Posts by BlackWolf

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

I mostly like to draw and paint with watercolor or acrylic. I've done some sculpting before but I'm actually really bad at it.

I've tried to meditate before but it just makes me more anxious. I have a hard time focusing on anything even if it is nothing at all. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong though?

The only reason I've been allowed to do horseback riding lessons is because I've begged for years and years (my dad hates horses) and I only get to do them now because I pay for them myself. I think if it doesn't cost them anything and I'm not getting too close to "worldly" people my parents don't mind. But no matter how many hobbies I try to occupy myself with I still feel painfully lonely deep down, I just try and convince myself that one day I will find a friend that actually likes the real me and not the jw me.

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

Also I know it would probably be helpful but my parents won't let me do therapy anymore because they think its a bad influence and because it doesn't magically "heal" me of all my problems. I have started horseback riding lessons again a few months ago and it does make me feel a little better having something to look forward too every week, although they won't let me join the equestrian team because of course its " too competitive" and the other girls are "worldly" but oh well. I mostly teach myself art but last summer I had gotten a scholarship to go to an art camp during the day for a month which was fun so I'm going to try to get that again this summer if my parents will let me.

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

Thanks I like all those ideas. :) I will check out this coursera, I also do khan academy which teaches college level subjects and some computer programming for free and its actually kind of fun.

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

Thanks everybody for your advice. :) I know going back to public school would probably help me but its simply not possible. I tried high school for a few months but my parents took me out for having too many "worldly" friends. They aren't ever going to let me go back. About a year ago ( after they took me out of school) I had a major mental breakdown and spent several months in a eating disorder clinic and went to the mental hospital a few times for self harming. Since then my parents don't really trust me anymore. :(

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

I appreciate everyone's comments. I do think she really wants me to be baptized mainly because of appearances, because everyone else my age (16) is baptized at my hall. My little sister got baptized when she was 11. I think she knows deep down that I'm not very enthusiastic about jw things but probably just wants me to be baptized so other people will still think of my family as being "strong in the truth" and to avoid suspicion. People tend to gossip a lot in my congregation so I have to be careful.

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

Thank you everybody. I know I'm just going to have to stick it out until I'm 18 but my biggest problem right now is the pressure to get baptized. I've told my mom I'm not ready yet but she bothers me about it constantly. I'm starting to run out of excuses.

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

Thanks everybody for the advice. Pete zahut i like the letter idea, I might do it sometime if I build up the courage.

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

Mostly I fear disappointing my parents because we've always been close and their all I've got but hopefully one day they will wake up and we can all be happy again. The watchtower can't last forever, at least that's what I'm going to tell myself.

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

Thank you all for your kind comments. I'm not going back to public school even though I would like to because I'm already mostly done with my homeschool program but hopefully after that I can take some college classes or something.

73

Im sick of my life

by BlackWolf in

jw
friends

sorry but i really feel like i need to rant right now.

recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately.

every morning i wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that i love what i'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality i feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason.

BlackWolf

Sorry but I really feel like I need to rant right now. Recently my dad was made an elder so my family has been doing a lot more "theocratic" activities lately. Every morning I wake up and put on my itchy dress and stupid makeup and heels and then pretend that I love what I'm doing and that everybody is my friend when in reality I feel horrible and all the other teenage girls at my hall hate me for some reason. I feel so alone I have no friends or anybody to talk to. I feel like a caged lion who can never get out. I homeschool and all I can really do for fun is read and paint. I only really get out of the house to go to meetings and service and the isolation is making me feel really anxious and depressed. I'm going through a pretty bad existential crisis right now and I feel like my life is hopeless and I'm doomed. I feel like ive wasted my childhood because all i ever really wanted was to just be a normal kid. I dream of becoming an artist or a professional horseback rider one day because art and horses are the only things that really make me happy but I feel like that will never happen because I'm so afraid. My worst fear is that my parents are going to shun me when I leave and quit going to meetings like they did to my aunt who was only an unbabtized publisher like me. I dont know how I could survive even more alone than I am now. What should I do? Thanks in advance.