged that bitch hard.
Junction-Guy, she is very antigay and admitted to me at one time how homophobic she was- before she knew she had a homosexual in the home though. Its the culture she was raised in- like even out non-JW family members or invlved in the baptist church. The apostate thing wouldn't work on her as much- she hates them just as much as the gays. She once told me Dont go on the Internet talking bad about witnesses with those people because of THIS!" So its like an equal hatred, with gay winning more only because I am gay.
And she already did turn me to the elders- she's the reason I have the meeting tonight in the first place. She believes it won't ever get out and that the elders can just sweep it under the rug and cure my Ghey.
literally and figuratively.... if you don't know my story, its the basic "i'm gay and from a family of jws" and lately it hasn't been going well.
i'm still saving up to move out, but that "meeting" i was suppose to have with the elders is scheduled tonight.
it was scheduled tuesday night but i dodged that bitch hard.
ex-nj-jw, thanksfor your comment.
I think you hit it on the nail with the love yourself thing. Honestly, I have this fear whereas if its just me, there will be nobody to love me like my family 'cause I still have a hardtime acepting myself as gay. Like even when im arguing with her I cant even use the word and that's how she wins because she knows I don't want to be but knows that I am. and she is alloed to hate that part of me because a largepart of me still can't accept it at times. Sometimes i don't care- when i'm with my friends who know its ot even a big deal at all. is not even an issue. But when I'm not, I'm back into this internalized-homophbic mindstate thats hard to shake even when I wan to. Even when i wanna scream it to the mountain, its like the knot in my stomch that keeps my mouth shut. And about unconditional love, sometimes its hard for me to understand that my parents love isn't that.. like its finally hitting me that its love with a price that I can't even afford.
Its just hard to systematically stop hating yourself for something is all when you've been doing it a loong time. Especialy is hard when others jump in and add to it when you try and stop.
literally and figuratively.... if you don't know my story, its the basic "i'm gay and from a family of jws" and lately it hasn't been going well.
i'm still saving up to move out, but that "meeting" i was suppose to have with the elders is scheduled tonight.
it was scheduled tuesday night but i dodged that bitch hard.
Wow, didn't expect responses that fast. Thanks for your comments.
Junction-Guy, my mother is a hardcore JW. She always had a difficult life with my grandmother being systematically abused by my grandfather and having low self-esteem. In her mind, there is no other way to live and has made comments and I believe them that "I would rather die than go back out into that world."
So, she's pretty hardcore. LOL! And its not that she's the self-righteous, always out in field service and making comments about who is spiritual and who isnot type, its just that there has not even been anything supportive and uplifting in her life BUT the WTBS. It's really all she has as she is in an unfulfilling marriage, a career that is going nowhere, and without supporting, uplifting friends.
Thanks megsmomma for the hug, but I can't help but wonder if its just a thing with the type of sin. I've seen it in many of congregations, that depending on who you are (elders kid, compared to newly baptised person and what you did) how you are treated. And I've seen a many of kids of witnesses who wandered away from Da Troof and come back sporadically and are treated as if they never left, and that 'their hearts have just grown cold to Jehovah, but he/she'll come around!!11one" But you do make a good point, I don't know 'cause I'm not in their shoes... and they might just be there to make sure grandma and grandpa babysits later on...
LeslieV, I try to educate her, hel I even give her some of the most anti-gay bigoted information as its easier to swalow at first than thet "We're here and queer so get used to it" type stuff I reads, but she still goes on that its worldy and wants people to accept that lifestyle and on and on. Trust me, I have tried but unless its coming from a Watchtower on the gay front, she won't read it or even listen.
You know unique1, my friends all live at home with their parents since we're al in our early 20s and no one has moved out.. without coming back home so I don't feel comfortable moving in with them since its not their place you'know? I know- I need some more independent friends w/ money... people who aren't me I guess. Plus the only reason I haven't gotten a job during meetings times is because I feel like I would have gotten tossed out on my ass for doing something like that ontop of the gay stuff... However, i' might as wel since she expressed that I had to "Do something now" meaning get the fuck out. its coming and I am preparing as much as I can and I might just have to take a nap in the YMCA for a few nights.
Crumpet, I don't wanna say where I'm at as I worry about who reads these boards (paranoid as hell) but Its a small city that is not as gay-affirming. Thanks for your comments, its just so hard because I never prepared for letting go entirely. Maybe a few years but forever? even in my head I picture her sometime down the road larning to accept me and set up boundaries of where we can go and not go in our relationship but.. she doesn't even want to do that and its finally hitting me. I've been on this board lurking for a while and I would read all of your comments but your amilies mistreating you and I "knew" that mine couldn't do that- not forever at least. Cause they love me and since I'm slow as hell I couldn't pick up that I am like the rest of you- i'm about to lose my family forever and its just kicking my in the face.. and in the stomach. Honestly, i don't know how you all do it.
literally and figuratively.... if you don't know my story, its the basic "i'm gay and from a family of jws" and lately it hasn't been going well.
i'm still saving up to move out, but that "meeting" i was suppose to have with the elders is scheduled tonight.
it was scheduled tuesday night but i dodged that bitch hard.
Literally and figuratively...
If you don't know my story, its the basic "I'm gay and from a family of JWs" and lately it hasn't been going well. I'm still saving up to move out, but that "meeting" I was suppose to have with the elders is scheduled tonight. It was scheduled Tuesday night but I dodged that bitch hard. So it's tonight.. and I don't think I'll be going to the meeting because I'm depressed... which is true just not ALL true.
But not only because of the meeting. My mom came at me really strong last night and she was just so.. mean and hurtful. I was trying to reason to her to get her to understand- that she's asking me to live alone or get married and have a fucked up marriage, that I didn't ask for the feelings, that I still want my family and that we can all work at this and set up boundaries and I know its hard for her- but she wouldn't hear it.
She just wanted to tear me apart. For days all I've heard is that "You're not man enough/a real man at all- if only your father had stayed.. I can't even picture something so disgusting...You are going to destroy this family and its worth it to you..for that!" And it goes on and on and whenever I try to explain myself, she either starts compulsively shaking and sobbing or she'll gt downright nasty and mock me. And last night she told me that I will be out of HER family. And I repeated her, and she excalimed. "Yes, MY Family. You will not hurt us. You will not be around us Like That! You you want to be a Gay man you will not be around us at all!"
So I guess fags don't have families. I'm just waiting for her to say- its like on the tip of her tongue sometimes i just want her to. Like if she said it I could stop caring about her altogether.
And God, this is not what I expected at all, you know? I expected us not to talk for a few months, for things to be difficult, but she's not even going to try with me. At all. That's all I wanted, for us to try.. we were friends (hell, you know that whole theory about the too close overbearing mother making her son gay? Yeah... not saying its' true but it does make me wonder in my case) And i related to her that if I were out 'in the world' having sex with women and having babies left and right that would be okay, but if I'm gay then that's when I'm out of the family. And she exclaims "That's different!" How, i asked, is it any different when sin is sin? That shows her bias and I was trying to show her how hurtful and wrong it was and she wouldn't hear it, all she could do is look at me with hate and disgust...
You would think it would be so easy for me to just go out with some friend and have a drink or just chill and blab to them- but she is right. it is different. I'm not 'going out into the world to have all the fun and 'be cool'. And it would be different if I were banging chicks left and right and having babies with every girl in the tristate area. I'm going from being hated by one group into being hated by the majority. Most of my Non-JW friends don't know still and its hard to even tell them sometimes and I just feel so stuck and I'm just tired and feel so alone right now. Fighting back tears and shit. Like suicide doesn't even seem that bad anymore and I can totally relate to just ending it all if I had the balls, if I could do it quick...
Eh, sorry another whiny post from me, I just had to get that off of my chest 'cause its really heavy.
does he/it really exist to you?
since i've become more empowered in my fade.....i've been realizing satan is just a huge guilt tool used by religion in general.
at this point i believe 'he' doesn't exist...........
Satan to me was like the honest in the bible and without him the story kinda sucks. I mean, c'mon... he Challenges everything! God wouldn't be God without Satan. He'd just be. "oh yeah.. there's god in the sky. again.. sitting on his thrown... in his shiny gold bright ass dress..."
But with Satan he has a reason to go batshit crazy once in a while and show people why he should fear him. He's just the badass who comes along and shows humans and God to be the selfish sons of bitches he and we all are because allusions of "love and sacrifice" are not the whole story.
The whole idea of God being nothing but pure love and not needing us is kinda crazy- when I don't need something I dont... need it or desire it- whoever God is, I think she/he/it needs us as much as we need him/her/it.
But thats just my take.
i was in heavy doubt about the organization, but still in the back of my mind i was a bit hesitant of posting because it was the "unforgivable sin".
i think it took me 20 minutes to type my first post.
i still felt that once i submitted my post that a bolt of lightning was going to come down upon me, so my hands were shaking as i was typing.
Okay, now I don't feel so bad anymore. I remember my very first post on a XJW board a long time ago when I was about... 14 or 15 and I was such an apologists and all the people there were "just so mean" and "needed to move on with their lives and leave the witnesses alone." Yeah, one of those.
And then I went to a few other boards over the years and I was scared as hell when posting to them because even though my mother was computer-illiterate, I thought that Jehovahs would guide her through the valley of Windows and Explorers, and she'd get wise and find someway to check the cookies or the History on my computer or something, LOL! And when I posted my story on here, my Big JW Gay story with the elders, I felt like all of you- but I had reason to since I was posting from my school's library computer where I know a couple of JWs who regulaly pop in every now and then. And all I needed was for them to see me with my earphones in my ear, typing all willy nily and see one of them- have them read the title of the board and the topic thread.. *sighs*
Now that would have been fun!
i'm associating with a church that i like very much, however, i find some things hard to digest, like jesus resurrecting himself.
i think the father did that, not him.
anyway, i am thinking that i can just keep associating for social reasons and some religious ones while reading the bible and having my own beliefs based on how i understand the bible and not blindly believe doctrine just because a big church teaches it.
Oh my God, If I could make up a religion, it would be the collest religion ever! Okay, we would get together and just dance! That's it, nothing, we would all dance and eat and have a good time. We would go door-to-door and tell people they had terrible taste in music and couldn' dance and that'd we'd be glad to show them and have dance-sessions in their homes until their were ready to come to Dance Hall! And I would be a Dance Elder and have these really cool skates on... only the dance elders could wear the cool shit and dictate the dance floor and the music.
And to become a dance elder you have to let me poke you in the rear. Sorry, my church, my rules. Who wants to join?
i'm telling you- i honestly think people are getting more immoral!!
i saw something on the news last night where some bicycler got hit in the middle of the road in the middle of a huge intersection and people were slowing down to go around him.
that was at some urban centre in tel aviv, israel.
I remember hearing a talik once about "OMGZ Tv is horrible. On I Love Lucy, they didn't even sleep in the same Bed- now they simulate sex on TV!!!one111" and I was all, "OmZ he's right!" because I loved "I Love Lucy" but you have to take into context the culture and time of I Love Lucy and the time and culture now.
I love Lucy and shows lke it were during a time after WWII was over and tv shows were emphasizing the nuclear family and things being proper in their place (since women were actually working and what not since the war and men were back home and they had to gets back in the Kitchen and make them sammiches!!), so shows like Leave it to Beaver and I Love Lucy were on television selling this ideal of how a family should be when most families did not even reflect that.
Plus, in the talk I heard it was used to send a shock to us as "those times were oh so great and grand and simple and people were kind.."
Were they really? Racism was even more overt back then with blacks being killed, ignored, and oppressed, and native americans still being ignored and allowed to die as if they didn't matter or exist in the first place. Women were in unhealthy relationships and unprotected by the government, not even allowed reproduction rights.... Those times were not better, they were different (as someone mentioned above) just like today is. Remember History is more than just about what happend, its also about who it happend to and where you are getting your information from. There is always bias.
Because I bet First nation people, immigrants, blacks, and even queers of those times have a different version of life than the middle class suburban well off folks whose lives resembled what was one tv. "Morality of the world has changed- and it al began in 1914!" I bet it did, but morality is always changing as its not some "Set in stone" thing like the Ten commandments. It reflects culture, customs, environment, and a whole other slew of things.
And again that story was scary, but you have to look at context and culture. I think somebody would have stopped in the area I live if somebody got hit by a car.... because they have before. But in Israel, a place where attacks hapend every so often, you just aren't sure... And maybe its the cynic in me, but they didn't run him over *even* more. they moved out of the way.
But if they hadn't- Now that would be a Sign goddamit.
