I've been following your soap opera Jimmy and I think your taking the right stand. The elders have no business knowing anything about your sex life now or before marriage.
Your wife is making her jw life miserable for you now, so how can it be any worse after you DA?
Your kids will thank you one day! At least they will have one parent that isn't forcing the cultish way's on them.
Your wife is comfortable making you uncomfortable, turn the tables. I'm not promoting meaness, I just think you shouldn't have to walk on eggs around her, see if she likes living that way.
I do hope your marriage survives this.
I am proud that you don't want your kids to live a life as a JW. No one else can save them from it but you.
I think in the end, your wife will respect you for not caving.
Best Wishes