Thank you all so much for your kind words, it's been a while since there has been anyone i can talk to who understands, i was in tears reading your replies.
my sister and i see each other occassionally but i always feel reserved, i care about her, but i feel like anything could destroy the tenuous relationship we have at the moment and i can't be open with her. and i love my partner, but he has issues of his own and can get pretty self-absorbed. i sometimes feel that it's all just too hard, that it would be easier to just shut off emotionally and not deal with anything. i'm trying to stay positive and focussed on the good parts of my life, but it's not easy when you're fighting 20 years of negativity and guilt. i just feel so trapped and have nowhere to go (thanks to not being able to have friends growing up - my family didn't seem to understand that just because i was the same age as people in the cong, didn't mean i could relate to them, or had anything in common with them), and feel really alone.