Wings,
I sympathize with your struggles.
The reality is this. We will all die, and that soon enough, without ever having answers to the questions of our existence, or for that matter God's existence. If you find that hard to believe, look at the lives of the greatest thinkers, the philosophers, the scientists, the theologians during the past thousands of years. What empirically sustainable answers did any of them leave that truly answers questions regarding the mystery that lies at the root of human existence? None.
You will die, as all of us on this Board will without answers, and become part of this earth, gradually solidified into a rock mass on which future generations will stand and wonder too about these questions. We come from a WTS background in which every question was answered for us, and presented to us manicured and lifeless. The problem is that all the answers were and are suspect. and have proven unreliable. That is why the WTS teachings of today are so vastly diffeent from even fifty years ago.
The fact that we have no answers is liberating because it allows you to concentrate on the moment. To enjoy the rhythm of a hummingbirds wings, to take to heart the strangers smile, to delight in the joy of moments. Life is made up of moments. Add together the moments that an average human is truly happy in their lives and what do you have. Three weeks? A month of true happiness? The rest is drudge and turmoil - UNLESS we control life rather than have it control us.
Just for a year, stop expecting answers and focus on living the moment and enjoying the moment for what it is. Time is the currency of life. The moment I stopped expecting answers regarding the existence of God, and the afterlife, whether Christ really existed or not, was the moment that I truly felt that I was living.
HS