garyboler

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Hello everyone! I was baptized in 1988. I started studying when I was in the air force which led to my leaving the military as a consciencious objector. Shortly after I was baptized I married a JW woman that had 3 kids. She and I were both very zealous ministers. But I found that raising a family on $6 an hour virtiously impossible. The next 20 years was a nightmare. My wife was impossible to deal with she has many emotional issues. So even though I believed in my brain that it was 100% the truth due to the overwhelmingly difficult situation I never really made much "progress" in the "truth". My mom was a very zealous pioneer for many years. I was very close to her. When she died in 2004 it shook my world upside down. One reason is that my wife did'nt allow me to associate with my family much and now I have many regrets concerning my relationship with my mom. I decided to become the most dedicated JW ever. Thus began my era of intense bible study. Ironically as I studied my bible I began to find serious flaws in Watchtower theology. I began to realize that certain feelings that I had suppressed for many years were real. I thought that one of the strangest things were how viewing anything that is critical of the organization is punishable. I always believed that investigating the truth would only make it more evident. I went to the internet and found a wealth of information on the subject. I kept my objections secret for awhile untill my wife was having one of her usual rantings about my unacceptable level of spirituality and it came out that I had been researching it on the internet. Well she promptly told the elders and I got 2 seperate visits from different elders. It seems like they were trying to get me to say that I didn't believe that the society is Jehovahs chosen organization. I assume that is what they needed to prosecute me. So you see what a predicament i'm in? If I am true to myself I will be disfellowshipped and seperated from family and friends. As time goes by I find it increasingly more difficult to go to meetings and discuss "spiritual" things. I know that eventually I will have to do it. As time goes by I become more angry with the organization. I feel like they have robbed me of my life. I'm very thankful that you guys are here or I think I would go insane. Any advice would help.