Hello Weeping:
Sadly you imagine that what you did while a teenager is what life is outside of the watchtower. What you did was rebel and many kids go through that. When people who leve watchtower without knowing the truth about the watchtower religion feel guilty and feel that they aren't worthy of life. Some may explode nd go wild and it appears that's what you did and some implode which may led to suicide. Some who leave watchtower without knowing the facts return to the cult as their lives have not improved without the "mother" religion as they are still prisoners to the religious teachings. Some find the truth and get help to overcome the mental abusee caused by the watchtower while others live their lives with guilt never returning and never finding out that watchtower is a fraud.
Now, what you should do, is do a thorough research into their teachings and history to see what watchtower really is. Yes, there are a lot of good people trapped in the religion but that can be said also of many other religions and the sincere people who attend their church services. You don't need to become an athiest, nor do you have to become an agnostic but many of us have for different reasons for choosing that path. As you aren't kid anymore you can tell the difference between choosing friends that will be true to you in or outside of religion and I'm not talking about within watchtower religion as these friendships are only dependant on you following the watchtower teaching even as wrong as some of it it - that is a cult mentality. The watchtower "friends" for most part will abandon you once you state publicly your view on teachings that oppose that of the watchtower and in my book these are not true friends.
There is nothing black and white and we don't have all the answers nor does anybody else. Part of growing up is knowing who you are and what you're doing is benefitting you and if you want it may benefit others but it's not dependant of being prisoner of someone needing to tell you how to act and what to be like to gain prize that is a dream. There are many who are not watchtower followers who believe in god and there are those who even have similar views on basic watchtower doctrines, after all basic watchtower doctrines didn't originate with Russell. This is a good board to learn about watchtower history and ask questions for your own research and hopefully you don't believe everything we say without double checking it for yourself as you owe it to yourself to do a proper research into the watchtower teachings and history. More you learn the more feelings you will experience that you have been lied to by the organization that you put faith in and you will start your healing process which takes time. If you need watchtower old publications for reference we can direct you as IMO those references confirm what watchtower taught and what they hide from their present followers and the new recruits as they like to label their past as old light and not important.
Truth will set you free, but not the wts "truth"