confused&broken@texas
JoinedAs my birthdate reveals, I just turned 32. As my pic reveals I have a lovely three yr old daughter who konks out on her shades. I am not a computer genius, but I'll try not to bore anyone or get on anyones nerves. I was raised as a JW until I thought I found my way out, which was a man 16 yrs my senior. I snuck off with him in the middle of the night after meeting him down at the barn and stayed away and threated to move off to Mexico if my verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive parents didn't sign a waiver for me to marry. I stayed hidden out until they did. I wanted out of my dominating parents home who had given complete control of my life, and correction of common misgiving of a very repentant child for my age, to the elders in the congregation, half of who were related to me. Nine months later, at the age of sixteen and a half, I gave birth, naturally with a midwife, to please my parents and extended "congregational family" by following their suggestions onhow to have the baby and how to raise him, quitting the home correspondence schooling. I've been disfellowshipped twice, I believe. I do not raise my son or daughter as a JW, but really don't raise him with any religion. I have pretty much shut down that part of my life for fear of losing what small relationship I have left with my mother, father, two brothers, & my baby sister. Married to a non practicing baptist, We have visited other churches lately and am amazed at the differences, just in the warmth, but also sit in pure terror that one of my family members will soon find out, and turn their backs on my older son and my 3 yr old as they have on me countless times in the last 22 yrs. Having a hard time finding my place in the "world". I am very black and white on some issues, mostly morality, respect of the elderly, and how other teenagers are having sex freely when I've raised my son so differently. I am not disfellowshipped, but I think my parents would like for me to be because I do put up a tree and decorate with lights at xmas time, as well as buy gifts for my immediate family. My husband has already taught our daughter that there are "reindeer" and "Santa" if she goes to sleep and sleeps real good, but that is the extent of our, "rooted chrstmas teachings". So I am at a point where if I want my husband, my son, my daughter, and myself to have a "normal" life in any sense of the word and some peace and tranquility, I need to just do the deed and I guess write a leter to the elders. But then I catch myself telling myself, you don't owe them anything. They did nothing but rob you of happiness and make you live out of pure fear and terror for 15 yrs straight then another 10yrs off and on. We want to go to a new church, a christian church, very loving, and warm. They talk alot about Jesus, which is very foreign for me, but I want to give it the fair shot I think it deserves. Right now, I have completely kept God & prayer out of my life. Just thought I'd live the most moral, upstanding, good citizen, helpful to others, respectful to my parents, life I could live... but that isn't satisfying anymore. We are lonely....Any suggestions anyone? Anyone been in my situation. My mother just brought the current Tuesday night bookstudy guide and current watchtower & awake magazines over last Sunday. She's pioneering this month and I live an hour and twenty minutes away. She gets to count the time... Ha-ha. HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HElP................... Please, Anyone.