str8?so is spaghetti..until you heat it up
JoinedI guess its time to throw my little story out there. I keep reading everyones stories and thinking how brave you have all been, coming out of the organisation and facing all the repercussions of doing so. I only last August disassociated myself. I pinned an envelope with my letter to the elders on the noticeboard in the Kingdom Hall when noone was there, put my key in the letterbox of the hall, and drove off. I wasnt going to let them disfellowship me! I was rejecting them, not the other way around. I guess I should go back and tell this properly. See, I was both a Ministerial Servant and a regular pioneer. I had spent most of my life devoting myself to serving Jehovah. As much as I could. I did all of my pre study, never gave anyone any grief, answered up, studied with people, gave public talks, experiences at assemblies...all the good stuff. I was your ideal witness. However, from the age of 15 onwards I have known I was gay. Some of you may still think that being a homosexual is a deviation, and you are entitled to that opinion. However, for me, and all of those who are homosexual out there, we know that is simply not true. We have the urge to be with the same sex woven as deeply into our DNA as does a heterosexual for the opposite sex. I struggled with those feelings for years. In order to distract myself from what I was certain was an unforgivable sin, I devoted even more of myself to the society and Jehovah. I was determined to cleanse myself of the terrible stain. For years I was deeply depressed and would not sleep at night, because I would dream only of dying, in the most violent, terrible ways. I considered time and time again committing suicide. However about 18 months ago I decided enough was enough, and it was time to do something about it. I came to the realisation that if God existed and if he made me he made me with the urges and feelings I have. He made me the homosexual man I am. If he were to punish me for the way he made me, he was a God who was unworthy of my devotion. So, I waited 6 months, long enough to be the best man at my younger brothers wedding. Then I made the big split. It was a hard road. The first few weeks fraught with recriminations and anger on behalf of my family (my two brothers, my two sisters, my two nephew, my niece and my mother and father all do not have ANY contact with me now). Then I moved away from where I was living and took up a new job, and am working for a publishing company in Sydney, Australia. I adore my new life, but every so often, I really want to have the assuredness of knowing my Mum would stop and hug me if she saw me in the street. At this point, I do not think she would. Something I have learned since I left what is the most devastating of religions is that Sin is a social construct. We human beings are not inherently evil, we are beautiful, loving creatures. We are not born sinners, and we should simply take responsibility for our actions with regards to other humans, not allow a religion or group of people decide what is right or wrong. We have this one life to live, make the most of it. I am now writing a novel, which i hope will be published by the company i work for. It details my experiences, but i have changed names and places, to make it fictional. I bear no ill will towards my family or ex JW friends, and do not wish to make it seem that I have a vendetta of any sort against the witnesses. I simply think it is a story that should be told. Anyway, thats a condensed version of it all, I am so glad to see I am one in a sea of escapees who now see the world for what it is.